Coping with grief with Mom now in Memory Care

I felt very similar but I learned shortly after that it was the far better situation. In memory care it's not just 24/7 care, it's socialization, stimulation and activities that could not take place in your home (unless you have a lot of space and want other residents living with you). It's also far better equipped in case of an emergency. Plus I was able to visit 24/7, too. I met a lot of other resident's family members and developed friendships. In many respects it was like a resort, with an all day restaurant, workout room with all kinds of professional equipment, and lots of space, inside and out, for walking. So give it some time and see how it goes. If there are other places nearby you may want to visit them and maybe one will even provide better care.

I hope you’ll adjust and come to have peace with it. I’ve considered all kinds of options to keeping someone with advanced needs in the home and the costs are staggering. Three shifts of people with backups on call, plus insurance, taxes, home modifications…..it’s a lot of out of pocket costs. It’s also a lot of stress on the spouse who doesn’t have dementia. Living with the dementia behavior can take a toll on them too.

It sounds like you made a good decision in placing your mom at a place that can manage the level of care she needs. When I did that for a family member (cousin) a few years ago I was quite proud that I was able to do it. There is still much work to do and a lot of responsibilities for the adult child, with them being in memory care. But, it was more feasible, when I was able to get some sleep and focus more on her with renewed energy and cheerfulness. Whereas before, I was exhausted and stressed out trying to keep her safe and comfortable around the clock.

I wish I could say the same about placing my 64 yo husband into a dementia specialized facility. It is a new facility which i liked and the first few weeks seemed to be fine...other than the normal feelings and emotions we were experiencing. Now that MORE residents are moving in he's not adjusting very well. His behavior has gotten erratic and physical with other residents. LOTS of people...bright lights and TONS of noises. A UTI was ruled out for this behavior and we have an appt with his neurologist this afternoon to see if he needs another med to combat his combative behavior. Other residents have started altercations with him also. Too many people in other people's "bubbles" seems to be the norm from what I can see and I can only imagine it scares him, confuses him and he feels threatened and lashing out is the only way he knows to respond. I'm afraid for him AND the safety of other residents so I'm in the process of finding him another place to live, but that takes time, so I'm going to have to move him back home with me and find another in-home care provider. He does SO much better 1 on 1 and is so much calmer. He also has severe aphasia so communicating is very difficult for both him and caregivers. So not sure if he's in pain or hungry or cold, etc. I sure hope his dr. has an answer for me. Oh yah, they don't seem to concerned about getting him involved in activities...if they come to the activity room on their own, then I guess everything is ok. I'm glad this was a good move for you in your journey
Strength, Peace and Love

Thank you, Robert.
I understand that it's going to take time and I trust that I will start to feel a sense of relief.
It's still heartbreaking to see her teary-eyed and asking to go home. I worry non-stop about her falling and feeling lonely. She was crying when I left her today as she started to eat dinner. It sucks. I'm trying to meet as many of the caregivers as possible so they get to know her, and understand her needs and my expectations. She's sweet and vulnerable and very lovable.

You're welcome. I felt total relief within a week. Still, when I walked out the doors to go home I did feel different degrees of sadness every time. I also saw other family members feel the same way.

Many of the residents I would see around the memory care facility were socializing (like in the tv room, on the porch and in the hallways) and they (90% women ages 80 to 95) almost all were having a good time. In fact some days it was like a block party with residents, aides and family members all mingling. So maybe your mother will find some sweet friends just like her there.

Hi @bayviewgal,
I guess it's not possible for the facility to create a quieter secluded area where residents like your husband can be more at ease. Is there a patient liaison manager with whom you can raise the issue?
My husband has moderate Alzheimer's. He's still at home. He is generally very compliant, but he has had strong adverse reactions, almost violent, to two friends who have visited and talked non-stop. When they were here, he told me he hates them and to get rid of them. Last time, I was afraid he would get violent. I won't be inviting them over anymore. I think he feels powerless when their nonstop talking drowns him.
When my dad went into a care home, he was mobile and started hitting other residents when he walked. So my mom hired an attendant who stayed with him during the day and prevented him from hitting other residents. My dad lost his ability to walk a few months later so, sadly, the problem resolved. At the same time, it was a relief.
I've been reading about Hale Ku'ike's approach to Memory Care (here in Hawaii). They were the nation's first designated "Positive Approach to Care", PAC, which is an individualized approach. Maybe there are some facilities like that near you.
With the experience you've had you can focus on what you need in a new facility if the current one can't create a safe environment for your husband and others like him.
Is your husband able to write and communicate with a small whiteboard or chalkboard?
I wish you the best with this the most difficult of tasks.