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Sex out of marriage if wife is ill and cannot have sex
I am literally asking for a friend. Over 50 years ago a young guy and I had a loving relationship. It was a biracial one – he was black I am white. We had a son together who was placed for adoption. Both of us suffered greatly, both because of having to lose our son and not being able to be together. We both, after much therapy, were able to go on with our lives and have loving relationships and families. I lost my husband to cancer 16 years ago and have chosen not to be at any more relationships. He is still married and has been for 44 years, but his wife is now ill and unable to have sex. We recently have communicated because we both, individually, have been in contact with our now grown son. Even though the initial contact between the two of us was strictly platonic and only two communicate about her son, old feelings have surfaced and now he is faced with a situation of whether to be intimate with me. Our feelings for each other are very strong, and had society not made it so difficult for us back then, we would have married. But now he’s married to someone else but still has strong feelings for me. Obviously my feelings for him are just as strong. We are not interested in breaking up his marriage, but he’s in a stressful situation and have a sexual relationship would help reduce some of that stress. Right now he said he masturbates a lot. There’s still a lot of love between us, so it wouldn’t be a matter of him just having a sexual relationship to reduce stress; It’s a loving relationship. Both of us, however, are dealing with the infidelity part. Any comments would be appreciated.
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We’ll said. I can imagine that someone who is in that position may find it extremely difficult to honor their vows. True character does the difficult not the expedient.
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3 ReactionsCome with!
"True character does the difficult."
She's speaking about herself. In the past as a interracial couple a child was born and received pushback from family and they broke up. Years later they have reconnected.
I will stick to medical-only comments. However, perhaps you should speak with your pastor or a psychologist.
I've known a few people in this situation through lay counseling.
First, I would not judge any man who goes out for sex if his wife is unable to provide it. Celibacy is a tough nut that I think even most supposedly celibate religious folk don't do so well sticking with.
There's a difference in going out for sex and having an outside relationship. In my experience it's best if he limits it to just sex and the best way to do this is for it to be a paid transaction. I think most Americans will scream about this, but he's far more likely to remain a good husband if there is no emotion involved. And as much as we may not like it, this is the best outcome for his wife.
I've known numerous instances, including three where the wife had MS, of husbands having an outside affair and in all of these the result was divorce and in all but one an extremely difficult life for the wife.
For OP then, I think that if you care for this person then best to stay away because anything the two of you do is likely to become an emotional relationship and probably a strong one. And that is likely to destroy his relationship with his wife.
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There is a sort of exception that I've encountered twice. In both cases the wife was disabled, one with dementia and the other quadriplegic. In both cases the mistress moved in with the married couple, participated in all family stuff including helping with care for the disabled spouse, and the relationship, which was effectively polygynous, was open and honest among the three of them.
Always ask yourself, what would God say about your decision.
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2 ReactionsDear Ccohen1,
First, let me say how very sorry I am that you both lost not only your love, but your child to adoption. I further wanna extend my sympathies and condolences to you on your loss and to your longtime friend on his current circumstances.
As far as your answer to give it to you bluntly but not rudely
You are both adults and know what sex is worth.
Now if this bothers you in anyway
It could be that you would not approve of your husband doing it if you were sick. And you got your answer right there.
He is still technically a married man
Now don’t misunderstand me since we’re not talking to each other in person that might sound like I’m lecturing, but I’m not I’m just pointing out the facts in a very brief manner
If you go with your gut feeling, you should be ok. My question is are you willing to not have sex with him or is it fair to say you also want some too?
If you decide to do it, then that is your decision both of you
It’s not a fair question to ask because these circumstances are very rare.
What are the chances that you would run into him again while his wife was about to pass away? No pun intended, but once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you can’t go back. So this isn’t so much advice it’s me asking you instead of you asking me. Should you do it? I can’t answer that because I’m not in your shoes.