I am a very sad caregiver who has posted on this site before…

What a blessing that you found a great support group. I have searched for several years and sadly, family has failed us and even church folks failed us. Oh everyone is smiles and asked the famous question, "how are you" and "be sure to have self care". They mean well and they are human just like we are. Truthfully when you get down to the details how quick the conversation ceases. I have to be careful not to get synical and all i can envsion is the ostrich with head in the sand. It has been such a lonely journey for me. In desparation, i have sought counselling and not much progess there but someone who will listen to me vent. My cat is very supportive and that is most amazing. Keep your chin up. I know what it feels like to drive to starbucks or grocery parking lot and ball my eyes out for release of sadness.

Agree. More testing needs to be performed.

Sopie - I so agree with you about the solo drive and long showers, in my case.
Reading and needlework help, but then it is back to the same old issues that just never end.
We do the best we can, I guess.

sophie - I agree with you. As with any illness, it tends to scare them because it could happen to them.

I have been my husbands caretaker since January 2022 when he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. It spread to both lungs. Chemo and now on chemo pills
This week i was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer. I will start on chemo pills once insurance approves I am so overwhelmed. Don’t know what to do.

Dear @nrdl2879

I am so very sorry to hear that your health is now so impacted and both yours and your husband's survival are threatened. My heart goes out to you as you absorb and make sense of this new and terrible shock to your system.

And, my response to you may seem over-simple, but I am aware of how much we humans tend to try to solve all of our problems within the sphere of our couple relationships, without relying on others. OR, we are too often left with no sense of support beyond that couple bond. So, my simple encouragement to you is to recognize that there are times in relationships when one member is struggling and the other is able to lean in and provide support until the crisis passes. This can go back and forth over the years and decades of a relationship or marriage. But then, there are times, when both members are impacted by the same crisis (illness or loss of a child, for example), or when each member is experiencing their own overwhelming situation. In situations like these, help must come from outside the relationship.

Concrete help (caregiver services and financial support to pay for them), separate sources of emotional support for each member, and sometimes, emotional support for the couple together, become absolutely necessary. This may or may not be available within your family, community or friend networks. In your situation, it is likely that more will be needed beyond those informal circles of potential support. If there is a social worker or patient advocate available through your healthcare providers' offices, I would encourage you to make an appointment (online or by phone is often available) to envision what is needed for each of you and both of you together, and to go over any and all resources that might be available to you. Another resource I have learned of recently is called TriageCancer.org
They have a website that addresses SO many questions that I have encountered on my cancer journey. I'm including the url for information about caregiving resources here:
https://triagecancer.org/cancer-caregiver-resources
If you scroll to the bottom of this page it has a section entitled "More Caregiving Resources" that might be helpful to you or to someone who can help you imagine the kind of supports that you and your husband need now. Please don't overlook your mental health in all of this!

With much care and respect for you, Gynosaur

Im brought to tears hearing your story. How can u care for someone when you yourself will need care? Please tell us you have family to pitch in to care for you both? If not i encourage you to call every resource in your county to seek assistance. Non profit organizations can also help in small ways.
Please keep seeking understanding and support from of all kinds of groups.
Hugs to you both

I hear you have Jbug25.
I also have pulled back from my Church family. I’ve come to the conclusion that if someone has not experienced the daily emotional and physical toll they just can’t understand. They want us to smile and say we are fine. They are comfortable saying silly things like “oh i forget all the time” or “my husband does that”. Which leaves me feeling like im crazy and my loved one may be rude or stubborn instead of demented.
Im pretty isolated now which creates more sadness and unable to make decisions that need to happen.
We want to move to another state next year and oh my is that difficult for me. Sooo many moving pieces and my husband makes it harder because he forgets what the goal is. Even though hes the one pushing to move.
One Dat at a time sweet Jesus!
Ill pray for you and your loved one. Hugs, kathy

We have family. I have been taking care of everything myself but now i will have to ask for help Just too many unknowns

Please don't be sad, Karen. Sadness, self-pity and bitterness zaps our limited enegry as caregivers.

If you are religious, think of your caregiving as an expression of love and gratitude to God--for all that you have despite all that have been taken away from you). Service to God is our highest calling. Our efforts are not wasted or useless. When things give difficult, think of the person you for whom you are providing care as Christ in disguise--even if he/she is acting like an ungrateful a--hole.

I agree that no one understands what we caregivers go through, except people like the wonderful folks who post on this site. (Don't bother complaining to others. No one likes a pity-party.) Be grateful that you are a part of this family of caring, articulate and thoughtful people. (Vent your frustrations to us.)

Caregiving is challenging. It can reduce us to idiots at times. (I have suffered mini breakdowns. I have misplaced or lost important items: car and house keys, credit cards, my driver's license, and my husband's disabled person's parking permit.)

Learn self-forgiveness and self-care. Adjust your standards for everything (housekeeping, idea of fun and pleasure, etc.). And most importantly, seek and accept outside help.

George's wife