Stubborness & Resistance to Help

You might arrange a day bed downstairs.

I appreciate your response more than you know. I, too, feel everything you describe. I wish I could be like all those smiling women/men in pictures embracing their spouses with Altzheimers. Truth be known, I’d rather take a sledgehammer to him!
I have no clue how all this will end, but it’s definitely not going to end well for him and possibly for me either (by default). Yes, I do have my faith which stresses living by faith and not by sight. I freely admit it’s not an easy thing to do, but sometimes it’s all I have so I cling to it.
Drop me a line sometime so at least we can commiserate (ok…bitch) together.
This may not mean much to you but I’ll pray comfort and blessings for you at the same time I pray the same for me.
Please take care.

Bitch together is what I need too. I'm disgusted by those ads with smiling Alzheimer's sufferers and their even longer suffering caregivers, as if this were no more difficult than a trip to the dentist. Smiles all around. BTW I'm also annoyed by pharmaceutical ads that promise amazing results, then follow the pitch with an extensive list of terrible, possibly deadly, side effects. I've been wallowing in negativity today because I'm getting very tired of seeing my husband in the same clothes every single day. His jeans are tattered and ripped in several places, his shoes are coming apart, his hair gets longer and longer and so does his beard. In short, he looks like a homeless person. I don't like being around other people if he's there because he embarrasses me with his endless repetitions of the same stories about his education (Stanford), his career (university reference librarian), and his passion for Ultimate frisbee. Our upstairs has hundreds (not kidding) of frisbees spread out all over the floor. He's sweet, affectionate, kind, generous, and a truly good person, and he's driving me absolutely crazy. I feel trapped by his dependency and annoyed by his incapacity, which I know is ungenerous of me but inescapable. The only thing that helps is venting to others about it, but there are very few I want to inflict that on. I have a close friend who will listen to everything. She went through something similar with her late husband so she understands. The folks here understand. For most of the people we know, our situation is as remote as the war in Sudan is to Americans. It's hard not to feel bleak while acting as if everything were normal. It's very hard to want this to end and to know what that will mean. Whatever happens, there won't be a happy ending. And now I have an aortic aneurysm so I hope I outlast my husband. If I don't, I can't imagine what would become of him. I wish I could be more encouraging, I really do, but sometimes reality is too much to ignore.

Similar to you, I'm bothered by my hubby's incessant recall of his childhood, family, friends - I know his stories better than he! I find listening to audiobooks helps get me out of the stark present and into a more entertaining world. And there are countless varieties of stories that actually interest me! It makes life more bearable.
Fortunately, my hubby still bathes, dresses himself, and even makes his own snacks and coffee. But all the household planning, driving, finances are up to me and it's daunting.
I'm also fortunate to have a son who although he lives halfway across the country, is willing to step in and help as needed.
Hang in there. That's all we can do.

All we can do. Indeed. My husband is still relatively independent. Relatively. He seems relieved for me to take over more and more. It gets so boring to keep saying, this is hard, this is hard. How can little things be so discouraging? For example, my husband bathes and brushes his teeth, drives, and manages the basement stairs to do the laundry, but his appearance gets worse by the day. Ripped, tattered jeans, old faded jacket, and, worst of all, very long hair and a very long beard that he refuses to trim. He looks like a homeless person or a deranged old man. When I suggest pants without gaping holes or a hair and beard trim, he says he likes everything that way, that people find it amusing. He has no idea what people are thinking about him, but for now his fellows at the coffee shop seem to be putting up with him. I want to stop complaining but writing on this site has become sort of an addiction for me. Maybe I need to take a break. Your audiobooks are a good escape. I read tons of books. That way I at least get a simulation of lived experience.

Why??? Does God allow our lives to become so hard and so sad? And YES I can ask that question. I AM a Christian and I still can ask that question. My heart actually aches for ya'll for the every day situations you have. For what it's worth you're in my prayers for God's grace for you to endure.

For those who live these lives, we see how caretaker fatigue can be so brutal. As things progressed, it became undeniable that our situation was not sustainable. That brings some peace. Working towards full time care by others seems like such a luxury, but it’s a necessity in our situation. On some level, I think my father realizes this. He’ll be 88 next week. Now, he resist bathing and shaving. Oddly, he will comb his hair when given a comb.

@trishaanderson my mom is stubborn as well but she doesn't apologize. She yells over you, walks out, accuses you of micromanaging her. Sounds like you have some cooperation and willingness to compromise. I think it's tricky and hard to know what battles to fight and which to let alone. For now, I'm tough on the risky things and things that threaten safety. Sometimes it's hard to know if you're making the right call.

@pamela78
I love your honesty and being real! I hear you and can empathize! We are all here for you to support you. Vent to your hearts content. You really need to. You are not alone.

I am in my 50s and have many health issues and can relate with being a burnt out caregiver. My mother in law had Alzheimer’s/high anxiety/OCD and I had to care for her while at the same time caring for my husband with ADHD/Autism/early onset Alzheimer’s/high anxiety/OCD (like his mom) and an infant/child at the time while working a demanding 60+ hour per week job. I am now divorced and a single parent of my teen son and disabled. I needed to save what little mental health I had left to care for my son (who has ADHD and learning differences) and my declining health. It became too much to bear. I became scared because I had no extended family to help and felt like I wanted to run away from life and jump off the nearest bridge. I knew my son needed me so that was something I would not/could not do so divorce was my only option to save my sanity. I still see my son’s father daily and we are fairly amicable but I now have better boundaries. Before divorce, I felt like I lost my oxygen mask and could not put mine on anymore to help anyone else but I needed to find it again to help my young son.

I am concerned about my son’s future and having to deal with his father’s mental decline. He has no family or friends and my son is too young to deal with his father’s decline. I hang on daily to God’s strength, grace and mercy and hope for the future. I trust him to get me through these storms and try to find simple joys daily and rest in His peace.

They say a trouble shared is a trouble halved. I'm, of course, sorry you have so very much to deal with. Honestly, I can't imagine what you're going through. I've had some hard years of poverty, two divorces, and the loss of family. When I was in my fifties, I thought life was bleak and I felt alone with all the challenges I had, but I had three kids and they got me through. Now I'm nearly 80 (quite shocking to me) and my life is immeasurably better. My husband has Alzheimer's and I get very frustrated but he's sweet and helpful and I know he's doing his best. My children are all grown and I have two wonderful grandsons. These are the good things. There's still plenty to worry about and agonize over, but that's not appropriate to go into here. Alzheimer's and ascending aortic aneurysm (I have the aneurysm) are preoccupations. This group is indispensable and I love the fact that we can share our deepest thoughts, fears, and anxieties without restraint. It's better than therapy. My best wishes go out to you. I hope your life will ease up and you will find a place of happiness and peace.