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Difficulty after divorce

Posted by Barb @amberpep, Nov 6, 2016

I am going to make this as brief as I can and eliminate some things just in case someone I know sees it. I have been divorced for 12 years, after a 40 year marriage and 3 kids. At the time, I had a large inheritance from a family member, so I did not ask that he pay me anything each month ... I didn't feel I needed it and it would just be greedy. My lawyer disagreed. Well, I got a Fin. Plnr. who was a small-town version of Bernie Madolff, and I plus many, many, others lost at least 3/4 or more of what we had ... we have no recourse. Here I am, pinching every penny, counting every cent, not going anywhere, while he is taking big trips and has built a huge house for himself. I was trying to be considerate when I asked for nothing at the divorce ... now it smacks me in the face. I wrote him and asked him if he would consider pitching in some money each month to make things a bit easier for me. He knows I'm struggling. I have not heard anything, and I have a sense I won't. He has NPD and it's all about him. I'm soon to be 72, looking for a job, but it's not easy finding something at this age (they say they don't discriminate .... that's a lot of malarky!). I have moved here to be closer to my kids, but still own a home in another state. If I don't get any help from him, I'll just have to move back ... I can't deal with 2 places even though the other is rented. I can't sell the other one due to the crash of 2008 and now I owe what it would sell for, so I would make nothing from it.
Just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.
abby

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Nov 7, 2016

@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you can become more comfortable in your situation financially. Have you thought about a home business? I don't know what kind of work you did in the past but maybe there is some way that you can use your skills and abilities to start a home business. Think about it and talk to some career people who might be able to guide you. Best wishes as you plan for the future. Also, I'm assuming that since you were married a long time that you have applied to Social Security for your share of his benefits? If not, please go visit them.

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2 replies
Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Nov 7, 2016
In reply to @hopeful33250 "@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you..." + (show)
@hopeful33250

@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you can become more comfortable in your situation financially. Have you thought about a home business? I don't know what kind of work you did in the past but maybe there is some way that you can use your skills and abilities to start a home business. Think about it and talk to some career people who might be able to guide you. Best wishes as you plan for the future. Also, I'm assuming that since you were married a long time that you have applied to Social Security for your share of his benefits? If not, please go visit them.

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I think it is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 7, 2016
In reply to @hopeful33250 "@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you..." + (show)
@hopeful33250

@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you can become more comfortable in your situation financially. Have you thought about a home business? I don't know what kind of work you did in the past but maybe there is some way that you can use your skills and abilities to start a home business. Think about it and talk to some career people who might be able to guide you. Best wishes as you plan for the future. Also, I'm assuming that since you were married a long time that you have applied to Social Security for your share of his benefits? If not, please go visit them.

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Hi ... yes, NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am getting part of his S.S. now. I wrote to him the other night and asked if he would be willing to help me out a bit ..... long story short ..... NO. So, I'm going to fill out an application at WalMart up the road, and work til I've earned $11,000 which is what it cost me to move here; then I'm moving back to my condo in MD. After the things he said in the letter, there's no way I can be around him for family functons. Somehow I thought at almost 72 things would be calmer ... guess not.
abby

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Barb | @amberpep | Nov 7, 2016

I just contacted a Debt Consolidation Company and I'm going to work through them to get the 2 credit cards cleaned up. I guess I'm taking a chance, but I've heard other people that have used them and it's worked out. Other than those 2 I don't owe anyone anything except my mortgage on my condo, which is relatively low comparatively, and if I'm living there I won't be paying rent here. I've had a very hard time adjusting to this move ... after 30+ years in the same town, it's not easy to just pick up and go, and especially to a place as different as this one is. My girls are going to be very upset, but I'm not going to move back til Spring, when the danger of snow is gone, and when the cc's are both paid off. I just don't think I can stay down here .... especially with the way my X still is behaving toward me. What's the point?
abby

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1 reply
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Nov 8, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "I just contacted a Debt Consolidation Company and I'm going to work through them to get..." + (show)
@amberpep

I just contacted a Debt Consolidation Company and I'm going to work through them to get the 2 credit cards cleaned up. I guess I'm taking a chance, but I've heard other people that have used them and it's worked out. Other than those 2 I don't owe anyone anything except my mortgage on my condo, which is relatively low comparatively, and if I'm living there I won't be paying rent here. I've had a very hard time adjusting to this move ... after 30+ years in the same town, it's not easy to just pick up and go, and especially to a place as different as this one is. My girls are going to be very upset, but I'm not going to move back til Spring, when the danger of snow is gone, and when the cc's are both paid off. I just don't think I can stay down here .... especially with the way my X still is behaving toward me. What's the point?
abby

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@amberpep Hi Abby: Being proactive and initiating change is a good way to take care of yourself. Best wishes!

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 8, 2016

Thanks Teresa .... my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me to tell them I'm going back to MD. They love having me here and I thoroughly enjoy them. But, I just do not like it down here .... plus the fact that my X is being nasty again, so now what happens with the holidays? He won't alternate with me ... oh no, never ... he's a narcassist and he "has every right to be there." I'm tired, depressed and my IBS is really acting up. This is just not worth it.
abby

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2 replies
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Nov 9, 2016

@amberpep Hi Abby: Yes, the holidays are difficult when there is family division. I hope that you can plan your own holiday tradition that will create peace and happiness for yourself. Perhaps you can talk with your girls and see if there is a way that you can celebrate the holidays with them without the stress of their father. Keep in touch.

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3 replies
safetyshield | @safetyshield | Nov 10, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Thanks Teresa .... my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me..." + (show)
@amberpep

Thanks Teresa .... my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me to tell them I'm going back to MD. They love having me here and I thoroughly enjoy them. But, I just do not like it down here .... plus the fact that my X is being nasty again, so now what happens with the holidays? He won't alternate with me ... oh no, never ... he's a narcassist and he "has every right to be there." I'm tired, depressed and my IBS is really acting up. This is just not worth it.
abby

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amberpep see if you can get an allie that can talk to your X. sometimes an intermediator can get somethings accomplished because he or she is not a threat to your X. I am not a lawyer but I know when I have to confront difficult people a third party present can reduce the anxieties and will allow for a solution to be gotten and sometimes if your X has an ego a third party can stroke him without him feeling he gave in. Think about it. Just keep your eye on the goal of getting to see your children for the holidays etc. Good Luck

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Nov 10, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Thanks Teresa .... my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me..." + (show)
@amberpep

Thanks Teresa .... my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me to tell them I'm going back to MD. They love having me here and I thoroughly enjoy them. But, I just do not like it down here .... plus the fact that my X is being nasty again, so now what happens with the holidays? He won't alternate with me ... oh no, never ... he's a narcassist and he "has every right to be there." I'm tired, depressed and my IBS is really acting up. This is just not worth it.
abby

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@safetyshield What a great idea! Thanks for that suggestion.

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 10, 2016
In reply to @hopeful33250 "@amberpep Hi Abby: Yes, the holidays are difficult when there is family division. I hope that..." + (show)
@hopeful33250

@amberpep Hi Abby: Yes, the holidays are difficult when there is family division. I hope that you can plan your own holiday tradition that will create peace and happiness for yourself. Perhaps you can talk with your girls and see if there is a way that you can celebrate the holidays with them without the stress of their father. Keep in touch.

Jump to this post

Hi all .... well I got a reply back from my X and he just poured it on, and then gave me "the lecture" about all sorts of things. He didn't have a crooked F.P. in his life so he's living great. But, no ... he can't help out each month, and "am I trying to make him feel guilty because I gave up the alimony?" No, but the point is I need something now. Anyhow, after some back and forth-ing, it ended on a sour note. I'm going to contact my attorney via e-mail and see if there is any possibility of this case being re-opened since my financial situation has changed drastically. I hate to even think about that, but he's not giving me any choice. My lawyer told me when we were going through this first time around that after 40 years - staying home 30+ of those years to raise the kids, I could take him for all he had. I was not about to do that, but now I wish I had followed her advice and not been so "nice" about not having him pay any alimony.
I really wish I'd have never moved down here. The only plus is I see my girls about once a week ... otherwise, NADA.
abby

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