What boundaries to set for my 29 yr old alcoholic son?

She left her husband because he was violent. My son is very sweet. Very caring. She gets from him what she missed in her past. I guess she's afraid to lose him. I don't think he would leave her if she set boundaries. I've told her this. I told her that you will lose him to the disease eventually anyway. She is just too timid. I like her. I'd like their relationship to move forward. But not at the cost of my sons health.

They offered him detox in the hospital. I told him he had to do in-house detox. I left the hospital. He signed himself out and his gf took him to her house. My biggest question is if I should not be around him at all. Unless he gets help. Or will that backfire because he has her to carry him. He would be homeless otherwise. Ty

He does not want to quit. He thinks he can drink in moderation. He's tried before. He used drugs when he was younger. He overdosed. After that he quit cold turkey. In his mind he can control the drinking. He cannot. I will look for Al-Anon. Ty

@lisaav please consider this. His actions are already causing separation. You are worried about something that has already happened.
The rest of your family is undoubtably sad, angry, and perhaps even jealous because his bad behavior is getting all your attention. That’s what happened in my family.
He is going to do what he wants to do, and no matter how much you try, you will not be able to change him.

THE SERENITY PRAYER
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Hi and I am sorry to hear about your son. I have been that child. My parents did everything they could to help me, including four times in inpatient treatment starting at the age of 14 years old. I finally got sober at the age of 47 and I have 7+ years sober now. My parents did not realize that they were enablers although they did the best they could for sure and I was able to make amends to them as well as my brother for the decades of worry. I have posted before, but I lost my partner of 25+ years to alcoholism. I found him deceased. I had to move out of our house when I got sober, but he was still my bond partner and best friend. I had to stay sober and due to him still drinking, I made the difficult decision to move out. I ended up taking him to the ER 6 times in a two year period. He had cirrhosis, pancreatitis, varicies in his esophagus and alcoholic hepatitis. I did everything possible to help him, including getting him into treatment. Ultimately, he just could not stop and it killed him. This has only been a little over a year and I still grieve and miss him terribly. I got his parents and sisters to come down and we had an intervention. His mother, 82, asked him, "I am here to find out where you want to be buried." As harsh as that sounds, I was proud of her. Even that did not stop him. Unfortunately, as an alcoholic, it is only the alcoholic that can make the choice to stop. As painful as it is, refusing to allow him to drink in your home is a boundary you are setting and he is probably miserable not being able to do so. I also would sneak drinks at my parents. The seizures are scary. Another issue that ultimately helped me (besides knowing I was going to die if I did not stop) was the fact that my brother refused to talk to me until I quit. Do you know anyone in AA? Has he been to treatment or AA? If you know someone in AA, it might help to have them come talk to him on one of the weekends he is at your house (and probably physically miserable). As far as the girlfriend, do you have a relationship with her? Does she realize the seriousness of this disease? Being blunt and even sharing with her a story like mine (finding my partner dead) might wake her up although it might not. Have you gone to any al-anon meetings? Taking care of yourself and your pain and sadness is important.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
They have Zoom, phone and in person meetings. These people are in your situation. As painful as it is, I can not change anyone or make anyone do anything, however, I can set boundaries, which it seems like you are. I hope this post has not sounded harsh. It is not meant to be. I can relate to both you and your son, having been in both positions. Feel free to reach out. Take care of you as you are no good to anyone if you don't, especially yourself.

I posted below, but it takes what it takes for a person to be miserable enough to decide to stop. If he finds himself homeless, that might be a catalyst for change. I posted my story below.

Ty for sharing your story. I'm happy you finally found sobriety, but sorry your partner did not. My father died of cirrhosis when I was 16. He hid his disease well. My mother enabled him. My daughter is a recovering alcoholic. 7 years sober. I'm incredibly proud of her. My son shuts down when you try to talk it over with him, although he admits he's an alcoholic. I'm currently looking for an in-person meeting with Al-anon. Not crazy about Zoom. My old age, I guess. I've posted here because I can't bring myself to ask my son to stay away. Or even if I should. His sister's are not seeing him at all. I don't know if I can do that. Would it even matter to him? He has her to enable him. I like her. I have spoken to her. We are not close, but could be. I believe he cares for her but manipulates her. His anxiety is terrible. Even as a child he was anxious. But I think he is embarrassed at the idea of therapy or AA.

She does not use drugs or drink. She's a good mother and hard working. She's is actually very religious. There is a lot of abuse in her past. My son is very sweet and affectionate. I think she enables him because she's afraid of losing him. I explained to her that she will lose him to his addiction anyway. My son is self-destructive. That's why it's so hard to watch. It hurts us that he hurts himself. He has so much to offer. But his anxiety and depression gets the better of him. Ty for your response.

If he has admitted he is an alcoholic, then there will be a point where he is so miserable he will probably ask for help. I understand you not asking your son to stay away. I do think everyone has to make their own decisions. He is your son and you love him. I did not ask Harold to stay away, I just could not live with him while he was drinking. We still remained in constant contact and he wanted me to stay sober as he knew what I was like when I was drinking/using. He completely isolated himself. He was extremely intelligent and worked in computer language programming and unfortunately due to COVID, he was able to work via online. So then, he could drink and work. That is what did him in as before, he was functional...go to work, come home, then drink. During COVID, he was able to drink all day. Al-anon is helpful and there may be people that make the suggestion that you refuse to let him in your house. I do not necessarily agree with that and everyone's situation and relationships with their loved ones is different. I had a friend when I was in high school who was also an alcoholic. She married and had a child. Her husband was also an addict. Her parents were hard core "tough love" and did ask her to not come over until she wanted to quit. She ended up committing suicide. That is not a story to tell you that everyone is different and my parents knew her family and also attended al-anon. My mom once told me that as long as I was alive she had hope and that she just could not turn away from me. And, yes, I put my parents through a lot of pain. I apologized when making my amends to them and asked them what I could do to make it right (that is step 4 & 5 in the 12 steps). Both my mother, father and brother told me that my staying sober was what I could do. I do not know where you live, but there is probably an al-anon meeting nearby. The link I shared can tell you. All you do is type in your location (zip code or city, state I believe). Hang in there. Also, your son's GF will probably wake up to the fact that he needs to stop unless she is an alcoholic also and they are drinking together. There is hope though. Stay in the present moment. Try not to think about tomorrow as it is not here. Sending peace and thoughts to you.
Ginny

I was not able to stay away from Harold and my parents did not do that to me. There are some schools of though that suggest that, however, if it is making you sick, you have to take care of you. I would imagine, that even if he is at your house on the weekends, you are just glad to be with him. That is how I looked at it. You have told him no drinking at your house. If he is there, though, and is prone to seizures, in the 1940's, the men of AA used to keep some alcohol on hand to stop DT's, etc. I would not tell him that nor am I suggesting that is what you do. I do know, however, it is dangerous for an alcoholic (at least my type) to just stop cold turkey. It is good that you asked him not to drink at your house. Maybe he will get miserable and that is when people like me (and him) are most vulnerable and might seek help. I am so sorry and have probably posted too much. I think you are doing the best you can.