Morbid question: I'm really afraid of finding my husband dead

@standinginfaith
What a horrifying account! I am so very very sorry for all you and your husband endured. Prayers for your peace and comfort and a supernatural awareness of His presence walking with you. Thank you for sharing about the light. Your husband was truly transported to Jesus at that moment and I am glad you were able to witness it after all the suffering you endured!

I’m so sorry you went through that. When my grandfather went through hospice my Aunt was given quite a bit of support. Nobody should speak with you the way they did.

Thank you..you comment is so precious..and I am so sorry about your grandfather..God bless you!!

Thank you soo very much for the kind words and prayers!! We have a good God!! And we will all be together again!! God bless you!!

No I haven't in our house ! But my heart goes out to you. You obviously love him. It is scary when we have very sick people , especially in your own house. Prayers and hugs to you and your spouse. 🙏

I am so sorry you went through this. No one should have to go through that alone. To tell you to let him lay in his stuff is beyound all belief. I hope you can report those idiots to someone, perhaps let your Fed. Congressman know how poorly he was treated at the end. My brother RIP was also a Viet Nam vet and after he came back from that war swore that he would never fight for this country again after being called things like baby killers, etc.

I did find, until Mom was placed in palliative care, that we got very little assistance from the medical staff, except for the cardiologist and one great nurse, who took me, being the daughter, aside and explained the situation to me. She would never say anything to the other family members or even confirm what she said to me because they can get into trouble for doing so.

In fact, no one at the nursing home she was in even talked to my Dad about hospice when Mom stopped eating. He thought she was just being stubborn and would actually go out and get her a favored strawberry shake and things to start her eating again.

I couldn't report him to any one..he was in the living room.the VA sent him HOME TO DIE!!.and I was locked in the house alone with him 21 days except the daily visit from the nurse and the "washer"(sponge bath)..he made me promise not to let anyone see him..I did except one time I called my brother in law to help me turn him (I fractured 3 ribs). the saddest part.. when we got home for the mean dr in Tulsa (on the "outside") I asked Dave to call his brother and tell him..I saw one tear come out of his eye..and so I told him.."I'll wipe your tears and clean you a$$).. and so when they told me that I told Dave "you're gonna have to hang on to that bed rail Dave and I'm gonna clean your a$$ just like I promised..it was the most horrible thing I have ever been thru..me and him ..he always said..(He'd gotten a "Dear John" in Nam.. he swore he'd never join anything again after Nam.. he volunteered.. I saw him cry twice while we were married 13 years.. the first time was when I gave him a Happy Veterans day card.. he said "no one ever thanked me for my service'..I was spit on in uniform and called a "baby killer when I got home.. 100% DAV PTSD...now I have PTSD..I'm not a nurse.. when he choked on some ensure I took that "sucking machine"..and almost sucked his lip off.. good grief!!. One morning he looked so bad ..I hollered "Jesus please help my man" and a bright white light shone and he was gone!! His battles are over.. so are your brothers.. God rest their souls.. they left the war .. but it never left them.. Salute to your brother..they went thru a hell we can't even begin to understand.. my Daddy said later.. Dave should have been in a hospital.. but they made him stay in the living room..IDK why..

Denise i know this response is long overdue since your posting last year. I lost my mom in May. Our family moved her into my home to watch her, she was still in okay health, our families opinion was once a person moves to a nursing home facility their health declines. Mom moved from hospital to nursing home, she was gone less than a month, only a few freinds called to check on her, only a few family members went to see her, driving distance to far for realistic reasons. I know her wishes were to be taken by God at home surrounded by positive memories than place we're a person is alone, care is suspect. Knowing your their for your husband in his favorite chair watching his TV. Eating familiar foods sounds to me like a great place to die. Have a talk with your husband if he's still with us, God Bless you and your family Dave

This is a very sad situation. End of life for anyone is difficult. We both will likely die alone since we have no family at all except very distant. I also fear finding my husband dead in his chair or bed. My parents and grandparents did not expect anyone to sit in their rooms until they died. I know that different families have different traditions and expectations. My husband has a large extended family who are "sitters". I just hope that neither of us has to live too long alone.
My husband and I are both Vietnam era vets. I have a low % disability and have tried to get treatment for my chronic pain at the VA. My total treatment was 2 cupping treatments followed by dismissal from the VA Pain Center and an offer of opioid pain medicine. I am disappointed. I have other friends who swear by the VA. The VA Hospital here is rated #1 hospital in the city in the annual ratings posted in the newspaper. Just pray that you never have to go to the ER anywhere because most of them are packed with gurneys in hallways and even waiting rooms. When my husband went in for heart failure last month, he was in a hallway in the ER for 2 days before they had a room open up. Once in the room, he was released the next day. Crazy!

I'm guessing this reply is too late but I wanted to weigh in.
Last summer my in-laws' health declined rapidly, my FIL had severe dementia and my MIL had a pacemaker and got a new battery in it and was not doing well, they had lived on their own until it was too many 911 calls, we lived 10 min from them and if my MIL went to the hospital my husband had to stay with his dad because he was not aware enough and would wander off.
It got to a point where we moved them in with us but it was a big mistake because of both in bad health and up all hours of the night, arguing or rummaging around the house, we were all losing our minds! we really tried! So my husband and I moved them back to their little house and my husband went there during the day and cooked them 3 meals a day and made sure there was ice cream for them for their midnight snack!
at some point 911 got called late at night because my MIL fell, and I went to the hospital to be with my MIL...
anyways things escalated health wise, hospice got involved, we hired a CNA to be there 8-5 at first then it ended up she stayed overnight M-F and my husband lived there on weekends!
At the end my MIL was on oxygen and heavy pain meds, I think liquid morphine my husband had to give his mom by squirting in her cheek! He felt like he was putting her down! She got worse and wasn't eating or even crying, we tried to get her into a hospice house locally but they refused and said she wasn't "actively" dying, I argued and said she hadn't eaten for a week etc. our hospice reworked the paperwork and resubmitted and it got accepted the next day but the hospice house didn't have a bed! We knew we'd run out of time, that my MIL would probably pass away that night, but she didn't and that morning, I went to see my husband there watching his parents and hospice called that they had a bed at the hospice house (a different company) so a nurse wasn't going to come because they'd arrange transfer that afternoon! I told them my FIL is now not eating and completely out of it, so the nurse agreed to come and just see him! She arrived maybe an hour or so later and we greeted her at the door and my husband walked by his mom's room and didn't see her chest moving! she had passed away!!
The nurse called TOD and called the morgue etc... I told my husband to tell his dad that his mom died, it took several different ways of saying it: Grandma died, your wife passed away, mom died etc.... and he just lowered his head and was sad! then I helped the nurse get my FIL in there to sit and hold my MIL's hand.... He was non-verbal at this time, no idea what's going on still, but once his felt his wife's hand he looked up and saw she had passed and lowered his head again and was just sad, not saying anything, not crying....
The funeral home people came and we had called our kids too.
All this happened for a reason, I didn't want grandma (my MIL) to die in the house, but if she hadn't, then grandpa wouldn't have been able to say goodbye that way! We also prayed over her body outside on a beautiful day! God's timing was perfect!
my FIL passed away 11 days later!
(and now my husband has stage 4 prostate cancer- plus I told that to my mom who's in a nursing home and she passed away 2 weeks after the diagnosis!) so..... ROUGH year! But God's got this!! It's ok to be sad and cry, I'm not looking forward to the day of my husband being at this point! I still have PTSD from my in-laws, and my mom (but she was overseas so I didn't get to see her)