1. < Caregivers

Stubborn partner

Posted by denise96 @denise96, Jan 7 8:57am

Any one on here who has to deal with a stubborn, hardheaded partner? My husband has late stage iv lung cancer and advanced COPD. He has had two chemoimmunotherapy treatments so far. His symptoms after wards have not been good. He vomits daily and can't eat anything without throwing up afterwards. He has been given compazine which did not seem to work for him. Now he has zprexa and zofran. Just got those ones yesterday. Hopefully he will start to feel better. But what makes me angry is that he won't try anything I suggest. Was going to make him peppermint tea with honey. He told me he does not like tea. There is boost in the frig which he won't drink. We have gingerale. He did try once, but threw up shortly after drinking it. I suggested crackers and he said he did not like crackers because they are dry. I said I can add oyster crackers to you soup. They will get soggy. He said NO. He never drinks water. Only coffee and milk. Bought him gatorade and he said I don't like it. He won't drink milkshakes. Did make him two weeks ago and he said he did not want to drink them anymore. I am at my wit's end. He weighs 92 pounds and is 5'10. It does not matter what I suggest, he doesn't like it or he makes some other excuse. I know that he is dehydrated but he won't even think about drinking water. We all do things that we don't like, but if it is going to help,, most of us will try it. Not him. And sorry to say, but I am TIRED of it. Last Sunday, I ordered ginger and peppermint tea from amazon. Guess I will be drinking it. Guess I will just have to watch him disintergrate into nothing but bones. Sorry for the rant.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

kb2014 | @kb2014 | Feb 28 2:19pm

I wish in hindsight reading these posts I had tried to get my first husband in hospice before I got him in a nursing home. He died 6 weeks later. I held his hand through his last breath. I do.not think any of his health care providers made this clear to me. How close he was. I wore myself out trying to take care of him. No blame just wish I would have been told upfront. I got seriously ill in 2014 2 years after his death. Very ill. I am fortunate to be alive and reading these posts. I still have trauma to process from it. This group helps. God bless

REPLY
1 reply
josmio | @josmio | Feb 28 10:12pm
In reply to @josmio "Hi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m..." + (show)
@josmio

Hi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m not sure if you had tried getting a caregiver and a nurse to help you at home. There must be a social worker or case manager who is assigned to your husband. If you’re not sure, I believe that you can let his primary doctor or oncologist know that you need help caring for him at home so you can get started learning the different options you have.
There is a caregiver support group on this site that may be helpful to you in dealing with your frustrations and getting more information. There are professional therapists to help you with what you’re feeling along with all those frustrations and anger.
I hope that you continue to seek help. This is a good start. Take care.

Jump to this post

Thank you.

Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

REPLY
josmio | @josmio | Feb 28 10:12pm
In reply to @josmio "Hi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m..." + (show)
@josmio

Hi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m not sure if you had tried getting a caregiver and a nurse to help you at home. There must be a social worker or case manager who is assigned to your husband. If you’re not sure, I believe that you can let his primary doctor or oncologist know that you need help caring for him at home so you can get started learning the different options you have.
There is a caregiver support group on this site that may be helpful to you in dealing with your frustrations and getting more information. There are professional therapists to help you with what you’re feeling along with all those frustrations and anger.
I hope that you continue to seek help. This is a good start. Take care.

Jump to this post

Thank you.

Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

REPLY
denise96 | @denise96 | Mar 1 6:50am
In reply to @kb2014 "I wish in hindsight reading these posts I had tried to get my first husband in..." + (show)
@kb2014

I wish in hindsight reading these posts I had tried to get my first husband in hospice before I got him in a nursing home. He died 6 weeks later. I held his hand through his last breath. I do.not think any of his health care providers made this clear to me. How close he was. I wore myself out trying to take care of him. No blame just wish I would have been told upfront. I got seriously ill in 2014 2 years after his death. Very ill. I am fortunate to be alive and reading these posts. I still have trauma to process from it. This group helps. God bless

Jump to this post

You are right. This group really does help. I am so glad that you survived your illness. I hope you are doing well. I still am feeling numb almost an otherworld feeling since my husband passed on Sunday. I just sit and my mind is blank almost. STill trying to process all that happened.

REPLY
1 reply
denise96 | @denise96 | Mar 1 6:54am
In reply to @josmio "Hi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m..." + (show)
@josmio

Hi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m not sure if you had tried getting a caregiver and a nurse to help you at home. There must be a social worker or case manager who is assigned to your husband. If you’re not sure, I believe that you can let his primary doctor or oncologist know that you need help caring for him at home so you can get started learning the different options you have.
There is a caregiver support group on this site that may be helpful to you in dealing with your frustrations and getting more information. There are professional therapists to help you with what you’re feeling along with all those frustrations and anger.
I hope that you continue to seek help. This is a good start. Take care.

Jump to this post

Well all those concerns are gone now. My husband passed on Sunday the 23rd. He ended up being in a Good Samartian House which is a part of hospice. He was only there for 5 days when he passed. But it was a wonderful place and I know he got the pain meds and care that he needed. Thank God for them.

REPLY
3 replies
josmio | @josmio | Mar 1 8:57am
In reply to @denise96 "Well all those concerns are gone now. My husband passed on Sunday the 23rd. He ended..." + (show)
@denise96

Well all those concerns are gone now. My husband passed on Sunday the 23rd. He ended up being in a Good Samartian House which is a part of hospice. He was only there for 5 days when he passed. But it was a wonderful place and I know he got the pain meds and care that he needed. Thank God for them.

Jump to this post

Hi. Please accept my condolence. Yes, I’m sure that he is in a better place even to this day. I sense that you have some peace of mind. I hope that you continue to do well and I just want to say that you did the very best you can for him. I wish that you do the same for yourself. Take care.

REPLY
Mentor
Lori, Volunteer Mentor | @loribmt | Mar 1 9:52am
In reply to @denise96 "Well all those concerns are gone now. My husband passed on Sunday the 23rd. He ended..." + (show)
@denise96

Well all those concerns are gone now. My husband passed on Sunday the 23rd. He ended up being in a Good Samartian House which is a part of hospice. He was only there for 5 days when he passed. But it was a wonderful place and I know he got the pain meds and care that he needed. Thank God for them.

Jump to this post

Oh Denise, I’m so sorry for your loss! It was a comfort to know he was getting the meds and pain care he needed at the hospice house to ease his discomfort. That’s the final gift of dignity we can give our loved ones. Knowing what a difficult time this is, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Gentle hug…

REPLY
1 reply
billiekip | @billiekip | Mar 1 11:38am

I hear your frustration and underlying fear that you aren't doing enough. You are. The old adage "you can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" can be applied here. Hydration is so important; lack of it leads to UTI's. My husband suffers from ALZ is now in a Memory Care Facility. I visit daily and bring him a container of ice water with a straw and a small bag of potato chips. The chips make him thirsty, so he'll drink his water. Is it enough for the day? No. But it makes me feel like I've had a small win. He had a fall, broke his hip, and had to be in rehab. All of these setbacks caused him to lose more and more weight. With ALZ, his essence is long gone, but now I see him physically shrinking before my eyes. Think about tiny snacks like you would have for children. For example, cut a banana horizontally in half and slather with peanut butter. Put the halves back together and cut it into chunks. Freeze them to pop out for a snack. Little portions often work better. Vent away. It is essential for your mental health. I vented and shared on this forum for many months when I was caretaking for my husband at home. Reach out to those who have walked your walk. You are treading water and need a lifeline.

REPLY
1 reply
denise96 | @denise96 | Mar 1 7:24pm
In reply to @billiekip "I hear your frustration and underlying fear that you aren't doing enough. You are. The old..." + (show)
@billiekip

I hear your frustration and underlying fear that you aren't doing enough. You are. The old adage "you can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" can be applied here. Hydration is so important; lack of it leads to UTI's. My husband suffers from ALZ is now in a Memory Care Facility. I visit daily and bring him a container of ice water with a straw and a small bag of potato chips. The chips make him thirsty, so he'll drink his water. Is it enough for the day? No. But it makes me feel like I've had a small win. He had a fall, broke his hip, and had to be in rehab. All of these setbacks caused him to lose more and more weight. With ALZ, his essence is long gone, but now I see him physically shrinking before my eyes. Think about tiny snacks like you would have for children. For example, cut a banana horizontally in half and slather with peanut butter. Put the halves back together and cut it into chunks. Freeze them to pop out for a snack. Little portions often work better. Vent away. It is essential for your mental health. I vented and shared on this forum for many months when I was caretaking for my husband at home. Reach out to those who have walked your walk. You are treading water and need a lifeline.

Jump to this post

Thanks for responding. Glad that you understood my venting. But now my venting has turned into grief as my husband passed away on Sunday the 23rd. I knew it was coming soon. I took him to a good samaritan house which is part of hospice last wednesday and he passed sunday. But it was a wonderful place and he got the best care he could get. I think my husband weighed about 75 pounds if that when he passed. He suffered so much that I wish they could have gotten him in that place long before this. But I know he wouldn't have went. He did not want to go last week, but we told him it would only be for 3 days and that it would be a break for me. That is why he agreed to go. To give me a break. Little did he know that he would not be back. But at least he was no longer suffering and he was at peace. Now I grieve, then I feel relieved and then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. But like you said, I watched him fading away day by day. He kept falling and I could not always pick him up and I knew that I could not give him the care he needed. It was so hard to see him in that much pain but now he is at peace.

REPLY
1 reply
denise96 | @denise96 | Mar 1 7:28pm
In reply to @loribmt "Oh Denise, I’m so sorry for your loss! It was a comfort to know he was..." + (show)
@loribmt

Oh Denise, I’m so sorry for your loss! It was a comfort to know he was getting the meds and pain care he needed at the hospice house to ease his discomfort. That’s the final gift of dignity we can give our loved ones. Knowing what a difficult time this is, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Gentle hug…

Jump to this post

Thank you so much. Yes, he did not suffer. For which I am very grateful, but he suffered a long time and he tried to fight it but the cancer got the best of him. Thank God he is at peace now.

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.