1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Help! My husband refuses to shower. It’s been 2 weeks now.

Posted by cheryl16 @cheryl16, Dec 23, 2024

My husband who has mid stage Alzheimer’s just refuses to shower or bathe. He used to shower every morning but since his disease progressed, he refuses to get wet. He won’t even get near the shower and gets aggressive if pushed too hard. I thought I’d try getting into the shower with him but that didn’t work. I can’t get him to use a wash cloth either. I bought dry shampoo and he resists that but I’m going to try again. I think his psychiatrist will tell me to increase his meds but he’s already on 450 mgs of Seroquel to control aggressive behavior and he sleeps a lot during the day. I’m not ready for him to turn into a potted plant!

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virginia62 | @virginia62 | 1 day ago

My Mom is in the advanced stage of Dementia. She hated showering too. She would get so angry at me and I'd end up in tears. I figured out along the way that she forgot the steps to showering but was too stubborn or ashamed to admit it. Honestly, nothing helped. We gave up and so did the Memory Care Center. She was so mean and extremely aggressive, verbally and physically. She went 3 months with no shower and kept the same clothes on. It might seem weird to just give up, but what other options were there? Zero. It was better to stop the expectations of her ever showering. They did try other methods. For a while I went when they showered her to be there to support her. My mother is modest to say the least. I'm not helping answer your question but I do have some insight. She was always clean and dressed to the nines. Now she's unable to hold any sort of conversation. I chose my battles with my Mom in that stage. She still has issues with bathing, but if she has one a week I'm happy. I wish I would have educated myself much sooner. My time with my Mom is precious and I don't want her stressed about anything. There are books to read, support groups, keeping a good repoir with the staff. It's all about being with my Mom and engaging in the best way possible. I know my Dad struggled with all of it before she went to Memory Care. He had his own health issues and passed away 2 years ago. He moved into a skilled nirsing apartment right next door and saw her daily until he wasn't able to anymore. I miss them both. I can't call my Mom and ask for a recipe or anything else like that. When she reached that level of Dementia, I miss the silly things that probably shouldn't even matter. She didn't go to his funeral because she wasn't even aware that he died. 60 years of marriage and that was a tough pill to swallow. I guess I'm saying they won't always have that level of fight in them because they don't know about a freaking thing anymore. The anticipatory grief is real. I'm not gonna lie, it's a struggle all the way through there are new challenges to face. Make sure you take care of yourself. That is very important throughout ALL of it. I'm so sorry to go on. Your post reminded me of that time of aggressive behavior with her. It won't last. I buy her her tons of pairs of sunglasses cuz she loses every pair. I buy her clothes cuz they come up missing. That's normal. And I've Bern in the ER with her after every fall to get her stitched up. She feels zero pain when she lashes her head open. It's laughing and crying and loving then through it all. I think I've said way more than you wanted to hear, but I hope some of it is helpful. God Bless you for your love and care you give your spouse. ❣️❣️❣️

REPLY
1 reply
cheryl16 | @cheryl16 | 23 hours ago
In reply to @virginia62 "My Mom is in the advanced stage of Dementia. She hated showering too. She would get..." + (show)
@virginia62

My Mom is in the advanced stage of Dementia. She hated showering too. She would get so angry at me and I'd end up in tears. I figured out along the way that she forgot the steps to showering but was too stubborn or ashamed to admit it. Honestly, nothing helped. We gave up and so did the Memory Care Center. She was so mean and extremely aggressive, verbally and physically. She went 3 months with no shower and kept the same clothes on. It might seem weird to just give up, but what other options were there? Zero. It was better to stop the expectations of her ever showering. They did try other methods. For a while I went when they showered her to be there to support her. My mother is modest to say the least. I'm not helping answer your question but I do have some insight. She was always clean and dressed to the nines. Now she's unable to hold any sort of conversation. I chose my battles with my Mom in that stage. She still has issues with bathing, but if she has one a week I'm happy. I wish I would have educated myself much sooner. My time with my Mom is precious and I don't want her stressed about anything. There are books to read, support groups, keeping a good repoir with the staff. It's all about being with my Mom and engaging in the best way possible. I know my Dad struggled with all of it before she went to Memory Care. He had his own health issues and passed away 2 years ago. He moved into a skilled nirsing apartment right next door and saw her daily until he wasn't able to anymore. I miss them both. I can't call my Mom and ask for a recipe or anything else like that. When she reached that level of Dementia, I miss the silly things that probably shouldn't even matter. She didn't go to his funeral because she wasn't even aware that he died. 60 years of marriage and that was a tough pill to swallow. I guess I'm saying they won't always have that level of fight in them because they don't know about a freaking thing anymore. The anticipatory grief is real. I'm not gonna lie, it's a struggle all the way through there are new challenges to face. Make sure you take care of yourself. That is very important throughout ALL of it. I'm so sorry to go on. Your post reminded me of that time of aggressive behavior with her. It won't last. I buy her her tons of pairs of sunglasses cuz she loses every pair. I buy her clothes cuz they come up missing. That's normal. And I've Bern in the ER with her after every fall to get her stitched up. She feels zero pain when she lashes her head open. It's laughing and crying and loving then through it all. I think I've said way more than you wanted to hear, but I hope some of it is helpful. God Bless you for your love and care you give your spouse. ❣️❣️❣️

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Dear Virginia,
Thanks so much for sharing your insights. The best takeaway for me is the
importance of spending time together without fighting. I can’t fight with
him anymore about showering. It completely wears me out.And yet I feel
guilty if I don’t try. Your perspective is so valuable.
I’m very grateful that you explained it to me.
Yours in sisterhood,
Cheryl

REPLY
deniseheart | @deniseheart | 22 hours ago

I am going through the same issue with my mom who is in assisted living. I scheduled a wash and blow dry every two weeks for her and she is enjoying her time with the hairdresser. Before her move to assisted living, it would be six months or more before she would wash her hair let alone take a shower and bath. We haven't been able to get her to shower on a regular basis but we are slowly working on this. As far as changing her clothing, that is an ongoing issue. Wearing the same outfit for a month or more is not uncommon. It isn't worth the aggravation and stress to argue about it. You just have to pick your fights, and clothing is just not worth it.

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