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My husband gave me a Happy Birthday Mom card
Yesterday was my birthday and we had planned to spend the day together, just us doing things we love. Hubby knew it was my birthday and even though he no longer drives, he had “secretly” picked out a card at the grocery and put it in our cart. We went shopping for a new wallet I wanted which he said he would buy for me and to lunch (although I must handle the card for purchases) and it was a day full of as much loving as I think he could muster. It started, however, with the feeling of cold reality when the card he had chosen for me appeared in the morning. He had forgotten to get an envelope and he presented it in the paperbag from the store on which he had painstakingly written “For you”. He had not signed the card and the card itself said Happy Birthday Mom, which he never calls me.
I thanked him sweetly and asked how he chose the lovely card, to which he replied that he thought the color was really nice and when he read it, he thought of me. My heart is so torn because he obviously loves me but my loving romantic husband is no longer with me. How do you handle this emotional loss?
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Thank you for you all for your thoughtful insights. My initial “shock and awe” is fading as I truly am married to the most wonderful and sensitive man I have ever known and I am blessed.
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7 ReactionsI so understand your feelings. I feel the same. We had so many plans for retirement that we have had to put to the side…we make the best of the situation, but it is still so hard…more so I think for me because he basically lives in the moment where I am remembering how it used to be, realizing how it is now, and a little fearful of how it will probably be going forward. The Lord is my strength and my source. I lean on Him heavily knowing I am not walking this journey alone. Please know your feelings are not wrong. You will work through them, as we all, are as we care for our loved ones.
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1 ReactionThank you for your kind thoughts! It is comforting to know I am not alone although I am trying very hard to stop looking at this through my loss and more through his. I am slightly succeeding.
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1 ReactionYou have articulated my feelings exactly. I understand what’s happening and my anger Comes out at everyone. I have an appt next week for us to begin a program where each of us participates in different groups, each with different goals. Some days I am patient and understanding but other days, I am not pleasant. I recently had a BIG birthday, and it has added to my anger as I see my life become “something else”…there is a difference between head/ mind and heart…feelings are feelings and we are allowed these feelings.
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2 Reactions@judimahoney I am angry too!!! Angry about the disease, angry there's no cure, angry about the emotional loss of my hubby, angry that I can't get some respite relief from family members, angry I can't do the the things I used to because I'm a caregiver 24/7, angry for the loss of my husband....but despite all this, I love him with all my heart!! And i remind myself why I fell in love with him and then a smile makes its way to my face and warms my heart, even if he'll never be able to give me those things again. But I'm also grateful that there's people like all of you that I can share my feelings and my story and experiences with.
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1 ReactionHi @boppi, we caregivers have to look for the positives and take solace from them.
Your husband is still with you, he is loving and considerate. He made a mistake and sent you a dear Mother card instead of a dear Wife card. The words are wrong, but the loving sentiment is there. Just remember, his brain is broken.
I think confusion is inevitable because the caregiver role is closer to that of a parent than a spouse. We must meet all of our loved one's needs, often the most primal, as their dependence on us and inability to take care of themselves increases, mirroring how our parents took care of us or how we, if parents, took care of our children.
My husband is loving and appreciative, but five years into a diagnosis of Alzheimer's he no longer remembers my birthday. All special dates elude him, Christmas, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, etc. Yesterday he asked me if the woman in a photograph was my mother. It was his mother. I told him and he remembered, or he pretended to.
So this is it, our new normal, which will keep changing and challenging us at every turn. If we are perplexed, imagine their bewilderment as they do their best to muddle through.
Heartbreaking for us, yes, but rewarding too, for as long as we are able to fulfill our duties. and give care with understanding and love, as you clearly are.
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1 ReactionHugs and support to you. We find joy when we can. 🙂