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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

Difficulty after divorce

Posted by @amberpep, Nov 6, 2016

I am going to make this as brief as I can and eliminate some things just in case someone I know sees it. I have been divorced for 12 years, after a 40 year marriage and 3 kids. At the time, I had a large inheritance from a family member, so I did not ask that he pay me anything each month … I didn’t feel I needed it and it would just be greedy. My lawyer disagreed. Well, I got a Fin. Plnr. who was a small-town version of Bernie Madolff, and I plus many, many, others lost at least 3/4 or more of what we had … we have no recourse. Here I am, pinching every penny, counting every cent, not going anywhere, while he is taking big trips and has built a huge house for himself. I was trying to be considerate when I asked for nothing at the divorce … now it smacks me in the face. I wrote him and asked him if he would consider pitching in some money each month to make things a bit easier for me. He knows I’m struggling. I have not heard anything, and I have a sense I won’t. He has NPD and it’s all about him. I’m soon to be 72, looking for a job, but it’s not easy finding something at this age (they say they don’t discriminate …. that’s a lot of malarky!). I have moved here to be closer to my kids, but still own a home in another state. If I don’t get any help from him, I’ll just have to move back … I can’t deal with 2 places even though the other is rented. I can’t sell the other one due to the crash of 2008 and now I owe what it would sell for, so I would make nothing from it.
Just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.
abby

REPLY

@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you can become more comfortable in your situation financially. Have you thought about a home business? I don’t know what kind of work you did in the past but maybe there is some way that you can use your skills and abilities to start a home business. Think about it and talk to some career people who might be able to guide you. Best wishes as you plan for the future. Also, I’m assuming that since you were married a long time that you have applied to Social Security for your share of his benefits? If not, please go visit them.

@hopeful33250

@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you can become more comfortable in your situation financially. Have you thought about a home business? I don’t know what kind of work you did in the past but maybe there is some way that you can use your skills and abilities to start a home business. Think about it and talk to some career people who might be able to guide you. Best wishes as you plan for the future. Also, I’m assuming that since you were married a long time that you have applied to Social Security for your share of his benefits? If not, please go visit them.

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I think it is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

@hopeful33250

@amberprep I know that divorce is hard (personal experience). What is an NPD? I hope you can become more comfortable in your situation financially. Have you thought about a home business? I don’t know what kind of work you did in the past but maybe there is some way that you can use your skills and abilities to start a home business. Think about it and talk to some career people who might be able to guide you. Best wishes as you plan for the future. Also, I’m assuming that since you were married a long time that you have applied to Social Security for your share of his benefits? If not, please go visit them.

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Hi … yes, NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am getting part of his S.S. now. I wrote to him the other night and asked if he would be willing to help me out a bit ….. long story short ….. NO. So, I’m going to fill out an application at WalMart up the road, and work til I’ve earned $11,000 which is what it cost me to move here; then I’m moving back to my condo in MD. After the things he said in the letter, there’s no way I can be around him for family functons. Somehow I thought at almost 72 things would be calmer … guess not.
abby

I just contacted a Debt Consolidation Company and I’m going to work through them to get the 2 credit cards cleaned up. I guess I’m taking a chance, but I’ve heard other people that have used them and it’s worked out. Other than those 2 I don’t owe anyone anything except my mortgage on my condo, which is relatively low comparatively, and if I’m living there I won’t be paying rent here. I’ve had a very hard time adjusting to this move … after 30+ years in the same town, it’s not easy to just pick up and go, and especially to a place as different as this one is. My girls are going to be very upset, but I’m not going to move back til Spring, when the danger of snow is gone, and when the cc’s are both paid off. I just don’t think I can stay down here …. especially with the way my X still is behaving toward me. What’s the point?
abby

@amberpep

I just contacted a Debt Consolidation Company and I’m going to work through them to get the 2 credit cards cleaned up. I guess I’m taking a chance, but I’ve heard other people that have used them and it’s worked out. Other than those 2 I don’t owe anyone anything except my mortgage on my condo, which is relatively low comparatively, and if I’m living there I won’t be paying rent here. I’ve had a very hard time adjusting to this move … after 30+ years in the same town, it’s not easy to just pick up and go, and especially to a place as different as this one is. My girls are going to be very upset, but I’m not going to move back til Spring, when the danger of snow is gone, and when the cc’s are both paid off. I just don’t think I can stay down here …. especially with the way my X still is behaving toward me. What’s the point?
abby

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@amberpep Hi Abby: Being proactive and initiating change is a good way to take care of yourself. Best wishes!

Thanks Teresa …. my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me to tell them I’m going back to MD. They love having me here and I thoroughly enjoy them. But, I just do not like it down here …. plus the fact that my X is being nasty again, so now what happens with the holidays? He won’t alternate with me … oh no, never … he’s a narcassist and he “has every right to be there.” I’m tired, depressed and my IBS is really acting up. This is just not worth it.
abby

@amberpep Hi Abby: Yes, the holidays are difficult when there is family division. I hope that you can plan your own holiday tradition that will create peace and happiness for yourself. Perhaps you can talk with your girls and see if there is a way that you can celebrate the holidays with them without the stress of their father. Keep in touch.

Liked by safetyshield

@amberpep

Thanks Teresa …. my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me to tell them I’m going back to MD. They love having me here and I thoroughly enjoy them. But, I just do not like it down here …. plus the fact that my X is being nasty again, so now what happens with the holidays? He won’t alternate with me … oh no, never … he’s a narcassist and he “has every right to be there.” I’m tired, depressed and my IBS is really acting up. This is just not worth it.
abby

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amberpep see if you can get an allie that can talk to your X. sometimes an intermediator can get somethings accomplished because he or she is not a threat to your X. I am not a lawyer but I know when I have to confront difficult people a third party present can reduce the anxieties and will allow for a solution to be gotten and sometimes if your X has an ego a third party can stroke him without him feeling he gave in. Think about it. Just keep your eye on the goal of getting to see your children for the holidays etc. Good Luck

@amberpep

Thanks Teresa …. my girls are going to be upset when the time comes for me to tell them I’m going back to MD. They love having me here and I thoroughly enjoy them. But, I just do not like it down here …. plus the fact that my X is being nasty again, so now what happens with the holidays? He won’t alternate with me … oh no, never … he’s a narcassist and he “has every right to be there.” I’m tired, depressed and my IBS is really acting up. This is just not worth it.
abby

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@safetyshield What a great idea! Thanks for that suggestion.

@hopeful33250

@amberpep Hi Abby: Yes, the holidays are difficult when there is family division. I hope that you can plan your own holiday tradition that will create peace and happiness for yourself. Perhaps you can talk with your girls and see if there is a way that you can celebrate the holidays with them without the stress of their father. Keep in touch.

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Hi all …. well I got a reply back from my X and he just poured it on, and then gave me “the lecture” about all sorts of things. He didn’t have a crooked F.P. in his life so he’s living great. But, no … he can’t help out each month, and “am I trying to make him feel guilty because I gave up the alimony?” No, but the point is I need something now. Anyhow, after some back and forth-ing, it ended on a sour note. I’m going to contact my attorney via e-mail and see if there is any possibility of this case being re-opened since my financial situation has changed drastically. I hate to even think about that, but he’s not giving me any choice. My lawyer told me when we were going through this first time around that after 40 years – staying home 30+ of those years to raise the kids, I could take him for all he had. I was not about to do that, but now I wish I had followed her advice and not been so “nice” about not having him pay any alimony.
I really wish I’d have never moved down here. The only plus is I see my girls about once a week … otherwise, NADA.
abby

@hopeful33250

@amberpep Hi Abby: Yes, the holidays are difficult when there is family division. I hope that you can plan your own holiday tradition that will create peace and happiness for yourself. Perhaps you can talk with your girls and see if there is a way that you can celebrate the holidays with them without the stress of their father. Keep in touch.

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amberpep personally I have been in situations where my alternative were do nothing and ignore the attacks of others or respond and defend myself. I have found more times than not ignoring a bad situation hoping it will just turn out ok or for the better never worked for me. So for better or worse and knowing that a fight will happen and I will be way out of my comfort zone, One way or another I got prevailed. So I do understand your wish not to make waves in the past. And how did it work out for you? So go forward and get your needs met. it might be a painful process but in the end I think it will be good for you. Again good luck

@hopeful33250

@amberpep Hi Abby: Yes, the holidays are difficult when there is family division. I hope that you can plan your own holiday tradition that will create peace and happiness for yourself. Perhaps you can talk with your girls and see if there is a way that you can celebrate the holidays with them without the stress of their father. Keep in touch.

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Thank you safetyshield for your input. Yes, I have to pick my battles, that’s for sure. I got my divorce papers out and am plodding through them to see if it says anything relative to this …. probably not, but you never know. If this should get re-opened, the whole family would be down my throat ….. not that I have much family … just me, my 3 kids, and 2 of them are married – one with 2 kids ….. otherwise, I was an only child, parents are dead as is everyone else. I may have said this before, but I got into a debt consolidation program where I pay a certain much smaller amount, once a month, and somehow they work it out with the creditors to get agreement. I would imagine they’re pretty busy right now with the economy the way it is. I know a lot of women primarily who are in the same situation. One lady I’ve come to know is moving in with her son. We’re all in our 60’s or 70’s and I don’t think any of us thought this is how life would be at this point.
abby

Liked by safetyshield

No body does

Morning everyone …. well, my oldest daughter and I went looking at apartments yesterday again – all too expensive – but on Monday we have an appointment to look at some which are more reasonable. As much as I would love to go back to MD, it would be like a slap in the face to my kids … as if I were saying, I’ll choose where I want to live over living near you ….. that is just nasty and not me at all; and they have been so sweet to me and helpful. I couldn’t ask for 3 better kids …. my son is in Alexandria, VA that’s why I don’t see him too much. I just can’t pick up and move back …. I think they’d be really disappointed and I can’t do that to them.
abby

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