Aging Alone—Finding Strength and Connection

My understanding is that you can choose death if you have six months or less to live. A doctor has to say so. I think at 6 months away, i would be awfully hard to travel to Oregon or California...say, if you had cancer, or challenges walking. I will soon turn 80 and I was widowed suddenly (my husband was killed in an accident at 68 two weeks before his retirement). I have days where I am very tired of living. I have doted on my grandson and helped him in many ways, but at 16, he is more interested his computer than me. I haven't heard from my daughter in ten years (except one ugly note) and my son is usually "busy" I'm hanging on for my grandson as I'm the one who find enrichment programs and talks to him about his studies. I know he needs me to navigate through the pre-college applications and visits, but I'm sure tired. I don't know if I'll be here. If I am not, he may fall through the cracks on scholarships, etc. If it weren't for that, I'd have already gone to Switzerland to check out. 90% of my time is alone. My income barely suffices and I spend what I can on my grandson. This just isn't fun.

Returning to the original topic: Finding Strength and Connection

My life experience is: Just Keep Trying.
There's no perfect answer, and the conditions are always changing.
There are people out there.
Look for simple connections and nurture them gently when they occur.
Don't be overbearing, but don't turn away from people.
From this I've had wonderful experiences.

Even though your grandson is at an age where he can’t fully appreciate you or your efforts to assist him in having a rewarding and successful life, someday he will. You may not be around to witness it, but that’s okay. I know I wish I could go back in time and give my grandparents more attention than I did, but it doesn’t work that way. Keep up your good work!💌

@maggybird
Thank you for the honesty of your post. Please know that your vulnerability is not wasted.

First, your grandson is definitely at that age that he would be pre-occupied with a million things other than appreciating family. I look back now that I’m in my sixties, and realize how that was so very true of me! I care for my 93 year old father in my husband and I’s home and look back wondering if my mom (who was caregiver to her parents in our family home), faced similar challenges to the ones we face. I will never know, as she is now gone and I was just too pre-occupied back then to even notice! But you know, your grandson WILL (and at some level now even does) treasure the time and effort you make with him. You are an inspiration for all of us to keep working at fostering connections and feeding into others!

Second, condolences on your husband’s passing just shy of retirement. My brother (who had just turned sixty) died two weeks ago very unexpectedly—and it is surreal….
I am sad to hear that you spend so much time alone. Is there any way you could get out a bit—to church, a senior center (dad and I just toured one Friday and he is now interested in going—where for years he did not want to), the library, etc? (Preaching to myself now—as I become more and more isolated in being a caregiver.). And, I’ll just throw in, that our Lord loves and appreciates you and is always ready for fellowship time…..this is helping me a great deal right now! You are such a dedicated, loving person—thank you!

You are very kind. I'm wondering if I wrote that late at night when I couldn't sleep. I recognize it, but it's just a day later, and I'm in a better place. I appreciate your suggestions. I have planned to visit assisted or senior living facilities, but I have a very low house payment and I would like to pass my house along to my son, at least until I am forced to sell it to qualify for medicaid for nursing home if I have to.....I make a few dollars more than the medicaid allowance for Arkansas which is a very low income state. A friend had to move to Denver to qualify for a medicaid senior housing, because the income level is higher. I did get out more before arthritis made walking so painful. I still try to run one errand a day just to leave the house. I went to a senior enrichment class for a few years, too...but it started so early and with sleeping problems and digestive problems, I had to stick around the house early till I'm sure gut issues don't arise. (Sounds like excuses but this is what aging does). Morning church is not possible. I have gone to a Presbyterian Church book study group, but again, the arthritis pain in my hips sitting in a folding chair...even with a cushion became uncomfortable. This sounds so negative....but actually, my grandson called me this morning and asked if I wanted to go out to lunch or brunch. We did. He was so sweet....eating out costs me sometimes more than I need to spend and he doesn't realize that. But it was so worth being with him. So even though I am often as sad as I sounded in what I posted, a good morning like today makes it worthwhile. Because my son is going through his second divorce and is stuck in a house he hasn't been able to sell and isn't suitable for me, I am sticking here until something changes for him. We may have to combine homes (despite the fact I only have a 2 BR) One day at a time...sometime a good day and sometimes not so good. Thank you for your encouragement. Blessings to you for caring for your dad and condolences for the loss of your brother....TOO young. My son is 62, and I do worry about his health. Maggy

@maggybird
Maggy,
I am so glad to hear that a new day brought refreshment! And you are not being negative, I have seen first hand that the barriers to getting out and joining the day early and for as long as you would have once done, are very real and common for us as we age! It is hard to find as many offerings of fun and interesting things to do later in the day (but not too late!). Several times, I have thought that I had found activities my dad would enjoy, but they start way too early in the morning, across town (so add travel time in morning traffic)—frustrating. Our new library does have some great afternoon offerings though—that only last about an hour to an hour and a half each time, so that is great. I have a friend who lives part time here and part time in Italy. As she ages, she has been spending more time in Italy. In her village there, people grocery shop every day, walking to the market and stopping for coffee, etc, always chatting with people along the way. A slower pace where connection doesn’t have to always be scheduled and planned. Sounds so nice!

Hope you have a beautiful day today!

Oh, dear. How I envy you having a grandson.
I have no grandchildren & feel bad about it everyday.
I read a lot & volunteer but still miss my husband every day.
I think maybe there is something I am still meant to do, so I am hanging in there. Maybe your grandson is one of your
purposes...... & you have to look for others???
What happens in Switzerland? K

Yes, I know I am fortunate. At 16, he is less interested in hanging out with an 80 year old, but he does like to go out for lunch or dinner, so it gives me an occasional chance to have company to go out with. I understand about missing your husband. Mine has been gone for almost 14 years and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him. We were both introverts and we needed each other. I absolutely know that I've lasted this long because of his needs. In Switzerland, from what I read, you have three visits with a mental health person and each time you can talk about your decision. If and when you are ready, you are given a heavy sedative and have a quiet goodbye. Family is welcome to be with you. You don't have to have an illness, but they will do some talk therapy to be sure you are sure you want to end it.

Such a great post. Even if you have children and grandchildren, it doesn’t mean they will look after you. They all have their own lives and priorities. We’re blessed if we figure in that.

I’m so sad when some people try to guilt others into looking after them. There’s no obligation. It doesn’t work.

I chose not to marry or have kids. My choice. I had a wonderful fulfilling career and nieces who counted me as a second mum when they were growing up. I accepted I’d need to count on fending for myself when I retired. Stage 4 cancer at 58 led to an early retirement at 60.

I’ve knowingly accumulated financial resources to sustain me (if Trump’s tariffs and global down turn haven’t decimated them).

I haven’t counted on family help. Fortunately I’m still close to 2 of my 4 nieces and their husbands. They’ve been wonderful during my stage 4 cancer recovery. Yet it’s been my very close friends (6) who’ve been my main emotional support.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I do my best to keep fit and healthy. I am still - for now.

I truly dread becoming incapacitated and reliant on others. I know that will be a total game changer.

I love this post for raising and showing the possibilities. Thank you.

Beautiful inspiring spirit!