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Son estranged due to controlling spouse
My son & I were always very close. I have two children, he’s the older one. The one that made me a mother & opened up my world to loving unconditionally and so deeply that at times I was completely awe struck. We remained close until he met a particular woman, married her & became completely enmeshed with her family. I’m leaving a lot out here but bottom line, he’s completely controlled by her and her mother. He lives with her parents, it’s very dysfunctional. If you told me this is the person he’d choose, I would have said you’re crazy, it would never happen. It did happen & now they have a daughter, she’s 3.
I am not allowed over their house, my son has cut me out of his life and he’s also estranged from his sister. His life is his wife’s family & he’s turned into a person that gaslight’s, blames my daughter & I for everything under the sun and plays the victim all while jumping through hoops of fire for his wife and her family. I’ve tried ever which way to approach this. I sought therapy for healthy guidance and nothing changes. I miss the person I used to know as my son. Does anyone have any experience/thoughts about how to remain in a healthy frame of mind as I navigate through life without my son or granddaughter (and they just live 10 minutes down the road from me)
Thank you 🙏
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I am not sure we can ask this question on this site or if you are comfortable with saying, but where are you located? I have been working out of state away from my home off and on for three years while this has been going on. I am returning to my home in Dubuque, Iowa and planning on taking care of myself. Starting a support group is part of that. I am okay with remote meetings, but I envision having retreats or trips to retreats together to help each other deal with the pain. I have a friend that belongs to a support group for mothers who lost their adult children to an overdose. They meet and do fun things together once or twice a year. I would like to develop something like that. My journey with this started on MLK day 2023, I am tired of the up and downs. I do have some contact with both my sons and my only granddaughter, but it must all go through "the gate keepers" which are now the wives. My granddaughter isn't even with her real mother. The step mother is the gate keeper. I think I've learned a lot, but it isn't easy.
My daughter was diagnosed with cancer and she completely shut me and her father out. It Felt like a double gut punch. No medical info updates for weeks. However, we did receive several communications telling us and her siblings that her husband would take care of “his” family and stay away and don’t contact her. No acknowledgment that she’s our family too. I felt that fighting about this would just increase her stress so I shut up and locked up my heart for a couple months. After completely backing off and praying intensely, some communication has now begun. I was blindsided by all this because before the cancer we had what I perceived as a neutral uncontentious relationship. No arguments or fights. Has she hated me all along and hidden it? Has her husband hated her family all along and hidden it? We’re swallowing our anger (and pride) accepting this treatment because there are grandchildren involved whom we love and want to see again. Does cancer stress take the veil off relationships? Does it create new relationship problems?
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2 ReactionsMy spouse suffers from a debilitating disease. We don't get calls or texts from our daughter. I call her . It is hurried conversation. Not ..how are you and Dad doing? Now my grandkids are doing the same. My spouse gets a new diagnosis or new problem. All I want is a call. Maybe say can I come over and sit with Dad ..so you can get out. I last saw my daughter in Jan. The conversation was all about her. I had definitely b een surprised the last few years. We don't get this from our other adult child. Lives out of state too. My heart goes out to you. If I like you had a reason for this, it might be different. By the way she lives 10 miles from us. Love and prayers your way.
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3 ReactionsI can so relate 😢
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2 ReactionsI am in CT fortunately/unfortunately so I’d have to do remote but I I’ll take that knowing we can always still meet for a retreat of some kind someday
OMG, I am so sorry for your multidimensional alienation! To not be able to be there for her health is a HUGE LOSS!
My son, right after his wedding a year and a half ago, was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and did not want be to get involved. I texted his wife on surgery day and asked her to please keep me posted on everything because that was my child going into surgery, and her response was “Well that’s my husband going into surgery!” She was right and I was embarrassed, but now I don’t give one damn about her. She is very disrespectful to me.
I really hope things turn around for you and your daughter ❤️
Also, you hit the nail on the head when you said ‘has she hated or been angry w/me all along?!?’
That is exactly how I felt! I thought we were always good but now I feel like that was a myth on my part, and that hurts the most.
Thank you for saying that!
That’s where my emotional pain lives with this whole situation. It’s traumatic as hell!!
I am so sorry to hear that! I do not understand this generation, so selfish!
Thank you. I just called her yesterday yesterday to hear from her. It now goes to a generic message.
Sorry my hands shake and the message has typos.