My wife suddenly died next to me after 40 WONDERFUL years of marriage

Posted by dennismm @dennismm, Mar 26 7:24pm

I was married for 40 spectacular years. She died next to me in bed almost instantly having an MI ( heart attack) in bd next to me. I still cry every single day. My two sons said that their mm and I were closer that they have ever known. Needless to say, it was like a ton to f bricks hitting me in the head!! Psychiatrist prescribed four anti-depressants to take at bedtime. My medication list looks like an old inventory of Walgreens. I tried dating 3x but none of them worked out. I paid for three expensive dinners and it was a waste of money. Yup , heart my SS. My sone who is an Alzheimer’s and Dementia expert told me I should have gone to three coffee shops, but it felt cheap doing it that way. After dinner two of them just got up and went to their cars, and the third at least said thank you and good bye. Hey, I am no Brad Pitt but I am no Quasimodo either. So now I don’t know where to turn. I hardly ever see or talk to my sons since they are both very busy! I told one of my daughters-in-laws that I was upset about losing my wife. Her immediate response was “You know your son lost a mother and you forget that!” What, anyway just needed to talk to someone and let it out. Yes, had a therapist but it was a waste of time! Both my sons said I am too trusting and too giving. Is that a fault ? Not to me.
Anyway, that is my story and I’m tired of taking all those meds. Physician said don’t stop taking them. I’ll see how it goes from here on. No more dating for me. It wasn’t the money I spent, it was the hurt of hate three women just walk away from me. So now, time will tell!!

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@dennismm - I am not sure how long it has been since your wife passed away. It could be you are displaying a huge amount of grief. My wife and I were married for 52 years when she passed away at our home in the middle of the night unexpectedly only six weeks ago. She passed away due to heart failure. I did join an in-person support group, and our first meeting was today which I found helpful to be able to discuss the challenges with others going through the same as me. None of this is easy. The shock lasted with me for a month. I would absolutely suggest fining a support group or a grief counselor. Best to you and take care of yourself.

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@mrmacabre

My wife and I are going on towards 43 years of marriage, and I honestly don't know how I'd react if she suddenly died. I do know one thing though, I wouldn't ever contemplate dating anyone ever again, at my age(66), what would be the point? But that's just me.
I'd have to deal with the loss, and learn to live alone. We have 2 kids with families of their own, and 4 grandkids who all live within an hour's drive, so I wouldn't always be alone.
Do you have any grandkids? If you feel like you're struggling, talk to your sons.

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I understand your feelings and encourage you to keep talking. I married my husband when I was 45 ..my first marriage. I had a lot of severe trauma as a teenager and young adult. I lost my only child to forced adoption. I am happy for you that you have kids and grandkids...I'm sure you cherish them. However much you care for each other, that does not take away the pain of the loss of your spouse. I had 26 marvelous years with my husband..every day was like a miracle.
It's been 3 years and I still cry every day. His clothes
and tools and guitar still remain in their place. I can't let them go. You are not alone in your grief. Allow yourself to cry and talk as much as you need to. Only You will know when you are ready to move forward. I sen d you air hugs. If ever I had the opportunity to have coffee with you, I would not walk away from you.

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@berymer

I understand your feelings and encourage you to keep talking. I married my husband when I was 45 ..my first marriage. I had a lot of severe trauma as a teenager and young adult. I lost my only child to forced adoption. I am happy for you that you have kids and grandkids...I'm sure you cherish them. However much you care for each other, that does not take away the pain of the loss of your spouse. I had 26 marvelous years with my husband..every day was like a miracle.
It's been 3 years and I still cry every day. His clothes
and tools and guitar still remain in their place. I can't let them go. You are not alone in your grief. Allow yourself to cry and talk as much as you need to. Only You will know when you are ready to move forward. I sen d you air hugs. If ever I had the opportunity to have coffee with you, I would not walk away from you.

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I greatly appreciate your comments. I don’t know if the full group can read this, but I APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE TYPOS! I was responding on my IPhone, however I was unable to edit my response!

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@njed

@dennismm - I am not sure how long it has been since your wife passed away. It could be you are displaying a huge amount of grief. My wife and I were married for 52 years when she passed away at our home in the middle of the night unexpectedly only six weeks ago. She passed away due to heart failure. I did join an in-person support group, and our first meeting was today which I found helpful to be able to discuss the challenges with others going through the same as me. None of this is easy. The shock lasted with me for a month. I would absolutely suggest fining a support group or a grief counselor. Best to you and take care of yourself.

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Wow, I thought. I had it bad losing her after 40 years, but you were 52!!
That is even worse and believe me, I feel your pain and know what you are going through. My wife died in 2015 but it doesn’t seem that long ago. I remember exactly what happened when the paramedics showed up.
I tried the group therapy and one on one therapy but it didn’t help me. I’m very happy if it helped you!!

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@roch

@dennismm

It must be tough after 40 years of marriage. As someone else asked, how long since she died? Just wondering if you have given yourself enough time to grief before trying to starting a new relationship. As your son suggested, meet for coffee or lunch instead of trying to impress with expensive meal.

Many communities have grief support groups, have you checked them out?

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To be honest with you, she passed away in 2015 but it still seems like last year. I am too old for the dating scene so I have given that up. Thanks for listening, it was very nice of you to respond.

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@mrmacabre

My wife and I are going on towards 43 years of marriage, and I honestly don't know how I'd react if she suddenly died. I do know one thing though, I wouldn't ever contemplate dating anyone ever again, at my age(66), what would be the point? But that's just me.
I'd have to deal with the loss, and learn to live alone. We have 2 kids with families of their own, and 4 grandkids who all live within an hour's drive, so I wouldn't always be alone.
Do you have any grandkids? If you feel like you're struggling, talk to your sons.

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You are 63 and said you won’t date any more. I am 78 and feel the same way. I have two sons but almost never see them. One 43, calls me occasionally driving home from work. The 41 year old I never hear from. Let me tell you, it HURTS! I almost never see my grandkids unless it’s a birthday party. People ask me why I’m still wearing my wedding ring? My reply is that when I married my wife I married for life!

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Thanks for your response, however I lost my wife, not another man.

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@shmerdloff

Not a day goes by that I don't think about if what happened to you happens to me. We are going on 52 years with many challenges in growing up ourselves and raising kids. Now, it is heaven. If she passes, I must stay with gratitude for the amazing gift I was given.
My, and your, measure of grief, is the pain you have allowed her to avoid. It certainly was not purposeful, but I wouldn't want her to suffer what I (you) are suffering now. We are each other's life, and I wouldn't want her going day to day in this kind of anxiety and grief if I passed first.
Dating? It's useless and hurtful in most circumstances. No one will ever "get" me like she does. No one will ever tolerate my cornyness or philosophizing like she does. My kids and grands will be devastated and supportive, but I will try and comfort them. I won't give them an extra burden of "What are we gonna do about Dad?"
Once someone is hete, they are never gone. Only their body, which dutifully contained their spirit and soul has worn out. You can still be with her spirit and soul every day. In parts of every day, keep doing what you did with her on tribute.
Many on these conversations talk about years and years of suffering and financial destruction with illness. It is said that a person who goes suddenly is spared illness because they lived a good and spiritual life.
This is a difficult one: Look inside yourself for who you are and genuinely always were. Who was it that she loved? You. Lucky you. Looking outside will wear you out and at the end, no one can really save you, although authentic religious devotion may come close, or even succeed.
I feel your loss. I hope I can take my own advice when the future is now.

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Very strong reactions. Religion, tutoring, grief counseling never helped me. I will never find another woman like my wife, so why should I be delusional and date? Thanks for kind words. PS I never removed my wedding ring.

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@seapen

Posting on this site was a very smart thing to do. There are a lot of caring people here. Keep posting because support is here. I think the suggestions of doing a hobby is a good one. If it involves other people, that is even better. Take some time outside every day. Listen to the singing birds. Nature can be very healing.

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Great comments, however I will never date again. As far as hobbies, I was elected to the board of directors of my condo association and luckily that keeps me busy which is what I want!

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@roch

@dennismm

It must be tough after 40 years of marriage. As someone else asked, how long since she died? Just wondering if you have given yourself enough time to grief before trying to starting a new relationship. As your son suggested, meet for coffee or lunch instead of trying to impress with expensive meal.

Many communities have grief support groups, have you checked them out?

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My wife passed away in 2015 but it seems like last year. I tried dating but it was a horrible experience, never again!

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