Downsizing, To Move or Not to Move? That is the Question

This situation is more complex and not quite the same, but has anyone dealt with the decision of weather or not to move their elderly (86 year old) widowed mother who's suffered a stroke, from Level 3 assisted living, back into her huge 2 story family home which needs the first floor remodeled so she can possibly live at home with a caregiver? My mother uses a walker and her left hand isn't very functional, but she's making progress and is very determined to return to her home of over 55 years. Our big family is very divided on what to do, and concerned about her care in the long term. I have mixed feelings, but hope to get a better opinion when she switches to a more comprehensive therapy program. In the meantime her solid beautiful old house in a great location has buyers licking their chops, while an out of town sibling is offering to buy the house a little below market, and promises to pay for remodeling the house and provide care for rest of my Mom's life.

@mrmj You asked for opinions, so I will give you mine.
She needs to stay where she is for her own good. Of course she wants to go back to the life she had, we all would like to do that, me included. But, longing for our past keeps us from moving forward.

Mom is 86, her physical health isn’t perfect. Difficult question, how much longer do you think she will be able to function as she is now. At her age, people tend to go “downhill” fast especially if she were to fall and break a hip. Using a walker with only 1 “good” hand sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

It sounds to me, based upon what you wrote, that the house seems to be a large part of your decision. I can sympathize. I am trying to decide what to do, not with a mother, but with myself. I’m 76, my health isn’t perfect, and keeping up with the house is getting too much for me. I am trying to decide if and when I will sell my house and my stuff and move into Independent Living.
Things are just that, things. We can’t let our lives be controlled by things.

Anyway, I do understand, and your wish to have the house with your mother back in it is normal. However, is it really safe for her? Would you and the family worry about her all the time? I would sit and think long and hard about her safety.

Blessings

I was 87 when my husband died. Shortly after I had to have a complete hip replacement because I wore it out. Now I am 91 and still independent and still living in our home. I did do some due diligence by visiting two facilities that advertised independent and assisted living. I looked at the independent apartments. I found them to be small and confining. I questioned whether they could provide the care they advertised. These places are run by corporations who only focus on the bottom line. They pay minimum wage so I wonder about the people they hire who have to look after older people, most of whom are not as fortunate as I am healthwise. So I decided to remain in my own home. I am building up a "slush fund" so that if I do become incapacitated before I die I will hire caregivers to come to my home where I am comfortable and have my own things around me.

@mrmj Has this family member done full-time 24/7/365 care of your Mom or another person? Do they have the knowledge to recognize when a medical situation is urgent (a UTI can become life threatening in a matter of hours)? Do they have the strength and stamina to manage this? Will they work with the rest of the family to assure the best care for Mom, or take over and push the rest of you away? How does the rest of their immediate family feel about this plan? What happens with this bargain purchase if Mom has a crisis or dies before remodeling is finished and never moves in? Will Mom accept the proposed caregiver and her own role as a tenant in the caregiver's home who cannot fire them over a dispute? What about if the caregiver isn't adequate- what happens to Mom?

What I'm saying is - involve a social worker or other elder care expert and an elder care attorney before committing to this arrangement.

@mrmj I feel for your mom and your family. You don’t mention how your mom is doing in the assisted living home she’s in. How is she doing? Personally I would be happy extremely hesitant moving her from there unless she’s being abused or neglected. I can’t see any benefit to your mom in moving. Moving her out of her home would have been extremely hard for her but she survived it. Moving her again back into the home is fraught with legal and health issues. I would not do it. My own dad is still in his own massive double story and lives on the ground floor. My niece and fiance (her husband after today) live with him and supervise him. They both work and the rest of us all help fill in and also take him out or stay overnight when needed as they go away. He’s in rude good health and still walks unassisted and cooks for himself. They give him his pills, do his washing, do the gardening, watch that he’s eating properly, make sure the house is safe and he won’t trip, take him out, take him to medical appointments.

We know moving him into care or one of our homes could well kill him. At the moment it suits him, my niece and her partner to live the way they do. His super is running out and his money is tied up in his home (mortgage free). Luckily I have an investment property I can sell to lend to him to keep him in his home until he sells.

Reading your quandary it sounds perhaps sensible to sell her home on the open market to get her as much money as you can so she has funds to help with increasing medical costs and flexibility for her changing needs.

Just my 2 cents! It’s not easy. Far from it.

@sueinmn
Thank you for the valid points, I appreciate it. Yes my sister with this plan has cared for my Mom 24/7 for a few months following her stroke. It was very difficult but she managed. However she's not in town, and now attempting to manage everything from long distance and with assistance from a couple of us locally. It's been rocky. We are requesting that my sister attempting this plan move here to see it through, and not expect all of us with full busy lives have to continue deal with so much if it. The house has been cleared out, and was almost sold until this plan came up. The house is a gold mine, but none of us locally have the time or desire to work on it. The caregiver that was selected, has experience working in assisted living facility, and as a caregiver to her parents. My Mom has met the tentative caregiver, and they had an interview which I hear went well. However my Mom seems to required lots of attention, emotionally, aside from the physical. My Mom plans to begin All day comprehensive therapy at a specialized rehabilitation center, in a couple weeks. My hope is for them to evaluate her, the situation and make a recommendation. A Spasticity doctor recently evaluated her and said she could possibly live at home with a caregiver, but he didn't know many details. Thanks for the advice, and more things to consider.

I also haven't mentioned the issues with the care at this high end Assisted living facility, such as my Mom falling 3 times in the first 2 weeks, and nobody showing up after she pressed the call button. Thankfully she got up on her own, with only bruising. There's also been other issues with the medications etc, but I imagine there will be issues in every assisted living facility, no matter how nice or expensive. She hasn't had any issues with falling now that she's familiar.

@isadora2021 thanks for your understanding and opinion. Your father is blessed to have family that is taking turns caring for him. My Mom is off and on health wise, but sometimes I'm not sure if it's more emotional than physical. The Assisted living facility has a full calendar of social events and entertainment, which my Mom enjoyed for a while, but she's so focused on returning home and looks for things to complain about.
You bring up another point about having having all their money in tied up in the house. I've considered looking into a Reveres Mortgage so she can use the equity in her home as she needs it, or get a HELOC (Home Equity Line of credit) that she can use as needed with a low interest rate of 5.99%. The level 3 care at the Assisted living facility is extremely expensive and could run out quicker than if she returned home, and have a live in caregiver that lives there practically rent free in exchange for the care, or even gets paid very little as caregiver.
From what I can seen about the reputable Reverse mortgage lenders, it seems to be a good option.

@mrmj That vacillation by your mom makes it even more difficult to decide what to do. What’s the bet that she would want to go back to the care housing, with its social interactions and care, as soon as she moved back?!

I would also worry whether you can all provide the care she would need 24/7 as well as the socialisation, even if she gets a live in nurse. I’m not sure it’s practical.

My dad is nearly 91 and has mild dementia. He’d get lost if he walked out the front gate. My sister is a clinical nurse and I was a lawyer. At some stage we too will be in a similar position to you, needing to help my dad make big decisions and making sure he’s as happy as he can be and safe.

We did think of a reverse mortgage to keep dad in his home but there are so many sad stories. I’m lucky I can loan money to my dad interest free otherwise we would also need to be considerng a reverse mortgage. Worth looking into if your mom doesn’t want to sell and wants to keep ownership and control of her home.

I’d throw that reverse mortgage question into reddit! It does have its uses!

@mrmj

Be very careful. Reverse mortgages can be a minefield. Do your homework and consult an attorney.