I'm not recovering: Could meds be causing suicidal thoughts?

Hello Autumn. I'm sorry you're struggling. I have had a lifetime of ups and downs with depression, and I have tried many medications. Yes, some medicine can make you feel worse. Please tell your doctor.

Also, I'm not sure if you've heard about genesight testing, but it is a simple lab test that a primary care doctor can order that matches your genetics with the most compatible medication to treat depression (bipolar, anxiety, etc.,). If you haven't done it already, it's definitely worth getting it done.

I am, or was, diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar while in University. I've had too many experiences with suicidal thoughts and attempts. I still struggle especially when there are major stressors in my life. For example, a couple days ago, I was feeling much better and wrote a few letters of encouragement on here to different people, but then my sweet Aunt passed away and my heart broke, my best friend, who has a pacemaker, went into the emergency room with stroke symptoms, and my medication was wrong at the assisted living facility where I know reside. They simply failed to refill it and left me without the medication I need for a couple days.
I was completely shocked by how quickly my mood went from there's hope and life can get better to how many pills can I take to just end this mess tonight. My heart, or emotions, can get so intensely overwhelmed, and then...after deep weeping and feeling completely desperate, it lifts.
I should mention that I have Frontotemporal Dementia as well. If you know anything about it, it messes with emotions, behaviors, and well, it's eventually terminal. In fact, when symptoms first begin, it's often diagnosed as mental illness.
I said all this simply to let you know medication can have negative effects that you don't want to ignore. Please, if you are concerned and questioning it, tell your doctor. Genesight testing helps one avoid the random, "Well, let's see if this med works." That's not fun for anyone.

Even after having the most adequate medication, moods cycle, chemicals change, and **** or life - happens. Please hold on because something will change for the better. It's just getting through that awful, dark place. I think laughter helps. I will force myself to watch stupidly funny videos on Facebook or YouTube until eventually someone cracks me up...or funny animal videos, or cute baby videos, anything that changes my mindset and gets me laughing. It works for some reason. Maybe that will help you? Anything to distract from the negative thoughts and crushed feelings inside is good.
I'm also, in spite of all of my lifetime of trauma and depression, a Christian, so prayer helps me.

I wish you all the best, Autumn. Please just remember it's not permanent. Even though it feels like the end. You have value, and your new, best friend or some uplifting experience could be right around the corner. Also, sleep can help. At least for me, if I'm super down, going to sleep can help because I wake up feeling stronger, but sometimes it takes a while. I just hope you feel better soon. 🩷

I appreciate your response. It seems that this medication is not right for me. I am not certain what to do in making any changes as I saw a temporary psychiatrist that prescribed this medication and meet my new regular psychiatrist at the end of June. I am not sure if I can handle being without medications either because even without them, I'm pretty depressed. I really haven't had much trauma in life. I am currently going through a great deal of stress with my own health and life situations... within the last 5 years, I have been unable to work. Many situations overwhelm me in which I get to a point of sensory overload. What that means is that I stop being able to understand what people are saying to me - their words are like a foreign
language, I cannot read - I see letters but I cannot form them into words, I cannot make basic decisions. I'm easily emotional. It takes me days to recover. I am very stuck and really not sure if my condition is solvable. I really at a dead end for any psychiatric care because I've tried over 50 medications in the past 30 years as well as TMS, Spravato (Ketamine), and ECT. I have also tried many forms of counseling, IOPs, PHPs, and residential treatment. I have tried so many things, searching for relief and just haven't found what I need to overcome this depression.

Thank you for your kind words... I have had the gene testing, it didn't help my providers - I've tried all of those medications and they don't work.
You seem to be doing great with your frontotemperol dementia diagnosis. My Dad has that same diagnosis.
My kids and a friend keep life light. The hardest time for me is when everyone else is sleeping. Although, lately my dark thoughts have been showing up in the evenings now too. Life overwhelms me. I know the medication is not working because in the past when the only combination meds worked for me, they kept my emotions level. I was able to function like everyone else. I could hold down a job, crowds didn't overwhelm me, and I never got sensory overload. I can't seem to find any meds to work again. The situation seems very grim.

Hi, Autumn. Thanks for writing me back. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and that your still feeling so down. I hate to ask, but have you seen a neurologist? My words are failing me this evening, so please forgive me if my writing is sloppy. A neuropsychologist might be a good choice. Not to add to your load, but you may want to rule out early FTD or any other brain disease. How's that for cheering you up? I have early onset FTD, and I'm sure the illness was masked by mental health diagnosis and psych meds for some time. My neurologist told me that the Serequel I was on May have even contributed to it. I no longer take any psych meds. I refuse to. Although they keep offering them to me. I'm not sure how much they ever helped, but Clonazepam helps me. Is that a psych med? I get painful spasms from my dementia, and I have bad anxiety at times. Clonazepam calms me down without making me feel like a living piece of cardboard. (I hope you understand that reference). I'm also on pain meds. That is a good 15-30 minute mood boost, but, unfortunately, it wears off, and I take Ambien to sleep at night. I am severely limiting what doctors prescribe to me because I don't trust medication. The side effects are often worse than the advantages.
I'm glad you think I'm doing well with my FTD. If you knew me, you would see that my life is pretty pathetic. I'm alone, youngish, living in an assisted living facility where most people are at least 20 years older than me. Not that they aren't fully lovable and fun, but it's an odd place to be. I'm also isolated from the family I have left, so, you really only see what my words let you see. I have written a book, and I used to research and write a lot, so I think that is helping me maintain some of my language abilities. I have other dementia related issues though I just haven't mentioned on here. Wow, I'm so self-absorbed. This is about you after all. The problem is I can only write about what I know from my own experience. I can only tell you what helps me get through each day, so I guess that's why I come back to talking about me. Also, I've taken my night pills, and I got your message just as I was crawling into bed. I'm beat from today, but I didn't want to just hug you and go to sleep. You deserve better than that.
So, you have children and a friend that helps you. I'm glad. It's awful to be alone. Remember them in your darkest moments. They will not be better off without you. I think of people and the children who live me, and that is one of the reasons I haven't gone completely off the rails. Mostly though, God keeps me. I'm not going to apologize for having faith. Everyone has faith in something. I choose Jesus. I think I would have been dead long ago without Him. This world is hard. It's traumatic. It's violent and depressing as hell. I have to believe there is something more to this life. There is good verses evil. We all see it everyday. In the end, God wins, and I want to be in that party. I want to experience eternal life without pain, tears, death, and all the suffering living in this earthly shell brings. Jesus listens to me, and I know He loves me. He loves you, too. At night, when those negative thoughts come. You know the ones that come that are not good. The evil thoughts of self-harm. I'll probably get booted from this Mayo Clinic after this, but everyone who has truly experienced the darkness understands what I am saying is true. It's evil. Depression wants to kill us. We have to fight it. It's not a passive illness. It's a battle for your life and your soul. There is a place of eternal darkness, and I don't want to go there. I've felt enough of it here. So, when those negative/evil thoughts come, I pray. I cry out to God to help me - to deliver me from evil - to save me. He is the only reason I'm still here. I don't want to just write you the same stuff everyone thinks they should say. There's a real battle for your life going on and you need to win. You need to fight as though you're wearing armor and win. This life is so short anyway. We are here and then we are dust. Why quit early? I could. I've wanted to desperately. I still do sometimes. I want to go home. I want to be in heaven, but it's not my time yet, and what do I have to look forward to here on Earth? The slow, sad, loss of myself, my freedom, my dignity, and my mind until my body withers away. Why wouldn't I say, "bullshit!" and jump ship? I know this isn't all there is. I want to be in the Light forever, and I sure don't want to leave a dark stain on the hearts of the people who love me, so I pray. God, have mercy on me. God, help me. God be with me and get me through this. I'm scared. I'm horrified by what my end looks like, but it's not my place to quit, and I don't understand the reason for everything. I don't know why all these bad things happen, but I hope. I continue to hope. Don't let your hope die. Find something good and grab on. Your children -- they need a father who won't quit. Suicide can travel down family lines. Think about it. God help us all. We are all frail little beings in a huge universe trying to make our way. It's not easy. Find faith. Find hope. Hold on for dear life and don't let go. Life will be over before we know it anyway. Try to find reasons to enjoy each day. Look for the food. Smile at your neighbor. Laugh. Please, fight with all that is in you, and when the battle is too great,which it often is, cry out to God. He is the only reason I find comfort and the only One able to deliver us from this evil. It may be an overused word and certainly not politically correct, but you matter more to me than the hate I may get writing this. God is love. God is good. This world is flipping darkness. There is a reason to hold on. It's called eternity. We are spiritual beings, and when this body dies, we still exist. I know. My heart has stopped before. Autumn, there's no glory in suicide. Please look for the good all around you and fight back all that negative, lying, crap. Deliver me from evil. Jesus can do this for me and you.🩷

If you have not seen a neurologist do so immediately.

All “mental” health originates in the brain. What ever one calls it, the brain is the locus.

All treatment from counseling, which works, and medications that don’t, target the brains ability to adapt and heal.

It starts and ends in the brain.

Trauma can be physically or experimentally inflicted. This covers both genetic or inherent trauma as well as environmental trauma, our lived experience if you will.

When we experience any feeling it is a manifestation of brains function. This is science not voodoo.

If you can not control your racing thoughts you may need to go to an emergency room as much as I hesitate to recommend that.

For me I try to meditate, exercise or simply sit and cry. It is work I know and I am sorry you are suffering so.

Find some professional that will listen and know you are not alone…I know it feels that way; it does for me most of the time as well.

That said lack of understanding doesn’t mean lack of love. You are loved!

Of that I am sure.

Forgive me, I should’ve added before that your experience of being overwhelmed by sensory inputs is what I have lived with my entire life.

It is rare at this level, approximately one percent of the population fall into a category of high sense perception coupled with high cognition, resulting in overwhelming sensory input, some place it on the autism spectrum (what I call the human spectrum).

This has been the origin of my troubles and has been misunderstood for a long time because it doesn’t affect a lot of people, however a disproportionate number of people that it does affect end up on boards like this

If you Google HSP or highly sensitive people we will find you are not alone. It can be comforting to know others are experiencing the same thing it is for me.

It can also be a great source of strength and purpose.

I wish you good health and peace

Both of my parents take citalopram. My Dad has FTD and my Mom has Alzheimer's disease. It seems to help them with depression and anxiety.

Thank you for taking time to reply to me.

I struggle with finding words and memory issues, but I associate those issues with past ECT treatments and depression symptoms. I try to exercise my mind with word games and Sudoku to keep my mind active.

It is scary to know that as we age there are so many diseases that can ravage our minds and/or bodies. I hope you continue to have a positive attitude.

Thank you for the information, I'll look it up. It is truly hard to function with sensory overload and most people don't understand.

I just read the Google definition of HSP, the explanation fits me completely.

Thanks Autumn. It runs on my Mom's side of the family, too. I lost my Grandpa, my uncle, and my cousin is 2 years older than me and in end stage. It takes a toll, but everyone goes through something, don't they?

I have no hate mail. I'm surprised. I hope you understand that what I wrote last night was from the heart. I really want the best for you, and I know I got a bit deep. Pain pills do that, and I was exhausted, but I wanted to give you the best response I could at the moment. I hope you weren't offended. On a lighter note, my niece is visiting today, so I have to keep this short. May you find something funny today and laugh until your sides hurt. 😄💗