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Convincing someone with dementia they need to move to assisted living

Posted by kdub1 @kdub1, Jan 30 4:50pm

Hi, my mom is 74 years old and has moderately severe multi infarct dementia. She lives alone with her two little dogs. In the past few months, she has declined and I fear she is not safe to live by herself anymore, but, she is also verbally aggressive and mean. She has told me she will not go to an "old folks" home. I have explained how great an assisted living can be - consistent homemade meals, help with medicine, help with technology etc. Her dogs are her family members and she won't leave them. I've considered trying to find a place that accepts a dog or two, but, she is unable to care for them. Her doctors, both primary and neurologist agree that she needs an assisted living but she won't listen to them either. I have POA but the assisted livings I've spoken to make it sound like they only take willing patients. I don't know what to do or how to keep my mom safe.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

celia16 | @celia16 | Feb 5 5:37pm
In reply to @kdub1 "I feel exactly you in your last paragraph. I'm scared to become her guardian. She's already..." + (show)
@kdub1

I feel exactly you in your last paragraph. I'm scared to become her guardian. She's already mad and screams at me over the phone (I live 2 hours from her) all the time. She is suspicious and has a lot of anger. I do realize that all of that is due to her dementia. I try and compartmentalize but that isn't easy either. She's an only child as am I. She has very little family and certainly no one who would step up and help her outside of me. Her small WV town doesn't have a lot of resources. I've asked for help from the police, adult protective services, the senior center, the neurologist and her PC. Very little help has been given.

The other thing with my mom is she tends to remember some stuff when it revolves around her being angry about something. I did take one of her three dogs because it looked skinny (the other two don't...yet). She has not forgotten that and tells anyone who will listen that I stole her dog. She also was able to hire a company to change her locks, which is shocking to me, so that I won't steal the other two.

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You might check to see if her state has a program of financial assistance to those who need and qualify for Assisted Living, as well as Memory Care, which is a division under Assisted Living. It’s state run and not Medicaid. Medicaid covers financial assistance for nursing home care, but not assisted living. In NC, the state program is called Special Assistance. The income and asset requirements are similar to that of Medicaid. Each state program may be different. A social worker or admissions director at an assisted living facility would be able to provide more info, as well as an elder law attorney. Owning a home doesn’t normally disqualify you.

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karen285 | @karen285 | Feb 13 9:07am
In reply to @centre "Hate to say it but what usually happens is that things get worse- pneumonia, a fall,..." + (show)
@centre

Hate to say it but what usually happens is that things get worse- pneumonia, a fall, sudden increase in disorientation due to taking meds improperly/poor nutrition. Often then to a PCP visit, then directed from there to the ER, then the person is admitted to the hospital and after a few days, the social service people help you arrange for an AL /Memory Care that will take her for “some therapy to get stronger to go home again”, she goes by wheelchair van (not you). The PT/OT starts, the days go by, she may be happy with the meals, the activities, not being “in charge”, she may say she wants to go home, but the reality is, the dementia will interfere with her being able to make and carry out a plan to do that.
The legal process of guardianship requires she be declared incompetent to manage herself and her own choices, the process requires testing and testimony. Judges are understandably very careful about taking someone’s agency away.
A note- if/when a hospital admission happens, Medicare requires a three day qualifying stay to pay for a short-term Rehab placement (1-2wks), this will get you some breathing room to look into facilities, find placement for the dogs, clean out her fridge, etc, then a direct admission from the Rehab.

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Obviously you’re very knowledgeable…thank you for this information

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