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Dying Well
Does anyone know of a group, anywhere, who can support each other while dying in love and grace? I do not fear dying, for a number of reasons. It will come soon, and I hope I can welcome it, I've worked hard to get to this point. But this is the first time in my eight decades that I feel lonely. I would love to share feelings, experiences, etc. with other like minded folks, but no one in my periphery shares my joy at looking forward to the transition. Family would be horrified, friends terrified. I cannot discuss this with my therapist, he is terrified himself and would be sure I am depressed and possibly suicidal. I am not. I am not anxious to die, I love my life. I used to wonder why God kept me around so long, as everyone around me, even those younger, are passing. I'm thinking it might be the grand gift of the 'Golden Years', 'cuz I am loving these days! I am not anti aging, but have no interest in attempting to retain my youth or live forever. My attitude is "I'm ready whenever He is". Not a religious person, but one of great faith and spirituality. I've spent hours scrolling around to see if there is any entity, group or person who shares my feelings. All I find is stuff to support fear of death, and how to get over it. I'm over it, and have been for some time. I'm trying to age with love and gratitude, and meet the transition the same way. I live each day as joyfully as I can. I'm just kinda bummed that I have no one to share this joy with, who feels as I do. Life has taught me that shared experiences have such great value, but maybe not this? Maybe Mayo should consider a "Dying Well" support group. I can't believe I'm the only person out there. But if I tried to start one, OMG! Friends and family would plotz! I think I'm just tired of having to keep my feelings to myself. It's a long journey, and a great one, and I'd love to share with others like me, learn from each other, help each other along. Thanks to any who read this, and suggestions are welcome but don't be a wiseass.
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Death Cafes can be helpful and interesting. I've attended two over the years--one local in a cafe and one on-line from artists based in Canada. These discussions make death seem more ordinary and accessible, and are just personal without much agenda.
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7 ReactionsIn the spirit of the loneliness thread in this conversation and making new friends at an older age, it was one of my goals when I retired, and I've been successful so far. I have learned several things from doing so.
First, if we haven't done it in years, it feels really scary. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm guessing it is because other people will judge you and decide they don't like you, and if that happens, too many of us assume it's because there is something wrong with us. It takes getting into a head space where you don't want to be liked by everyone; it's fine to not click with other people and when it happens, you'll just move on; and it's a long game -- you're not going to make 5 new friends right now, you'll make 5 new friends over the next two or three years by taking advantage of opportunities. I didn't get there by being this organized, of course -- I got there by trial and error. I decided to try something, anything, to deal with my fear and intimidation and shyness, and gradually figured out how to pull it off more regularly. (Your mileage may vary, of course.)
Second, there are ways to make it less scary. In my case, as an introvert who does not enjoy group settings, I've settled on just suggesting to people who seem compatible that we get together for coffee. Sometimes they say yes, sometimes they say no, sometimes they have no idea how to respond because this isn't something that happens when you are a librarian speaking with a library user. But really, all of these consequences are entirely survivable. I recently started getting together with someone I connected to on my Buy Nothing group on Facebook. You mostly just need to put yourself into situations where you get to naturally chat with other people for a while. And realize that most of those chats will go nowhere in particular, and can still be enjoyable for a few minutes.
Third, I go into those first coffees with the expectation that I'll enjoy the one-on-one conversation, and the first one may be the last one, and that's OK. Each time, I learn something about how to do it better the next time. Also, just because the person may click with me doesn't mean that I click with them as we get to know one another, which is a judgment-free conclusion.
Fourth, if I get a rejection off the bat, or suggest a follow-up and get a sequence of "not nows", I take that as "no" and move on. Ditto if I'm ghosted. Again, it just means we didn't click, not that either of us is a bad person. It also means that most of us don't have a good way to say "it's not working for me" or "my life is too full already" or "what the heck -- who does this?", so we use awkward ways to signal that.
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4 ReactionsThank you for your response. I didn't mean to imply that I have Alzheimer's. Two years ago I got a concussion and am having problems from that -- one of which is memory. My maternal grandmother and one of her daughters (she had 5, plus 7 boys) got Alzheimer's. My parents didn't live long enough for Alzheimer's to be a question. I just want to make sure I don't have to live as a zombie for years, using up my small estate (my daughter is autistic & it could help her a lot).
Thank you for that information.
How awful to have had a concussion and then problems from that! That must be very hard to deal with. That's nice that your grandmother had 12 children. It's too bad that one of them did get Alzheimer's. People used to have larger families. My husband who recently died of lung cancer came from a family of 9. I understand how you don't want to end up without a good life and how you want to leave what you can for your young daughter. That's very good of you. You sound like you are a very good person. I would suggest that you just take all this to God and ask him to handle it for you. He's very good at that. I've had so many prayers answered when I didn't know where to turn. My husband was so ill with cancer and I prayed so hard for him and he got better even though he still had cancer and lived 14 years. Those were wonderful years and I'm glad we had them. He did die but we all do. My husband was 83 and I miss him a lot. However, I know we'll be together again in Heaven. It keeps me going. That and my prayers.
I'll say a prayer for you. I wish you the best.
PML