How to ask for help

Unfortunately for now, because she will not let you accompany her, that leaves you waiting until the situation gets worse. You need to know what it would take for her to change her mind. How badly does the situation need to deteriorate? What can you do to prepare for that? Maybe there are social worker-health professionals who can help answer part of these questions. Maybe stuborness comes from numerous negative experiences your mother had as a nurse that make her say to herself that she will never be a "medical problem" for anyone. We all become a medical problem sooner or later, though.

DPOA means Durable Power of Attorney. Usually anything like illness and decisions need to made while she is of sound mind. If she has an illness or something where she can't speak for herself she will need someone who can
Preferly a family member . Her wishes on property , house ,etc.needs to be addressed. Of course an attorney will be needed. Her being a nurse she should know of the medical problems that can occur. This is to protect her and keep things form staying in probate once she is gone.
My husband and I both have this. I don't know if this will help.Good luck.Hope all comes together.

@sillybsillyblone makes very good points! My father is the most independent minded person you could know. But after my mom died and he was facing a significant health event, when we talked he realized this was the time for him to be able to voice his wishes about his care if he became incapacitated, his property if he died, etc. Up until that point, neither he or my mom typically joined in each others doctors appoints, etc., let alone have me attend (even though by that time I was driving them to all their appointments and had done so for years).

Maybe if her PCP (who you could leave a note for or call ahead of time) could broach the subject it would lay the foundation for your conversation. If she realizes it is a way to make her wishes known now, thus in a way maintaining control for the future, she might be more receptive.

From the living will, etc it is then an easier segue into the power of attorney, so you can make sure her wishes are followed. And that in turn makes your attending her appointments make more sense, so you know what is going on first hand…..

The balance is to continue to treat her with respect and adhere to her wishes. And to encourage doctors to continue to speak to her as the decision maker/patient, rather than focusing the conversation towards you. (I actually had one doctor ask me about the frequency and consistency of what my dad does in the bathroom. I had to tell him to ask my dad, who was sitting right there—that I don’t accompany him into the toilet!)

Thank you. You said it much better ! It was a really was hard time to get my spouse to agree. I made it about me..For example , "What happens if it was me? " He still complained that this is a waste of money and time. Thanks again for saying what my tired brain could not think to write. Being a caregiver is so exhausting. It is not for the faint of heart. 🫂

@sillyblone
Not at all! And I’m sorry that I put my comment as a reply to yours—I meant to just comment and reference all your great points!

But isn’t it the truth that caregiving is EXHAUSTING! My dad is really not demanding and really makes an effort to be independent and considerate. Needing help is super frustrating to him! But the plain facts are that as we age (he is in his mid 90’s), we need more and more support. And I tend to be such a worrier—and there is plenty to ruminate on and to try to keep track of! Lots of lists and notes from doc appointments or phone consults with directions in my phone, and alarms on my phone to signal med times!😵‍💫

I wish you and your spouse peace and health and I wish you some good rest!

I appreciate your response. Loving our family is the main thing I care about
I didn't get offended at all
No worries
You just expanded on my comment
😍 💜

Thanks. No my parents avoid planning and things like this. She should know and take care of it but never really has. I don't get it either.

I think prayer is the only solution. I would just try again another day. With love and hope!!

Thank you