How hard is living with a toxic parent ??

My mom "used" to be my hero..my role model ,my pillar of strength but she has now turned into someone i hate to love ,i grew up thinking a mother has to be a girl child's best friend someone she could open up to someone she could get advises from , someone who could have her back no matter what, someone who'll always be there but my mom is the opposite of all that ,my mom only has 2 kids my older brother and i ,which my brother is the favourite child because he's educated and im not i only finished my matric abd didn't get good marks which i would qualify to be a doctor too instead i gave up on my dreams because no one believed in me , everytime i get reminded of how proud she is of him and everyone in our community knows about the doctor "son" and she hardly even speaks of me and i don't blame her because im just a failure ,my mom often uses words like "im tired of hearing people talking about you, you're such an embarrassment you never do any good you always make mistakes and you're such a disappointment im even ashamed to call you my child ,i really don't know why I don't get used to her attitude because it's always been a thing i experience everyday ever since high school when i was 13 im now 21 but i still get so hurt and disappointed by her cold attitude towards me , sometimes i just wish i could get a job even if i was a cleaner just so i can go far away from her and start my own life and have my own home i really hate my mom she makes me go through hell and i hate it I've thought of commiting suicide so many times but one day i might just do it because im tired of crying the whole night im tired of being a burden im tired of being a disappointment and im tired of being shown that im not wanted im tired of being the black sheep in this family,im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to have a boyfriend and im not allowed to party or go out im so stuck and so lonely im so tired i just want to die