I hate what I've become

Grieving your lost self is important to your healing. Let it all out, as you have done.

Then, in silence: SURRENDER to a loving God and follow the light. (I am more spiritual than religious; but at 80, I've found the light gets brighter as the years go by. God will not desert you ----ever! You are part of his/her beloved creation. Be at peace. Just be.

Shalom. Peace. The beauty of springtime is unfolding and so can your renewed spirit.

A bit more....Sometimes life can just overwhelm us. Believe me, you are not alone. Been there; done that. Surrendering all anxiety of mind and body to a loving God sets us free.

I am so sorry that you have had to endure so many operations in your life. Cannot imagine the pain that you are suffering. Have you thought of trying, Free Chair Yoga for Seniors. They have various age group levels, not just for old people like me. Wishing you a good day and sending a hug from Australia.

I'm so sorry. But you can't be blaming yourself. You are bringing in SSDI with your pain.
Please see someone in a pain clinic to get rid of as much of the pain as you can. It is best to go to a university pain clinic where usually you see more physicians and have more options. There a lots of minimally invasive procedures that can help. Try physical therapy. There are therapists who just massage for the entire time, it can make you feel better even if it doesn't last.
Mainly, though, you've been dealt some blows beyond your control. Even if the care from those around you is a bit humiliating, it can be heartwarming. You are loved and valued.

My son educated me on the medical benefits of marijuana. Cancer patients will use it to relieve severe pain. I have used it a couple of times because my arthritis is so bad. And it did work. I felt awesome, but I’m bipolar too and it throws me into a manic state so I can’t use it for pain, but it may be an option for you. You can smoke it vape it or take Gummies but the problem with the gummy’s is that you take it and four hours later you don’t have relief so you take more And then by that time you have taken too much. So I would recommend vaping. It’s easier to handle and control the dosage. I would get the marijuana that includes the CBD. This is not an opiate, but it greatly helped with pain.

This is all true but unfortunately one of the side effects of marijuana for many people is a large increase in appetite. I lost 50 pounds during cancer treatment because food just repulsed me but when I used gummies for pain control everything tasted great.

@mrmacabre
I can totally relate with how you feel. I am like 30%-40% of my former self. There was a time I felt I was only 5%-10% my former self (after losing my job at 54, health problems/chronic pain for 10+ years, multiple surgeries, I’m a single parent, no family, etc.). I became so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed or off the couch for over a year. It was really hard to function and it is really hard to accept when you used to be so independent and productive.

I am also now on SSDI but it doesn’t cover much due to the high cost of healthcare and most everything has increased substantially.

What I have had to do is find medication that helped me with depression so I can function enough to take care of my teen son and my pets. I am all my son has to rely on which has pushed me when I wanted to give up.

My life has changed dramatically and I can no longer do what I used to do. Gradually, I have started to accept my new reality but it has been hard. Each day, I try to prioritize and use my energy for the most important things first. Today, for example, I need to run errands and I dread it because it is so hard for me physically. I never have any energy to get much done and I am weak and afraid to fall often due to my cervical myelopathy (I seem to easily hurt my joints, like elbow, shoulder, fingers, etc. because of weakness and lack of control of movements).

Have you tried taking antidepressants for chronic pain and had counseling to help you talk about your struggles with someone other than family?

I have another spine surgery next month I wish I didn’t need but need to get my spinal cord decompressed or my symptoms will get worse. By the end of this year, I will have had 7 surgeries in 4 years and I’m sure I’ll need more in the future. I am 55 and my body feels 75-85. I need to be here for my son and would like to be a grandmother someday but not sure how much I will be able to do with them due to my declining health. My faith is what gives me daily hope and my value. My body may be failing me but my heart and soul is strong and I am able to still love and learn. You still matter and are loved and valued for just being you.

My friend, I am feeling you !! Your words are living. May I tell you what has help me. In this life, I have been abused, without, in pain,
living in loneliness, Almost died three times.
What brought me through it all is I never forgot one day I will die,
I want the next life to be better than this one. Because this one has been like H... Anyway prayer and reading my Bible has given me hope,healing, deeper understanding of that there is something more than what we see, feel and experience in this life. I able to keeping moving🙂

Thank you for your response, I've been taking 2 anti depressants for several years now, and have had counseling as well to help me deal with the situation as well. At one point I was extremely suicidal and needed help, luckily my wife and family were there to help.
Most days I feel like I'm 86, not 66 years old. My body began to break down at the age of 56, and I couldn't do my job any longer. My wife and kids kept telling me that I needed to retire and just walk away from my job after being there for almost 17 years, but I refused to do it.
It basically took an intervention with my wife, our son and daughter, and their spouses in our garage to convince me that I couldn't do it any more. This meant having to sell our home so we wouldn't lose it, and we had to move in with our son and his family until we could afford to rent a place of our own, which took 2 years.
I will always consider myself a failure for letting this happen to me. I'm supposed to work to support my family, not sit in the house every day, and continue to work until our house would have been paid off. But it didn't happen.
Now, my wife and I are the "poor" part of our family, we struggle to pay the rent and our bills every month. The one thing that every parent wants for their own kids is for them to be better off than they were as adults, and both of our kids have definitely done so.
Our son and our son in law started an IT company almost 20 years ago, and they have done very well. So well in fact, that our son sold his part of the company back to the other investors and walked away with a nice pay day. He just got burned out by the hours it required. Now he's working closer to home doing 2 jobs that he's wanted to do and is doing very well.
Our son in law runs the business now, and it continues to grow and be more successful, so our daughter is able to be a stay at home mom, a rare thing nowadays. They go to Hawaii at least once a year, Arizona a couple of times a year(all during our PNW winters), they just got back from Louisiana to visit family, and this Summer, they're taking the kids to DC.
The last time my wife and I were able to take any kind of a vacation of our own was in 2019, and it was a 4 hour driving trip to the Long Beach Peninsula/Oregon Coast.
After my older sister died in 2020, my youngest sister decided she was done with the PNW, and ended up moving to Bluffton, SC. a couple of years ago. My other sister and her husband sold their house South of us and bought one just a few minutes West of our place. Then they went to SC and bought a second house on the East coast very close to my youngest sister. It must be nice to have the fucking money to buy 2 houses when we can barely pay our rent most of the time.
Everyone in my family is moving forward and taking trips, and talking about future vacations when we have family gatherings, and all I can do is sit there and not say anything because we have zero chance of doing anything that they're talking about. We're supposed to be happy and excited for them according to my wife, but all it does is reinforce my belief in how badly I fucked up our future when I walked away from my job 10 years ago.
When our lease is over in 2 years, we have no idea where we'll end up living, probably in some shit hole apartment complex without a garage or any storage, or any kind of a yard/garden for my wife, all thanks to me.
I hate everything about our situation, but there isn't anything that's going to change it is there? And please don't bring god into this, the last thing I need or want is an imaginary friend, I'm a life long Atheist.

Most of us don't live our real lives. From the day we are born, we are told by others who we are and what this reality is. The ones who school us don't know what reality is, because they were indoctrinated by those who went before them. Reality is often joyous, but it also has sickness , impoverishment, pain, old age, and death. Western culture has Democracy, capitalism, Kohl's,
beer, fun, and football.
If we had known about the Realities of Life all along , we would have expected this at the end, and not be so shocked, sad, and angry.
I am not far from the end, and, although despondent at times thinking about the future, mostly I stay with gratitude for the whole enchilada-laughter, tears, chemo, the ocean, snow , sunshine, and sopa d'pesce.