Trying to feel normal but don’t know what that is.

In the AA book ‘AAComes of Age’ Cocreator Bill Wilson says that when getting down to ‘causes and conditions’ to our alcoholism eventually we should visit Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families due this reason more than anything else We were likely borne in it and perceive the Dysfunctional behaviors as ‘NORMAL’ … yet it is not healthy. The parents are not to blame but just passing on an emotional inheritance of unhealthy dysfunctional life. Besides, to ‘Blame’ is to B-Lame’. I recover my dysfunctional childhood carrying within me my emotional child and reparent him everyday - this is how we recover from ‘Arrested Development’ of childhood trauma, grief, and abuse or neglect.

To Bruce, thank u 4 your comment. Can we agree to disagree???? My parents ARE TO BLAME FOR THEIR DYSFUNCTION!!!! The never and I can TRUTHFULLY say never!!!! They refused to change. They were sooo closed minded and my mother was so narcissistic that she couldn't even go to therapy. She didn't think that there was anything wrong with her. I bought her a book over 30 yrs ago when I got sober that I had been sexually abused 4 the first 15 years of my life. But she didn't choose to support me OR HERSELF. This book was to help her to understand incest , to understand ME!! She chose Not 2 read it to protect herself to not jeopardize her emotional comfort. She NEVER, and I mean never took consideration for me! She was very much a black and white kinda thinker. She didn't WNT 2 change because nothing was wrong with her!!! I DO know that she's from a dysfunctional family as well but even when I talked to her recently thru a medium, she explained that she was raised that way. And I understand that, however she never once offered an apology for her behavior. But she DID offer me support . I will never 4give either of them and I don't have to. I'm just riding a very very long wave!!!!!!

So, it is most common that our abusers and enablers do not address or take responsibility - we are powerless to expect change in the beginning and suffer the disillusionment that they never change but we are 100% responsible for the quality of our own life - I came to believe that I would no longer accept a life of impossible expectations and went on to live my now beautiful life free of anything others have done to me. Dad broke my left femoral at 16 months old, 6-months in a body cast, pressure sores inside the cast neglected treatment, Scoliosis at 12, spinal fusion from T5 to L2, a year in another body cast, more pressure sore infections and added shame, was a mirror of shame to them, more neglect. Fusion hardware removal at 17, another cast, and now at 64 a $1m spinal reconstruction with added paralysis, and all the psychological damage… been sober over 39 years with an amazing recovery life - I accept the challenges in my life including loosing two spouses but God had sustained continuous peace and sobriety / don’t get me started on all the great things, people and humility my God fill life has created and sustained. If He ne er came along I would have not survived. Pray and ask God for what you want and watch Him answer your prayers in His time - many are very amazed.

To @dianebrown
You wording, ‘I don’t want to die….I just don’t want to live like this anymore,’ are the exact words that I tell my husband. He is the kindest, most caring loving person but he can’t comprehend what it feels like to have insomnia, brain fog, heart palpitations, tremors, no appetite, etc. I panicked in November and went to the emergency room. I told them how I was feeling — big mistake. They pretty much kidnapped me and sent me to a lock down facility. They threatened that if I didn’t go voluntarily, they would call a Judge and send me wherever they pleased. I had to comply. Then another visit to the ER due to dehydration, caused them to lock me up in their “secret” behavioral health suite where I was watched and reported on every 15 minutes. The takeaway from this, don’t ever say “I don’t want to die….’to a mental health provider or hospital.

To the woman who said that she doesn't want to live to a mental health provider. I made that mistake when I went 2 a local er and said the same thing. But I wasn't gonna kill myself. I passively want to go to sleep and to not wake up.. that was just 2 yrs ago. Found myself in a psych hospital in lock down. Don ever b totally honest with these people.. they'll do something irrational or unreasonable. The asked me about a plan. I told them I didn't have a plan they insisted. If u did have a plan how would u do it....by od. ING on my rx meds. In a hospital more 35 miles away and never spoke with personnel until my 5th day there. Place should b closed down. No, don't ever be totally honest. You'll b fucked!!!!!

To @dianebrown
As I mentioned previously, that happened to me. I never said I wanted to kill myself. They put words in your mouth and frighten you. They told my husband it was a wonderful treatment center and I would get therapy and the best of care. What a bunch of bullshit. The place was filled with patients from the local jail. That’s how they make all their money. When inmates are released from jail and they are “homeless”, they quickly whisk them away to this facility in Phoenix and the state pays. This place should be shut down. No therapy, no talking with the doctors. I don’t think any of them were MDs or Psychiatrists. What a bunch of charlatans.

I understand your grief and hopelessness. I found my partner, of 27 years, 12/18/23, dead from alcoholism. I got sober 12/16/17 and had moved out of our house because he could not get sober. It has been the most brutal and painful experience I have ever felt. I just moved back into the house January 1st of this year and I am living with the good memories and the bad memories daily. I miss him terribly. He just could not stop drinking. I know that he would want me to carry on and stay sober. I wake up every morning and ask for help from the Universe (my higher power) and the strength to stay in the moment and do what is in front of me. I have been in and of sobriety from the age of 14 years old. I am in therapy for trauma and I recently started an antidepressant to get me out of the hole. Some days are better than others, but I am grateful, albeit, not all the time. I just wanted to let you know that the fact that you are sober is a miracle, me too, and it helps me to focus on the moment. The pain is still very deep, but I try not to stay in it. Hang in there.

Thank you for sharing your inner strength and hope with me. Makes me feel less alone.