Ready for the end.

Good Morning @kelli1989
As many here in this supportive community have already expressed, you are definitely not alone in your epilepsy journey.
I have lived with temporal lobe epilepsy since my teenage years, but I wasn't diagnosed until 2019 at age 48, when my condition worsened. The first two years of treatment were incredibly challenging and difficult. I had to leave the job I loved and became dependent on others, feeling unwell most of the time. My physical and mental health deteriorated to the point where I experienced suicidal thoughts—something I could barely admit to myself. Please know that having these feelings is nothing to be ashamed of. With my husband's incredible support, I found the strength to persevere and seek help.
I share here the main approaches that helped me move forward:
Neuropsychological or Psychological Support: The guidance from my neuropsychologist was essential to rebuilding my strength. Accepting a lifelong condition requires effort and adaptation—something we worked on extensively during those difficult early years. As @dannoyes wisely said, epilepsy is just one aspect of who we are.
Specialized Treatment: Finding the right medical support makes all the difference. During those first two years, I saw numerous neurologists and psychiatrists, but many treatments seemed to cause more harm than good. When I finally connected with an epileptologist (thanks to another member of this community), my condition improved dramatically, I got much better, and could stand up again.
Building New Connections: After my diagnosis, I initially felt ashamed and isolated. As I gradually regained confidence, I began opening up about my condition. Some people distanced themselves—something my neuropsychologist had prepared me for—but I discovered new, supportive communities. This Mayo Clinic epilepsy group has been invaluable, connecting me with understanding people who face similar challenges. I have also found an amazing community through yoga, besides meeting nice and understanding people at my Pilates, and tennis. Additionally, since my mother has Alzheimer's, I joined a wonderful family support group. These new connections have shown me that I am not the only one with struggles and that we can grow stronger together.
Lifestyle Adaptations: Smiling again required adjusting to my new reality. Losing driving privileges initially felt like losing my independence, making me reliant on my husband for transportation. Gradually, I discovered alternative ways to maintain my freedom—walking, using Uber, or public transportation. I must say that I am fortunate to live in a neighborhood with so many facilities around me. People at places I regularly visit know about my condition, which provides peace of mind. I wear a medical alert bracelet with crucial information, giving me confidence to venture out independently. I have also developed strategies to manage my memory issues. But most of all, I have learned to respect my body.
Have you had support from a psychologist or neuropsychologist? If not, I strongly encourage you to consider it.
Regarding Stevens-Johnson syndrome, I have done some research and learned it is primarily associated with certain anticonvulsant medications. Lamotrigine, carbamazepine, oxcarbazepine, phenytoin, and phenobarbital carry higher risks for developing this condition. Have you taken any of those AEDs? Are you currently on an AED together with your VNS?
I would love to hear from others in our group about what has helped them better manage epilepsy and improve their quality of life.
And to end, one of my yoga teachers always says: You can get discouraged, but never give up!
Wishing you strength and healing!!!
Chris (@santosha)

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself so long as you remember life will get better as time goes on. I was diagnosed with epiepsy about 20 years ago; the effects drove me into a deep depression. I couldn't drive for several years, fortunately my doctors didn't pull my license. They made me sign a statement acknowledging I was told not to drive and doing so is illegal. They also informed me they would pull my license if they saw me driving.

I had a very close friend who was dying of cancer, he was given 18 months to live. He never appeared to be depressed about it. One day I asked him how stayed so positive. He told me he had two options (1) lay around feeling sorry for himself or (2) make the best of it and enjoy whatever time he had left.

That's when I realized I had to change my focus. My wife would tell me she's sorry I can't drive myself to the store. I'd tell her don't feel sorry for me; I get to rest when you must drive.

There's nothing I can do to stop a seizure once it starts. The people I care about the most know that it's the disease and not who I am. It scares people who follow up with words of sympathy. I laugh and tell them don't feel sorry for me, I don't remember any of it. I feel sorry for you because you were so scared that you almost pooped your pants. Everyone knows I'm not being honest, but everyone laughs and we move on.

Please understand I know my life isn't perfect and I'm really down some days. Writing on this site is a big help.

I go to bed every night reminding myself tomorrow is an opportunity for my best day ever and every morning I tell myself it's my opportunity for my best day ever. It's corny, but it reminds of all the good things the day will bring. There are people worse off than me.

Stay positive, things will get better.

Hi @tonyde
I loved when you shared what your friend with cancer told you! "He told me he had two options: (1) lay around feeling sorry for himself or (2) make the best of it and enjoy whatever time he had left." This is very true!!
Following this way of thinking, there is an inspiring movie called "Srikanth," which I have already shared in other posts. Based on a true story, it beautifully portrays the journey of Srikanth Bolla, a visually impaired entrepreneur who overcame tremendous obstacles.
https://www.imdb.com/pt/title/tt23790740/