Support for caregivers: I feel helpless not being able to fix things

Iam new to this site... I just want to admit... I feel helpless.... we are 5 months in.... its very hard to see my once very strong, independent husband so fail and helpless... I try to be the strong one, but I dont exactly know how... he has ALWAYS been the strong one in our marriage of nearly 40 years.... I am scared to leave him out of my sight for one second... Iam screaming and crying inside, but try to not let him see me cry..... Can anyone give me some advice?

I'm sorry you and your husband have joined this club. It is sad and scary. My husband was white water kayaking and skiing and backpacking... often the strongest in our group... and now can barely walk across the room. Spends most of his time watching tv as getting off the couch is a chore. I wish I had magic words for you, but like you, after finding him on the floor a few times, I am afraid to leave him alone. I just got a walker for him that he has not used yet, but the day is coming. My only advice is to keep pushing the doctors if you think things are not happening within a reasonable time period. I can send messages to the doctors through the hospital portal and I have done that to make sure they are aware of his rising CA19-9 numbers... and let's make an appointment for a scan to see what is going on. He has 4 MRI's and a CT scan scheduled for next week along with chemo and several doctor appointments. Town is an hour+ away... but that is ok. I want the doctors to stay on top of this. I recognize that I need to be the strong one in the house now as it is just my husband and our dog. But it sure was easier when Dan was the strong one.

As caregiver to my wife, I have learned to always be there or be close by. That is a challenge for one who has wanderlust, but learn I have. My brother passed last October and I am in charge of his estate so I have been spending lots of time at his house organizing, discarding, preparing for sale.

My wife had stage 2b pancan. She had Whipple surgery and recovery was a bear. She was on TPN for two months, then g-tube/j-tube for 5 1/2 months. Finally, we were able to wean her off the tubes and get back to eating.

She has lost a lot of weight, just skin and bones now. But she is eating and we think gaining some back. We concentrate on anything she wants, protein, overall calories, and things like full fat yogurt. She is taking Creon and that is a blessing. I have discovered that she tolerates meat quite well. Last night, spareribs for example. When I am coming home from my own appointments and ask her if I can pick up anything, she asks for a hamburger and shake. By the time I get home, half the shake is gone, but that is okay with her. She eats only half the burger and half the shake, if that.

Acceptance and Faith are essential tools in this battle. The first deals with reality and the second deals with knowing that there is a higher end to all this. Death is a sexually transmitted disease acquired at conception. But death is not the end, it is the new beginning of eternal life.

Faith, Hope, Love.

Oh yes, its very hard... I am trying... Our daughter moved back with us, which is a big help... but we are scared and worried.... we are considering a 2nd opinion.... although our Doctors are nice... I feel they could be doing more..., I feel they are giving up on is because it metastasized... but I am being my husbands advocate... the best I can... this is all sooo scary to us.

We are in much the same boat. Not feeling like much is being done...so frustrating. Sending prayers to you and your loved one.

Thank you, and to you both as well

You will start to get stronger because you have no choice. My husband of 38 years did everything for me. After a year of this journey I am doing most everything...some things I didn't think I could. I have found that doing things keeps me busy which helps...he is still my rock and i love him more than life itself. Our roles have changed but my hope is that it will swing back and he will get stronger. May God keep us all well.

My dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer June 2024...it has been a very difficult journey for him...at 83 he chose not to do any treatments of chemo or radiation...he included all of us in his decision...we all told him we support him...my mom is his primary care giver...my dad has always been an active man. Owns an auto repair shop my brothers work with him...thankfully the business is right next to our house my brothers check on them frequently during the day...both sisters live close by...me on the other hand live 3 hours away..so when I get home its so hard to see the changes in him...godbless him he is a fighter. They have awesome Drs, one of which makes HouseCalls. He is on Pallative Care has had 2 stents...bile duct and most recently duodenal stent. Mom doesn't like to leave him for any length of time, he has fallen a few times. My parents have been married for 65 years..5 kids all married...10 grandkids all married 10 great grandkids and counting...so our family is very blessed..

Same here... where some jobs were "mine", and some were "his". Not that I was not capable of doing them... just a division of labor. And now nearly all jobs are mine. My husband feels bad about me doing it all, but when he says that, I remind him that he did these jobs for 45 years for us, and it is my time. And I too hope he can get stronger for both of us.

That is so true. Over time things just happen...not sure people realize that that is what happens in a good partnership. Wishing you both many more years together. It is hard to see them unable to do something that they used to do without thinking about it. Our love for them will give them strength.