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Enough - This is going to be fixed!
Forgive me for posting a bit. Today I talked to a elder law attorney, I have set up an apt. tomorrow for H with his primary doc. who I talked to about situation earlier AND I arranged for H's oldest daughter, a nurse, to be able to join us at that apt. via cell.
The hacking, coughing, etc. and the paranoid behavior about EVERYTHING bothers his lungs, even unopened bottles of cleaning vinegar, etc. have to be addressed. This is not normal IMHO and can't continue.
I included his oldest daughter because he respects her and she is a nurse who can, well, is kind of a third party in dealing with explanations.
I realized yesterday I was living in a soap opera and didn't like it, it IS dragging me down, as I have posted. I have my list ready, and the Doc has also agreed on some issues but if H won't take the meds, inhalers, etc. it can be difficult. Kind of an intervention.
It is happening more quicky than I expected, tomorrow, but that is better.
Pray for me.
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YAY for your daughter!!!! and if he starts sliding back into his old ways tell him you'll have to get your daughter back for another couple of weeks...maybe that will help 🙂 Good luck!!!
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2 ReactionsI'm so happy to hear your daughter had some success and that you got away for a couple of days. Doing it alone is so difficult because we're just trying to keep our head above water 24/7. Having the support of a trusted ally can make such a difference.
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5 ReactionsH has dementia issues, which Daughter tried to explain to him, but it falls on deaf ears. She sees it. He is good at seeming normal for awhile, but hen you are around him for any period of time it starts to show. He doesn't understand what is being said, even on the news or program, and one has to explain it to him. That is when he gets a look in his eyes like he is confused. He will then get huffy and claim it wasn't that he didn't understand but that he didn't hear it. Truth is he heard it perfectly.
She told him that he will need to go to day care occasionally in respite center so that I can clean the house (as best I can these days) and the vinegar and other smells will be gone when he comes back so they don't bother him as he claims. Says he's not going, but we will see. I now have an ally and he can't rely on his daughter for squat.
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3 ReactionsTrying to navigate the care of a loved one who has dementia can be quite a struggle when they are resistant to care. Contending with their protests, unreasonable positions and odd behavior can be more exhausting than doing the household tasks. It’s mentally and physically draining. So glad you got a break and some respite time to recharge. I look forward to getting some too.
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5 ReactionsPrayers for you. Hopefully things will work out for both of you.
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2 ReactionsYes, you should have seen Daughter handle him, firm but gently. When he started complaining about his inhaler and all his so called problems, she told him if he didn't use it WE (meaning the rest of us) did not want to hear his hacking, coughing and phlegm issues as he can alleviate some of it.
We know he hurts, so I, but things have to get done. We have grabbers to help us, but Daughter put hooks for them in all the room, some even two. When he left after taking a shower and threw the toll on the floor along with his dirty cloths because they are hard for him to pick up, she gave him the grabber and told him it was just as difficult for me to bend down. He did it and has done it since (keeping fingers crossed).
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5 ReactionsI hope things improve, but people with dementia generally don’t show curtesy or handle their personal needs well. Generally, the more the condition progress, the more obvious it is in their behavior. I sometimes remind my mom that my dad is not going to act normal. She gets exasperated a lot. My dad says to me sometimes that he can’t do anything right. I think he tries. It’s sad.
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8 ReactionsWell, we have backtracked to his normal. Doc. visits! Here we go again.
H's been on the phone the last few days making doc. apts. Note that he is avoiding the Family Doc we had the meeting with just before Christmas.
This seems to be an obsession with him. Yesterday we saw his cardiologist because H claims his heart is pumping too hard. H. has a pacemaker and that was just checked out in Jan. Doc didn't see anything to worry about in the results. Because H is so worried he is sending him for an echogram (?) and we are going to the hospital for that this afternoon.
I am tired of spending so much time in hospitals and doc. offices that seems unnecessary. H. insists I go with him, and I will because the other day he was driving down a street we go down all the time and didn't know where he was! He was convinced we were going the wrong way! Scary!
Daughter had him talked into putting the plastic milk bottles, etc. out in the garbage but he is back to insisting they have to stay by the garbage can in the kitchen until garbage day (I sneak then out to the big can when I can). And back on refusing to throw out chicken bones in the garbage because "they stink" so he wraps them and puts them in the frig. or freezer until garbage day.
The thing I am starting to notice more is that he confuses words or can't remember a word.
My question here is do people seem to go from normal to this at various times?
My daughter is coming down for Easter break. We have not seen nor heard from his daughter even when we had the 13" of snow in early Jan. that closed everything down.
WAIT! Please don't let him make you backslide too! You saw, after your daughter's visit, that he can change. He is just doing these things to provoke you.
First, and critical - take the car keys - now - before he hurts himself, you or some innocent bystander.
Tell him he has to call Uber, a taxi or his daughter for rides to doctor appointments you deem unnecessary. Contact the doctors yourself, by phone or message, and tell them you are doing this and why.
On the more annoying but less critical matter, show him 2 can play that game. EVERY time he puts "stuff" on the floor or in the refrig/freezer that belongs in the trash, openly remove it and carry it out. Then go for a walk or a drive (without your phone) while he has his tantrum!
It might seem juvenile to do this, but your alternatives are to continue to suffer in silence, or to push back. You're tough , so push back.
Here's a big Hug for you today,
Sue🫂
PS To any other member who thinks I am off-base here, please read this couple's history - yes he has some issues, but he won't fix them (take meds as ordered, etc) and his demands and behaviors are over-the-top.
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2 ReactionsI don’t know his condition nor what is causing it, but if there is cognitive decline or dementia, it can cause people to behave in odd ways. Sometimes, the odd behavior comes before the dementia. I recall being totally perplexed by my cousin’s behavior years before she was diagnosed with severe vascular dementia. (Later on diagnosed with mixed….Vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s.) She was 63 at initial diagnosis.
At first I noticed odd obsessions. She was totally obsessed with her cat. Everything was about the cat, though she would not take it to the vet. She was terrified that cat would escape from her house through a crevice the size of a pea. So she taped all around her house, closets, vents, furniture openings, etc. ruined good furniture,…..then began buying large quantities of cat food, treats, litter……also bought huge amounts of paper products, cleaning supplies,….. began rituals, like cutting her trash into small pieces, not eating, rarely bathing, becoming quarrelsome over nothing. Later, confusion in traffic in familiar neighborhoods, loss of interest in her regular tv shows, increase in anxiety, repeated calls from her seeking comfort…..the anxiety can zoom in on a certain topic. For her it was her cat. Maybe, his anxiety is focusing on health.
It’s very difficult to offset the behavior, because I don’t think it’s intentional, though it seems that way. I’m afraid that if it is dementia…..it’s a rough and rocky road. Most people I know of who have dementia are difficult to be around. They can be exasperating…..caregivers become exhausted and stressed. That’s a big reason placement is sometimes chosen. The caregiver is worn down over time. Not so much the physical chores, but the mental gymnastics that are required to manage their behavior.
I recall what it feels like. I had to place my cousin, as her needs became too great for me, as I still worked. I’m back in a similar situation now with parents.
I can’t recall if you have seen an elder law attorney. If not, I would, in order to learn your rights and responsibilities. These medical bills could be mounting up. These cognitive issues can escalate quickly or go on for years. I’m no expert. Just my observations over the last 10 years. I hope you find some relief.
On a positive note, my cousin stopped her obsessions with her cat and other things, because she forgot she had a cat or a house, once in Memory care a few days. She settled down, with the help of meds, and was rather content, though at times, she’d get upset at loud noises.
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