1. < Aging Well

Dying Well

Posted by happykc @happykc, 3 days ago

Does anyone know of a group, anywhere, who can support each other while dying in love and grace? I do not fear dying, for a number of reasons. It will come soon, and I hope I can welcome it, I've worked hard to get to this point. But this is the first time in my eight decades that I feel lonely. I would love to share feelings, experiences, etc. with other like minded folks, but no one in my periphery shares my joy at looking forward to the transition. Family would be horrified, friends terrified. I cannot discuss this with my therapist, he is terrified himself and would be sure I am depressed and possibly suicidal. I am not. I am not anxious to die, I love my life. I used to wonder why God kept me around so long, as everyone around me, even those younger, are passing. I'm thinking it might be the grand gift of the 'Golden Years', 'cuz I am loving these days! I am not anti aging, but have no interest in attempting to retain my youth or live forever. My attitude is "I'm ready whenever He is". Not a religious person, but one of great faith and spirituality. I've spent hours scrolling around to see if there is any entity, group or person who shares my feelings. All I find is stuff to support fear of death, and how to get over it. I'm over it, and have been for some time. I'm trying to age with love and gratitude, and meet the transition the same way. I live each day as joyfully as I can. I'm just kinda bummed that I have no one to share this joy with, who feels as I do. Life has taught me that shared experiences have such great value, but maybe not this? Maybe Mayo should consider a "Dying Well" support group. I can't believe I'm the only person out there. But if I tried to start one, OMG! Friends and family would plotz! I think I'm just tired of having to keep my feelings to myself. It's a long journey, and a great one, and I'd love to share with others like me, learn from each other, help each other along. Thanks to any who read this, and suggestions are welcome but don't be a wiseass.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Aging Well Support Group.

happykc | @happykc | 2 days ago
In reply to @pml "Hi Happykc, I agree with you. I'm 78 and look forward to dying and going to..." + (show)
@pml

Hi Happykc,
I agree with you. I'm 78 and look forward to dying and going to Heaven to be with all my loved ones especially my husband who died last July. Besides my husband dying, so did my good friend and even the neighbor's cat who liked me and all about the same time. A few months apart. Many times I asked God, "Why did I get left behind?"

But here I am. You are right that whenever God wants you to die, you will. I have gotten used to being alone and even somewhat enjoy my life. The wonderful people on the Mayo Connect helped to make that possible. They were so supportive. Plus I have a lot to do since many things got put aside when I was taking care of my husband with lung cancer. Being busy helps with the loneliness. I miss my husband terribly but knowing we'll be together eventually helps a lot. Prayer helps also. I pray a lot and get a lot of prayers answered.

That's too bad that your family can't understand your attitude about dying. Who wouldn't want to get out of this world with all the horrible things happening in it these days? It's certainly not like it used to be. However, you still can find nice places and people who are decent and good. You just have to look harder.

I'll say a prayer that you find what you are looking for.
PML

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Thank you, PML. My condolences on the loss of your husband. Bless you for being pro active and allowing yourself to be open to healing, while you are grieving. So many folks cannot. I'm sure your husband would be proud of you, and is grateful for the care you gave him. Enjoy the time you have here, knowing were going to a better place. My family is coming around, now that my kids are nearing sixty, they are beginning to get it. It's the young grands who still have a lot of living to do, and I was kind of surprised at my friends. But, acknowledging my mortality prolly calls attention to theirs, and they are fearful. I get that. We all have our own path. God bless you.

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happykc | @happykc | 2 days ago
In reply to @alive "Great post! I agree that a lot of people can’t handle a conversation about death without..." + (show)
@alive

Great post! I agree that a lot of people can’t handle a conversation about death without thinking that the person who brings it up is suicidal. It’s tough being alone with these thoughts and it’s good to have someone listen and give you a thoughtful feedback without freaking out.

9 years ago I was diagnosed with leukemia and came very close to dying. I didn’t want to burden my family with my thoughts about needing to prepare for death. They were all trying to boost my spirits and have me think positive thoughts. I agreed with them that it was important to have hope, but it’s also important to think deeply about preparing to die.

My faith in God gave me confidence about what will happen after I died, but the actual dying process was something I struggled with. It can be a lonely journey even though we can be surrounded by people.

If you have a trusted minister to speak with, that may be a good person to turn to with your thoughts about dying.

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Thanks @alive. Going through the cancer magilla twice myself, and spending weeks near death from chemo toxicity was what made me begin on this path of 'getting ready'. My children know, if I am stricken third time, I will chose quality of life and time with my loved ones over treatment other than palliative care. I agree wholeheartedly that is the dying process is the tough part for us, but our deaths will be hard on loved ones. Hence all the cheery faces and positive platitudes, the 'don't give up' mantras, etc. I didn't give up, but I found something, better, stronger. Acceptance, which is not the same as giving up or giving in. I lost my spiritual mentor a few years ago, and have not been able to connect with any of the subsequent clergy at my rural church.. Part of that is me, I can no longer be in congregation settingsGod Bless ou due to a shattered immune system. But God is always with me now, I really feel that presence strongly, and it calms me immensely. God Bless you.

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happykc | @happykc | 2 days ago
In reply to @mir123 "I appreciate your post and attitude. Years ago I met the Quaker writer Peggy Pond Church..." + (show)
@mir123

I appreciate your post and attitude. Years ago I met the Quaker writer Peggy Pond Church who said "I am not at war with life and so am not at war with death." This has become a guiding light for me. I'm not very religious in a formal sense, but the Judaism I practice has little to say about an afterlife and everything to encourage an ethical life. Buddhist meditation (50 years!) has let me appreciate my life in all its changing details. However, I share your experience that most people don't have the same attitude. I've been encouraged to "fight" my cancer emotionally, and essentially to focus on struggle and not acceptance. So thank you for your post. And I am very interested in the resources and continuing conversation.

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@mir123

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happykc | @happykc | 2 days ago

I'm a newbie here, think I am sending replies all over the place, sorry if I'm being confusing. I too have a wonderful relationship with Buddhism and it was when, many years ago (when His Holiness great pal Bishop Desmond Tutu was still alive and there on a visit) that the Dali Lama stated he was a Christian Buddhist that I went "aha"....there might be me! This year I'm doing a yearlong study program online with dear Pema, who I adore. And it was Thich Nat Hahn, years ago, who made meditation lovely and rewarding for me. Before that, all I did was fidget and ache on the cushion......Thay said "lie down if you need to." What a gift he gave me, for I was ready to give up. I also study with a group called The Center For Action and Contemplation founded by Richard Rohr, and they have been instrumental in my quest, they have a wonderful Daily Meditation email, and lots of meditations on YT. I'm glad to come across a fellow seeker, your words were full of kindness and validation. Thank you!

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erinchasen | @erinchasen | 1 day ago

It's been said that one can't really live until one is prepared to die. Preparing for eternity is the most important thing anyone can do and having that assurance brings peace and joy. Jesus said “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." John 14:6. I'd be happy to do a Bible study (online or in person) for anyone who is interested in learning more.

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catartist | @catartist | 1 day ago

Hope they DO add a dying support group! We all wonder and get myopic I think - how can we not? And it is lonely…even with family and my husband here. They are marvelous but don’t want to hear about dying thoughts. Will see a counselor soon on a couple of topics ( with husband - daughter seeing same ). Just lots to navigate. Others thoughts are welcome!

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maryruth7 | @maryruth7 | 1 day ago
In reply to @edsutton "I feel that this moment is the only life I'll ever have. The "me" of yesterday..." + (show)
@edsutton

I feel that this moment is the only life I'll ever have.
The "me" of yesterday or twenty years ago is gone, absent.
So, while I may not have been aware of it, I have been constantly dying away.
Every blade of grass is, in its way, momentarily significant, and so am I.
And eventually our moments are gone.
We won't be worrying about it then and perhaps we can best not worry about it now.
This could be my last moment! I don't want to miss it!

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We want to enjoy each moment of this gift of life, living it in the hope we will be counted worthly to live in God Kingdom.
We will live again the question is where?

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maryruth7 | @maryruth7 | 1 day ago
In reply to @parrot53 "I feel very much the same. Life is an adventure and all adventures must end. I..." + (show)
@parrot53

I feel very much the same. Life is an adventure and all adventures must end. I don’t want to be incapacitated and I have lived a long time and appreciate all I have been given. That said, dying is also a part of life and not to be feared in my estimation. We all die eventually, it is natural. Not wanting to leave but satisfied with my journey and thankful whenever my time comes.

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Life is a beautiful adventure full of test, and trials, our creator God is watching all of us, So glad life does not come to a permanent end death. John 3:6 many read it but some how they miss the deeper meaning. We will live again whether we want to are not, whether we believe it or not.
The question is where?

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maryruth7 | @maryruth7 | 1 day ago
In reply to @mir123 "I appreciate your post and attitude. Years ago I met the Quaker writer Peggy Pond Church..." + (show)
@mir123

I appreciate your post and attitude. Years ago I met the Quaker writer Peggy Pond Church who said "I am not at war with life and so am not at war with death." This has become a guiding light for me. I'm not very religious in a formal sense, but the Judaism I practice has little to say about an afterlife and everything to encourage an ethical life. Buddhist meditation (50 years!) has let me appreciate my life in all its changing details. However, I share your experience that most people don't have the same attitude. I've been encouraged to "fight" my cancer emotionally, and essentially to focus on struggle and not acceptance. So thank you for your post. And I am very interested in the resources and continuing conversation.

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I appreciate your heart felt post, May I share what keeps me going in this life which is full of pain, sorrow, joy, happiness and disappointment.
Is the understanding that we are here but for a short time then it's all over,
I have learn what ever my state of condition is
to find peace. Knowing and understanding not religion but spiritual matters, man has turn spiritual matter into religion, a business, and social club, but My relationship is with God,
John 3:16 tell me who ever believe in him shall not perish but have everlasting life. Seem simple enough to me.
The mystery is we all will live again, the question is where?
Many dont think about any of this until they are truly on their death bed.
Life is short Death is sure. God love all of us no matter what we have done in the past. We must repent while we have life in our body,
Once that life is gone.
Hebrews 9:27 Man is appointed to die once, and after that to face judgment. It's very simple to me repent now it's so easy.,❤️❤️
My prayer is that this does not affend anyone.
I love you, just as Jesus loved us all. This next life we cannot die. It is truly worth investigating.
Read the Bible man can
Mislead us. The battle is for our souls.

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1 reply
maryruth7 | @maryruth7 | 1 day ago
In reply to @catartist "Ditto- at 78 and getting more crippled fast it now seems , don’t know how close..." + (show)
@catartist

Ditto- at 78 and getting more crippled fast it now seems , don’t know how close I am. But not afraid - tired of pain frankly but love being alive. My family finds my thoughts ‘morbid ‘ - not! Anyway - interesting topic

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My Mom is 90 years old, she don't have much conversation but she always saying keep it moving, These are words she says every day. KEEP IT MOVING
My words are dont forget God, I am not speaking of religion I speaking of a relationship with our Father in heaven I am speaking of spiritual matters. I am of
Speaking of reading the Bible Gods plan for us.
A future the bible says
1 Corinthians 2: 9 God has prepared for those who love him are beyond human imagination. ❤️
I pray this does not affend anyone. Just as we are born many dont understand why or how it is that they are here living. Is it so hard to believe That our maker has something even more grandeur than this life. Let us not wait until we leave the body,
Let us seek him while he may be find. Isaiah 55:6
I write this in ❤️ love,
The next life we cannot die, regardless of what we believe dont change
the strong possibility that these things may be true.

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