Dying Well

I have read the original post many times ... just to be sure I understand what the writer is talking about -- even if the title may be too wide to encompass what it means. And so to me the third sentence clears any doubt: "But this is the first time in my eight decades that I feel lonely. I would love to share feelings, experiences, etc. with other like minded folks, but no one in my periphery shares my joy at looking forward to the transition."

Now loneliness is problem at Any age, and many believe it's most widespread among the teens to early twenties. But it's the second highest among we-the-old. And I'd think that especially so after one is done with what we had planned for after taking retirement. So it's in this post-post retirement stage which sees the Big Closure, staring unblinkingly in your face. This is what makes this phase of life SO pressingly important to find a way out of the Loneliness that one feels having no one to talk about how to make this last phase spent most meaningfully so you don't feel you wasted This Last Chance.

I've tried to understand what makes people Not Connect when they actually Want to Connect. Loneliness is compared to physical hunger; our physical markers of health plunge when we are lonely. A test was done by making socially-connected people hypnotized to feel lonely, resulting in HBP and other symptoms in a recent New York Times article.

So WHY are people so averse to Connect?
It seems deep down they feel As If everyone will find out that they have No Friends, a finding rarely written about but I have researched this subject for a few years now and only four places out of hundred plus article I have read point to this reason. Yes, I read/listen about this issue a lot.

But why the old-like-us who have nothing to lose are still scared of this phantom fear?
In the two recent seniors meetup groups I belong to I see this writ-large: people sign up (with photos) but 4 of 5 don't show up, nor bother to tell why.

Yet the 'hunger' is too strong to keep me in check. I'm going to keep trying.
(BTW, Aristotle didn't say for no reason: Life without a friend is not worth-living) And Socrates died among loving friends.

I am still trying to understand what requests or needs HappyKC was bringing forth in opening of this topic.
Some vagueness or flexibility may be very appropriate in a request for conversation, so this is not a criticism.

I can try to move this forward by just sharing some of my need for human relationship as best I can express it.
My life history includes many yearnings which I often could not express clearly, some moments of wondrous connection, and many moments of "pretty darned good."

Life involves limits, sufferings and frustrations.
In general it seems to me best to try to address these without causing further distress for others.
Considerable difficulty can occur when my coping mechanisms and another person's coping mechanisms are incompatible.
I don't maintain any "softening beliefs." I did not exist before 1949, and similarly I won't exist after my death. Any reference to "after my death" will only exist for other people who remember me. "I" won't be around to remember "me."
It behooves me to experience and enjoy life (including "me") while I can. These experiences are ultimately limited, though I don't know exactly when that limit will occur.

One of my best enjoyments is enjoying other people with whom I can share honestly about our experiences and conundrums. I am deeply grateful for these people, some of whom are very young, some very old. (Each year it gets harder to find people who are older than me!)

Perhaps one of the hardest things for me has been to learn how much to say and when to accept that we've reached the limit of sharing, and to move on graciously and honestly when that limit has been reached. It is a sad moment for me when I realize that I cannot always share things I find wonderful with people I love. Post 75 years, I'm still learning about that!

HappyKC, I hope this will be in some way a response to your request.

Ed

In the spirit of the loneliness thread in this conversation and making new friends at an older age, it was one of my goals when I retired, and I've been successful so far. I have learned several things from doing so.

First, if we haven't done it in years, it feels really scary. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm guessing it is because other people will judge you and decide they don't like you, and if that happens, too many of us assume it's because there is something wrong with us. It takes getting into a head space where you don't want to be liked by everyone; it's fine to not click with other people and when it happens, you'll just move on; and it's a long game -- you're not going to make 5 new friends right now, you'll make 5 new friends over the next two or three years by taking advantage of opportunities. I didn't get there by being this organized, of course -- I got there by trial and error. I decided to try something, anything, to deal with my fear and intimidation and shyness, and gradually figured out how to pull it off more regularly. (Your mileage may vary, of course.)

Second, there are ways to make it less scary. In my case, as an introvert who does not enjoy group settings, I've settled on just suggesting to people who seem compatible that we get together for coffee. Sometimes they say yes, sometimes they say no, sometimes they have no idea how to respond because this isn't something that happens when you are a librarian speaking with a library user. But really, all of these consequences are entirely survivable. I recently started getting together with someone I connected to on my Buy Nothing group on Facebook. You mostly just need to put yourself into situations where you get to naturally chat with other people for a while. And realize that most of those chats will go nowhere in particular, and can still be enjoyable for a few minutes.

Third, I go into those first coffees with the expectation that I'll enjoy the one-on-one conversation, and the first one may be the last one, and that's OK. Each time, I learn something about how to do it better the next time. Also, just because the person may click with me doesn't mean that I click with them as we get to know one another, which is a judgment-free conclusion.

Fourth, if I get a rejection off the bat, or suggest a follow-up and get a sequence of "not nows", I take that as "no" and move on. Ditto if I'm ghosted. Again, it just means we didn't click, not that either of us is a bad person. It also means that most of us don't have a good way to say "it's not working for me" or "my life is too full already" or "what the heck -- who does this?", so we use awkward ways to signal that.

Memento morí

In addition, thank you again for replying as it was very helpful to talk about it again to someone who truly understands this role as a caregiver. Thank you!

What about hospice. When my mom was in her process of dying I kept asking my 2 health care professional sisters about requesting visits from hospice and both sisters told me that in order to get hospice visits you have to only gave 6 mos. To live and that had to be documented somehow from a doctor. I have always been the black sheep in my family and finally asked her doctor. Turns out they were both wrong. Some patients have had hospice visits for 2 years. There is no age or time left requirement. I called and they were there within 24 hours. I found them to be helpful and matter of fact when needed. I would reach out to them as of course they specialize in dying. We need to destigmatize the whole process so that talking about it does not make us out to be ghoulish. We will all get there and some people me included want to discuss.

Again, @projfan, thank you. You have wonderful insights! After many years as group admin on some chronic illness groups, I got a little burnout on groups. My pal had to arm twist me for this one and I am so glad he did. I'm by nature an introvert, and also by choice. It's what works for me. A very happy introvert, I might add. But I still enjoy making new friends, I've just become terribly drama adverse in my old age, consciously chose to withdraw a bit more about 10 years ago. I feel blessed that I have lots of younger friends, for the ones my age (80) and older are dropping off fast. But, of course, the younger folk do not care to discuss death and I have to respect that.

You have a wonderful mindset as you approach these encounters. The absence of judgement is key, and I'm so glad to hear someone else say; "It's OK, we just didn't click, it doesn't make either of us a bad person." I have the same attitude, and apply it to every situation. It sure did help me weed out a whole raft of medical people. Life is too short now, and too precious. And going into something with no expectations often leaves me pleasantly surprised. Because, at 80, I am still a work in progress and have much to learn! Keep on keepin' on. Peace and Every Good.

@scain, yes, hospice will be a consideration as I get closer to the end. I recently retired as an Eldercargiver and have had wonderful experiences with my patients who went to hospice, whether at home, or another place. I'm less concerned with the actual event, or the circumstances leading up to it. I've experienced NDE (near death experience) so that is no worry to me. I'm more interested in how I can approach it joyfully, which I hope will minimize the impact for my loved ones. One person mentioned the death cafes, and that was very appealing to me, so I'm gonna check it out. Folks meeting over tea/coffee and cake to discuss, rationally, the process of this next great transition. I'm of Irish descent, and we say "cry when you are born, laugh when you die". That pretty much says it all, for me. Peace and Every Good.

@scain, yes, hospice will be a consideration as I get closer to the end. I recently retired as an Eldercargiver and have had wonderful experiences with my patients who went to hospice, whether at home, or another place. I'm less concerned with the actual event, or the circumstances leading up to it. I've experienced NDE (near death experience) so that is no worry to me. I'm more interested in how I can approach it joyfully, which I hope will minimize the impact for my loved ones. One person mentioned the death cafes, and that was very appealing to me, so I'm gonna check it out. Folks meeting over tea/coffee and cake to discuss, rationally, the process of this next great transition. I'm of Irish descent, and we say "cry when you are born, laugh when you die". That pretty much says it all, for me. Peace and Every Good.