How do I make anything work in this world?

So sorry to hear this story of life. I'm a realist and our world had sadly become not what you know but who. However, you are very talented. Not sure where you live but possibly move to an area where you can showcase your many talents. Easier said than done with no job but don't give up. 🙏

Yes, you do need help.
Depression can be deadly.

I understand the hopeless feeling. I understand turning my life completely around only to have brutal road blocks thrown in the way. What I have to do is to look for what is happening right now. I have a place to live (although it has MANY problems), I have food, clothes a car and I am able to think, see, hear, have all my limbs. I am sober for the first time in my life. I am 54 as well. I have had 7 years sober and then everything fell apart a couple of years ago. I am living off student loans and going back to school, online due to my health issues (Long COVID). I have to remain in the day I have. I am not promised tomorrow. It sounds like you have a lot of talent in several areas. Do what you can today. I appreciate your post a lot. Sometimes one helps other people when they do not even know it. Hang in there.

I may be totally off, but there is a bell curve. You do not appear to be within the norm. You are way out on the exceptional, where it is difficult to find an accepting niche. Listen carefully to Earth Wind Fire Fantasy. You have the right key. You just need, in the infinity of this existence to find the right lock. Take your game to South Beach🙂.
I have had the same problem with, unfortunately, having been told all along that I am stupid, despite honors and awards. The guys who are off the charts Zen Roshis. The Kabbalists ((Arizal Gershom Sholem) Sufis and their poets. Alan Watts.
Go higher.
You won't find it in the mundane.
Try Colin Wilson - The Outsider.
Adam Becker More Forever.
Did you see movie Everything Everywhere All The Time? Big award winner. No one understands it- you do.

Life is unfair and only as good as you make it. Focus on the solution, not the problem. Your attitude determines your direction. Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day. Avoid viewing problems as impossible. Accept changes as part of your life. Nurture a positive view of yourself and maintain a hopeful outlook. Figure out a way, or don't complain. Don't expect immediate results. Don't worry about pleasing everyone. Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself. Don't waste energy on things you can't control. Don't give up after the first failure. Don't take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive. You become a prisoner in your mind when you cling to negative thoughts. The way you think, you will feel, and the way you feel, you will act. One day you'll be just a memory for some people; do your best to be a good one. God bless you.

Thank you. I needed that.

I can relate. I have felt that way about certain aspects of my life. Now….I don’t dwell on the disappointment. For the last year, I have worked on good health and fitness and strive for better health. I now feel good health and having the ability to work….at whatever job it may be…..is a great fortune. To live independently…..enjoy a glass of wine on Friday night, dance at a concert, play with my nieces! Simple, but sweet things. Perhaps, this change in perspective comes with age.

But, Trainwreck808, you sure do sound gifted and productive. It sounds like you have been a blessing to a lot of people. Best wishes on it turning around for you in your chosen career.

For me it has helped to re learn over and over about internal and external locus of control. What do I really have agency over? What do I say yes to or no to?

I may have missed it but if you have been doing all this mostly creative stuff, you must have a source of income to do your creative stuff AND pay for lodging, food, travel etc?

Now it so happens I was in NYC in early eighties to early 90s (my early forties to early fifties) -- bitten by the pressing urge to figure out what makes nations prosper, a question that became more pressing as I ended up working during the oil boom in the Middle East -- and therefore had enough funds to spare my quest without earning income. After a few years at NYU and City Univ studying full time, I realized it's not an engineering question (my field of expertise) so I earned an MS in it so that my resume won't look as if I'd been adrift.
But even with experience overseas, I had difficulty finding work allowed to foreign students in their area of education for a few years. I looked up, first, where the unemployment rate was lowest and got on plane and from hotel rooms called potential employers in my area of work. I did get to find work for a few years until I moved to another country.
I figure u r in liberal arts as your pursuits suggest, which is an area that may be harder to crack. But yet many find administrative positions amenable -- but your lack of experience may be, especially as one in early 50s, as not appealing.

My question is have you considered how YOU would hire You if you were the employer? As a liberal arts major, you must have the mental judo to figure this out. When I'd hard luck, I even read books like What Color is Your Parachute to find employment. And I also worked the evening hours on minimum wage on telemarketing work after spending my day calling employers in my field. And yes it did get me work in my field every time after maybe 100* calls.

BTW don't you have any contacts from college days, just to figure out how THEY found work as they too have had similar education?
I look at work that it's first criterion is that it pays the bills; if you find it also meaningful, u r lucky.
I know government and community resources are places one gets the handle on the current situation in one's region. Even libraries can be a good source as I have used them for.
Yes, I had spent four full-time years after retiring at 67 to write a book to 'fix' obesity Without medical interventions. yet the 102,000 word ms sits in my word-file hissing and cussing as NOT ONE agent showed interest to even respond forget Looking at it. So I say: Too bad for you, people; rejoice in your misery.

But it still hurts me -- mostly because the Affluent world could have used it to deal with their overweight/obesity and its horrible consequences such as diabetes, depression, dementia, early death and more.
I truly hope you find some flickers of hope here in this our sometimes .... (choose your curse) world.

@trainwreck808 I was married to a man whose story is very similar to yours.

He also is an award winning musician, composer, arranger with a Summa Cum Laude Masters Degree in Music Composition. Yet he feels like he “walks under a black cloud” his words not mine.
He is a “poor me” kind of guy. He never got a break, his life is in the toilet, people don’t talk to me and I don’t know why….and on it goes.

I’ve known him for 60 years, yes we are that ancient, and he is one of my best friends. I have no problem telling him to stop making everything about HIM.
He revolves around himself, and then doesn’t understand why people avoid him. He truly has no clue what he does to other people when they try to interact with him. He does not listen to understand. He barely listens at all because he can’t stop talking about himself.

This wonderful man is now married to another very talented musician. They make a great couple especially when he composes a choral piece, and she sings the solo. But, he said to me “see what I have to put up with” when he opened the silverware draw, and every piece was neatly “spooned” together.
Put up with what! It’s all about him every time.

We all have our own defects of character, however most of us don’t know where they lie. I suspect if we did, we might try to remove them.

I’m writing this just to air out my feelings. My greatest strength comes from knowing that I’m not in charge of anything and remembering to take my hands off the “steering wheel”. There is a powerful lesson in that. When I feel like I keep running into a wall I stop striving, and wait. The small voice of God leads me where I need to be, and it’s always right.

Wishing you the best.