Dying Well

Death Cafes can be helpful and interesting. I've attended two over the years--one local in a cafe and one on-line from artists based in Canada. These discussions make death seem more ordinary and accessible, and are just personal without much agenda.

In the spirit of the loneliness thread in this conversation and making new friends at an older age, it was one of my goals when I retired, and I've been successful so far. I have learned several things from doing so.

First, if we haven't done it in years, it feels really scary. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm guessing it is because other people will judge you and decide they don't like you, and if that happens, too many of us assume it's because there is something wrong with us. It takes getting into a head space where you don't want to be liked by everyone; it's fine to not click with other people and when it happens, you'll just move on; and it's a long game -- you're not going to make 5 new friends right now, you'll make 5 new friends over the next two or three years by taking advantage of opportunities. I didn't get there by being this organized, of course -- I got there by trial and error. I decided to try something, anything, to deal with my fear and intimidation and shyness, and gradually figured out how to pull it off more regularly. (Your mileage may vary, of course.)

Second, there are ways to make it less scary. In my case, as an introvert who does not enjoy group settings, I've settled on just suggesting to people who seem compatible that we get together for coffee. Sometimes they say yes, sometimes they say no, sometimes they have no idea how to respond because this isn't something that happens when you are a librarian speaking with a library user. But really, all of these consequences are entirely survivable. I recently started getting together with someone I connected to on my Buy Nothing group on Facebook. You mostly just need to put yourself into situations where you get to naturally chat with other people for a while. And realize that most of those chats will go nowhere in particular, and can still be enjoyable for a few minutes.

Third, I go into those first coffees with the expectation that I'll enjoy the one-on-one conversation, and the first one may be the last one, and that's OK. Each time, I learn something about how to do it better the next time. Also, just because the person may click with me doesn't mean that I click with them as we get to know one another, which is a judgment-free conclusion.

Fourth, if I get a rejection off the bat, or suggest a follow-up and get a sequence of "not nows", I take that as "no" and move on. Ditto if I'm ghosted. Again, it just means we didn't click, not that either of us is a bad person. It also means that most of us don't have a good way to say "it's not working for me" or "my life is too full already" or "what the heck -- who does this?", so we use awkward ways to signal that.

Thank you for your response. I didn't mean to imply that I have Alzheimer's. Two years ago I got a concussion and am having problems from that -- one of which is memory. My maternal grandmother and one of her daughters (she had 5, plus 7 boys) got Alzheimer's. My parents didn't live long enough for Alzheimer's to be a question. I just want to make sure I don't have to live as a zombie for years, using up my small estate (my daughter is autistic & it could help her a lot).

Thank you for that information.

How awful to have had a concussion and then problems from that! That must be very hard to deal with. That's nice that your grandmother had 12 children. It's too bad that one of them did get Alzheimer's. People used to have larger families. My husband who recently died of lung cancer came from a family of 9. I understand how you don't want to end up without a good life and how you want to leave what you can for your young daughter. That's very good of you. You sound like you are a very good person. I would suggest that you just take all this to God and ask him to handle it for you. He's very good at that. I've had so many prayers answered when I didn't know where to turn. My husband was so ill with cancer and I prayed so hard for him and he got better even though he still had cancer and lived 14 years. Those were wonderful years and I'm glad we had them. He did die but we all do. My husband was 83 and I miss him a lot. However, I know we'll be together again in Heaven. It keeps me going. That and my prayers.
I'll say a prayer for you. I wish you the best.
PML

Sorry for the delay @dlydailyhope, I was a little overwhelmed by the response. Thank you and bless you for assembling all these wonderful links, in this and your previous post. Lots to explore. I see you've done your homework, good for you. I wish you all the best, I was a single mom and it's an awesome responsibility. You sound as though you have your priorities straight. I'm glad you feel supported in this group, and your faith and trust in God will get you through. Peace and Every Good.

Thank you, @denisestlouie, for your kind words. I think a lot of folks feel like your dad did, and I do. I spent many years as an eldercaregiver and advocate. In my work I would try to help everyone in the family become at peace if their loved one's life is ending. It's more than common that the Elder would be the one trying to put others at ease. We're ready, it's the ones we love who get stuck with the grief.

what a wonderful mindset, @happilyalive! That's what frustrates me the most, that most everyone is younger than me, and scared of death, so I have to keep this lovely journey to myself. But I see by the number of responses I've received, it's on a lot of people's minds. When I encounter something that has the potential to be dark and scary, I want to shine a light on it, make it less scary. I'm very close with some of my grands and great grands, and being young, they freak out. My 8 year old great grand started asking questions about death. He's a smart kid, and that's a normal age to start wondering about death. I watched the people around him get all uncomfortable and it brought me back to a time when I was little, prolly asked the same questions, got the same uncomfy feelings. When he asked if I'm so old, will I die soon, everyone hollered "no", and I said 'yes'. Poor kid , everyone started yammering at once, and I just grabbed him and went out back, and we discussed it over a game of cornhole. He's fine with it, he says, but would like some advance notice so he could say goodbye. His paternal great grandma passed recently, so of course he has questions. Of course they ask at the wrong time, without warning, that's what kids do. People were like cockroaches, scurrying out of the kitchen! Thank you again, for your wonderful post of love and support. Peace and Every Good!

@rtw Bless you for finding the gifts inherent in tragedy, there are many. My condolences for your loss. I do believe we can prepare, especially if we are given the gift of time. And meet it peacefully, and possibly joyously. I feel sad for the people who are not really living their best life, because they so fear dying. I'll probably misquote Brother Lawrence here, but he said, in essence; "you have to know dying, before you can truly live." Now, you know, and from there you learn. It's kind of part of a continuum, yes? Using his journey to inform yours. I bet he'd like that. Peace and Every Good!

"I am dying, except I'm not" Thank you for that @thisismarilynb! I kind of know, and have for a long time how much longer I'm here for. But I could roll out of bed and bash my head tonite. So I live each day, as it comes. Kind of on cruise control. It's delightful! Continued good health. Peace and Every Good!