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I have been estranged from my daughter for almost 20 years
I have been estranged from my daughter for almost 20 years. Recently we have done some contact and she blames me for so much that did not happen at all!
She claims that I beat her (never happened) and did nothing for. None of that is true. Her father and I divorced when she was about 6 and we went to live with my mother. This was only because my husband tried to burn down the house we lived in with us in it! We lived in the country then.
He wanted generous child visitation, which I gave him wanting her to have a relationship with her father, but he stood her up so many times. I recall one time in particular when after church she was sanding behind the car in the driveway waiting for her father to arive. Her friends wanted her to play, but she told them proudly she was waiting for him. He never showed. When I went out to bring her in for lunch she took it out on me (she was about 8 then). It was MY fault. I had nothing to do with it.
Anyway, I am the one that bought her a car, encouraged her to take courses to go to college. She had a savings account that I had control of and turned over to her on her 18th birthday. This she claims never happened and actually sued me about it when she graduated from college and was looking for $$ to pay off student loans. This DEVASTATED ME. Even my Father said she was rotten through and through.
I couldn't deal with that for years yet, eventhough she claimed to the lawyers that she was afraid of me (thus she refused to be in a room with me and I had to leave the courthouse before she did). One time she was in the lawyers office for a deposition (she refused to have me in the room while I was deposed, she couldn't even look at my husband! I think that says a lot. Once it was over she seemed to think things should go right back to normal.
Oh, she moved out of my house between her junior and senior year in college because: 1. I wouldn't pony up money for her to move out of the dorm and have her own apartment. 2. I came home one night to find her and her current boyfriend in a compromising position, if you get my drift. I called her on that and she told me she would do what she wanted. I said not in my house, and she moved out. I told her she didn't have to move, but to have respect for me....you understand.
Re this I also had a problem with her in high school, also in her Junior. She had a crush on a young music teacher and he encouraged it. While the spring play was being rehearsed she told me she was going to be late one night because of that. When it got to 10:30, which was late for her on a school night) and she still wasn't home I started calling around looking for her. I drove to the high school there were cars there but I could not get in. Anyway, I called the police and told them she wasn't home yet, etc. The police checked the school and found that she was still there with the TEACHER! This was around midnight!
The police brought her home and boy was she angry. The next day she came home and told me the music teacher said I got him in trouble! I told her he got himself in trouble, that she should never have been with him etc. A few weeks later he told her that the school was not renewing his contract and she was furious at me.
I had talked to the school about the situation but the school also had the report from the police department.
Anyway, she always tells me how great her father was and I wonder if it is time to tell her about the fire etc. There is a police report on that and she and I spend about 2 weeks at a women's shelter after that happened.
Please let me hear your remarks. This has bothered me for years. I have gotten blamed for so much I didn't do. As I once told her, if I was that bad she could have gone to live with her father. The truth there is that he didn't want her to cramp his life style.
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Dear faithinoc,
I am sorry for your pain with having an estranged daughter. There are so many older parents going through this phenomenon and many books on the market written by reputable psychologists to help you through the worst of this loss. I just finished Dr. Joshua Coleman’s book, Rules of Estrangement and When Parents Hurt. Dr. Coleman has been through this experience with his daughter. Every family is different, but the pain is the same, deep and life changing. You are fortunate to have adult children that you remain close to. Perhaps your younger daughter will change her thoughts; perhaps not. Regardless your life is valuable and as all parents know, we do our best with our resources with some more limited than others. Like you, I was a single mother and like you, I loved and cared for my two children. I am proud of my family and wish I could’ve done more for them, that I had been home more. I think most single mothers feel some guilt in that they couldn’t be as present and available as their children needed or deserved. No one is to blame and single parenting is an imperfect reality. You raised a family…congratulations. Take care of yourself.
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2 ReactionsA couple that I know saw Dr. Joshua Coleman because of an estrangement occurring with their adult daughter. They found the session to be helpful but it was limited to just one consultative session. They found the session and his books to be very helpful.
Dr. Joshua Coleman:
-- https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/
What I think has a lot to do with my one daughter is counselling. I sometimes think some of these so called counselors put thoughts into the person's head and encourage them.
I found it interesting that when I requested a meeting with my daughters counselor in high school AFTER the music teacher incident, she listened but I felt she blew it off like I was out of line bringing this up to her. I also wondered where my daughter got a lot of the stuff in her mind. Wasn't from me.
In fact, she use to accuse me of being prejudiced against a certain group of people. I wasn't, in fact one of my good friends was of that group and she knew it. What was interesting was when her language teacher contacted me about my daughter's behavior towards some of these people. The language teacher was concerned with her attitude etc., because she was a leader and others took her cue!
What daughter was accusing me of is doing what she was doing!
Oh, and when she sued me for money, she also sued me for what she claimed was HER bedroom set. She wanted that too. My lawyer asked if she had paid for it and of course she hadn't. Told her that if she wanted it she could buy it from me as it wasn't hers. Boy, did that get to her! How terrible I was.
My other daughter is great. She doesn't remember any of the things my other daughter claimed happened. She does remember her father not showing up and her sister getting angry with me about it.
My response is different. Transgenerational trauma is passed on..My parents were in a place similar to you. If we are raised in dysfunction even if parents cannot or refuse to see it the child is harmed. Her father attempt at arson is major trauma
I am not blaming here but cause effect and Correlation is entirely different. At this point it is your daughters responsibility to heal herself and move forward.
I don't understand what you mean. Are you saying that I should just forget about any relationship with her?
Funny you mention about her father and arson. She was never aware of it because I caught the fire before it got that far and put it out. Never said a word to her about it.
What does confuse me is that she, after all the times he stood her up for various visitations etc., thinks he is wonderful and blames me for everything. He had scheduled visitation with her and wouldn't show but later send her a postcard from Florida, California or wherever he was saying he "wished she was there"! After one of those she would get angry at ME. It wasn't my fault he didn't show or didn't let her know he wasn't coming.
Addition: Her father is dead now and that is my fault too. He died at 66 of diabetes up at his summer home in Canada with his new (3 month) wife who is 2 years younger than my daughter.
How that is my fault I haven't a clue. But if you have any insight please let me know.
I cannot provide an answer about whether you should give up. I am not assigning blame. I do believe your daughter needs time to resolve her pain and issues. Her father's death has nothing to do with you. There seems to a lot of pain here too for you. Perhaps it is time for all to focus on healing.
I have had similar dysfunctional family dynamics as well..I got my time to focus on my own healing. My mother died in November 2021. She was very controlling. Our relationship never healed while she was alive despite hard Boundary setting with me. My father will soon be 88. Our relationship was the most troubled. He carried the trauma from his own family of origion to his. My brother and I do not speak. I remarried in 2020 and moved 1900 miles away. My mother's family of origion had its own trauma not dealt with so the shame and trauma was carried by her into her famiky. I have had quite a lot of therapy including trauma recovery. I had to look at my issues my behavior etc from a trauma informed lens. I was stuttering by age 3 and very anxious so I was in speech therapy and counseling by a psychotherapist early in life. If our life begins with trauma we do not have agency to make different choices . I finally was given this opportunity after a serious illness. I was coded intubated in a medically induced coma etc. I hope some of my reply makes since.