Extreme self hatred- how did I become this person?

To @foundryrat743

You are an amazing human being. Your wife hit the jackpot when she married you. I am in a downward spiral right now. Just before my husband went to bed, he embraced me, and told me how frightened he was as suddenly within the past 3 weeks or so, his strength has really decreased. We both started crying. We don’t have any relatives or friends to help us. All my family live in Florida and no one has time for us. I only talk to my youngest sister about my anxiety and depression and my husband’s worsening condition, but now it seems like she doesn’t want to know anymore. I know I overdid it when I would call her in full panic mode. There is nothing she can do for me.

Dorothy1914, I am truly sorry to hear of your distress, where you feel virtually abandoned, in terms of needing support and help, and there is no one there, for you! I, too, have cried, when I am having a bad day, with Parkinson’s, and my wife has such trouble catching her breath, because she is in congestive heart failure! If you have a religious affiliation, perhaps you could reach out to a church/pastor, and find help that way. I used to be very active in church leadership, and helped many people over many years! With the COVID shutdowns, and my deteriorating health, I had to quit leadership, and much participation in church activities. We had become so isolated, so now we hardly go out at all! We are lucky to have some neighbors, who have been supportive, and helpful. Do you have any neighbors, that you could talk to, who might be able to occasionally help you? I’ll keep you, and your husband’s needs, in my prayers! Take care! Duane

I’ve been trying to figure out how this happened. I think maybe it’s several things that didn’t seem insurmountable on their own but they just kept piling up. Then I lost my mom in September of 2023 and it just broke me. I don’t have a therapist right now.. I tried a psychiatrist but she just gave me meds and didn’t give any actual therapy so I quit going.

I’m just seeing these replies today. It’s amazing to know others are feeling some of the same things as myself. I wish that none of us felt this way but also it’s nice to know I’m not alone. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t experience this how awful it is inside my own mind but also how I can’t seem to pull myself up to find care. I appreciate so much all the people who took time to post to let me know I’m not alone!