1. < Addiction & Recovery

What boundaries to set for my 29 yr old alcoholic son?

Posted by lisaav @lisaav, May 21 12:02am

My son lives at his gf's house Sun to Fri. She enables his drinking. She does not really drink. She has 2 kids. He stays at my house on Fri and Sat nights. I don't allow the drinking. He has snuck it in. He also has had seizures from withdrawl at my house since I don't let him drink. Ended up in the ER. His siblings will no longer talk to him until he gets sober. He's not invited to family get togethers. I don't give him money. I don't buy very much for him. He is not abusive to me. (Except for the constant worry). I feel if I give him tough love and cut ties with him, his gf will only continue to enable him. He may die and I will have not spent time with him. I'm just not sure how to move forward.

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diverdown1 | @diverdown1 | May 23 7:01am
In reply to @lisaav "Ty for sharing your story. I'm happy you finally found sobriety, but sorry your partner did..." + (show)
@lisaav

Ty for sharing your story. I'm happy you finally found sobriety, but sorry your partner did not. My father died of cirrhosis when I was 16. He hid his disease well. My mother enabled him. My daughter is a recovering alcoholic. 7 years sober. I'm incredibly proud of her. My son shuts down when you try to talk it over with him, although he admits he's an alcoholic. I'm currently looking for an in-person meeting with Al-anon. Not crazy about Zoom. My old age, I guess. I've posted here because I can't bring myself to ask my son to stay away. Or even if I should. His sister's are not seeing him at all. I don't know if I can do that. Would it even matter to him? He has her to enable him. I like her. I have spoken to her. We are not close, but could be. I believe he cares for her but manipulates her. His anxiety is terrible. Even as a child he was anxious. But I think he is embarrassed at the idea of therapy or AA.

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https://ecomm.al-anon.org/EN/Products/Digital_Products/EN/RiSE/Store/Product-Type.aspx?Type=DIGITAL&hkey=78858f68-29c1-479d-951b-18db190747f5
This link will take you to the Al-anon literature. Some of it is online. It might help to read some stories of others in your situation.

Ginny

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1 reply
sharbern | @sharbern | May 23 9:24am
In reply to @lisaav "She left her husband because he was violent. My son is very sweet. Very caring. She..." + (show)
@lisaav

She left her husband because he was violent. My son is very sweet. Very caring. She gets from him what she missed in her past. I guess she's afraid to lose him. I don't think he would leave her if she set boundaries. I've told her this. I told her that you will lose him to the disease eventually anyway. She is just too timid. I like her. I'd like their relationship to move forward. But not at the cost of my sons health.

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Oh, my goodness. My son is also so very bright, well mannered, very likeable. Just the best when not under the influence. All of these fine qualities do make it so much more difficult.
You can also go to Open A.A. meetings. Perhaps that may help you. They do have open A.A. meetings on Zoom. On Zoom it doesn't matter where you are, I live in PA. & during Covid I went to A.A. meetings in Ireland, VA., etc. Perhaps hearing recovering men & women will help. God Bless You. Peace and Blessings for all of you.

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Moderator
Kelsey, LADC, Moderator | @kelseyt | Jun 4 10:49am

Hello @sharbern,

Being able to attend AA meetings around the world is truly incredible. It not only creates deep, meaningful connections, but also highlights a powerful truth: addiction affects people from all walks of life, in every corner of the world. Those who experience addiction are not bad people—they are people struggling with a difficult disease.

I love that @SusanEllen66 added the Serenity Prayer to her comment for this discussion. That is always a good reminder for me, and I feel that is a great saying when it comes to anyone dealing with a loved one who is in active addiction.

@sharbern, have you ever attended AL-ANON meetings? If so, what has your experience been there to help you on your recovery journey?

@lisaav, how are you doing? Have you been to any AL-ANON meetings?

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2 replies
sharbern | @sharbern | Jun 4 12:19pm
In reply to @kelseyt "Hello @sharbern, Being able to attend AA meetings around the world is truly incredible. It not..." + (show)
@kelseyt

Hello @sharbern,

Being able to attend AA meetings around the world is truly incredible. It not only creates deep, meaningful connections, but also highlights a powerful truth: addiction affects people from all walks of life, in every corner of the world. Those who experience addiction are not bad people—they are people struggling with a difficult disease.

I love that @SusanEllen66 added the Serenity Prayer to her comment for this discussion. That is always a good reminder for me, and I feel that is a great saying when it comes to anyone dealing with a loved one who is in active addiction.

@sharbern, have you ever attended AL-ANON meetings? If so, what has your experience been there to help you on your recovery journey?

@lisaav, how are you doing? Have you been to any AL-ANON meetings?

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Alcoholism is not an addiction, as I understand it. It was explained to me that if you put 10 people in a room & gv them noting but heroin they will all be addicted to heroin.
If you put 10 people in a room & gv them nothing but alcohol only those with the disease of alcoholism will be Alcoholics.
Alcohol doesn't process thru the body of an alcoholic the same way that it does non-alcoholics. The system of Alcoholics is different, that is why the AMA defines it as a disease.
Al-anon helped me greatly with my family or origin issues as well as those that have many other issues,
As far as my son, I cldn't detach. It helped to a degree to be able to see that he has a disease & to not take things personally.

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1 reply
sharbern | @sharbern | Jun 4 3:15pm
In reply to @sharbern "Alcoholism is not an addiction, as I understand it. It was explained to me that if..." + (show)
@sharbern

Alcoholism is not an addiction, as I understand it. It was explained to me that if you put 10 people in a room & gv them noting but heroin they will all be addicted to heroin.
If you put 10 people in a room & gv them nothing but alcohol only those with the disease of alcoholism will be Alcoholics.
Alcohol doesn't process thru the body of an alcoholic the same way that it does non-alcoholics. The system of Alcoholics is different, that is why the AMA defines it as a disease.
Al-anon helped me greatly with my family or origin issues as well as those that have many other issues,
As far as my son, I cldn't detach. It helped to a degree to be able to see that he has a disease & to not take things personally.

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I wld like to clarify. They say to detach from the disease not the person. I believe that the person needs to know that they are loved.

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2 replies
frouke | @frouke | Jun 4 4:07pm
In reply to @sharbern "I wld like to clarify. They say to detach from the disease not the person. I..." + (show)
@sharbern

I wld like to clarify. They say to detach from the disease not the person. I believe that the person needs to know that they are loved.

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It’s rather difficult to detach from the addiction and not the addicted person. I agree that they need love and support along with treatment, The same is said for tobacco addiction, it doesn’t make any difference as to what they’re addicted to, they all need therapy and support to help them get better.

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1 reply
diverdown1 | @diverdown1 | Jun 5 8:59am
In reply to @sharbern "I wld like to clarify. They say to detach from the disease not the person. I..." + (show)
@sharbern

I wld like to clarify. They say to detach from the disease not the person. I believe that the person needs to know that they are loved.

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I completely agree with both of your posts! Well said.

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1 reply
sharbern | @sharbern | Jun 5 9:42am
In reply to @diverdown1 "I completely agree with both of your posts! Well said." + (show)
@diverdown1

I completely agree with both of your posts! Well said.

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Thank you.

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willow5 | @willow5 | Jun 5 9:48am
In reply to @kelseyt "Hello @sharbern, Being able to attend AA meetings around the world is truly incredible. It not..." + (show)
@kelseyt

Hello @sharbern,

Being able to attend AA meetings around the world is truly incredible. It not only creates deep, meaningful connections, but also highlights a powerful truth: addiction affects people from all walks of life, in every corner of the world. Those who experience addiction are not bad people—they are people struggling with a difficult disease.

I love that @SusanEllen66 added the Serenity Prayer to her comment for this discussion. That is always a good reminder for me, and I feel that is a great saying when it comes to anyone dealing with a loved one who is in active addiction.

@sharbern, have you ever attended AL-ANON meetings? If so, what has your experience been there to help you on your recovery journey?

@lisaav, how are you doing? Have you been to any AL-ANON meetings?

Jump to this post

There are hundreds of al-anon meetings in the world - and hundreds online through zoom. There is even an Al-Anon app, where you can post and go to meetings that way. We can’t tell you what boundaries to set - but if you go to al-anon, learn to focus on yourself you will learn what boundaries you need to set for you. People can tell you they think you should do, but they aren’t you.
Willow

REPLY
slarson14 | @slarson14 | Jun 12 4:54am
In reply to @SusanEllen66 "@lisaav As his mom I bet you are thinking you can fix this. He is your..." + (show)
@SusanEllen66

@lisaav As his mom I bet you are thinking you can fix this. He is your son, and you love him so you are worrying yourself sick.

I’ve been through it all with 2 of my children. There were times I was so stressed, by my 11 year old drug addict son, that I couldn’t swallow food or drink. I’ve had 45 years of him and his actions. He is now 55 years old, and once again in a State Prison System.

Then, my beautiful daughter became addicted to painkillers. In 2018 she overdosed and died. She was 45 years old and the mom of 3.

Please, please look for Al-anon in your area. Al-anon is a program for family and friends of alcoholics. The focus of this Program is on YOU, not him. It will give you tools to take care of yourself. I joined Al-anon about 15 years ago. It basically saved me and my sanity. Please help yourself first. Your family knows you need peace.

Al-anon, 888-425-2666

Please know that I understand. I wish you peace, One Day At a Time

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Am so sorry you had to go through this with two kids. I have four adult kids and get it.

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