1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Harmful to point out the gravity of my wife's memory problems?

Posted by pcetng0202 @pcetng0202, Jan 15 11:51am

My first post. First, heart goes out to those with far graver concerns than mine. I have watched my wife's short-term memory disintegrate over the last six months. I am coping reasonably well but concerned that she dismisses the problem as "old age" (refusing to acknowledge that neurologist's verdict and brain scans show it's much more than that). It has interfered with my efforts at maintaining her schedules of medications, appointments, obligations, etc. but she views my gentle guidance as "control" and loss of autonomy. I do not want to hurt her or to incite conflict or to have her think that my love for her has been diminished. Any guidance from those ore experienced than I will be appreciated.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

1995victoria | @1995victoria | Jan 20 5:34pm
In reply to @windyshores "@pcetng0202 I totally get where you are and have been there though with my mother not..." + (show)
@windyshores

@pcetng0202 I totally get where you are and have been there though with my mother not a spouse.

One nurse told me things would get easier once the dementia gets worse, which might sound shocking, but she meant that the control and autonomy issues ease up a bit.

In my mother's case, she never knew she had dementia and I would not tell her, ever. We maintained that it was just age. One time she had all her winter clothes for me to take to storage and it was November. I did tell her it was November and we laughed, thank heavens. Humor helped.

Putting whatever you can online for autopay is good. Are you using a medication organizer? Does your spouse insist on setting it up? There are some med organizers with alarms I believe.

For medical appointments, I would send a message beforehand to the doctor (or hand them a note when my mother wasn't looking). You can also make and track appointments on the portal. Assuming you are the primary proxy you can use the portal. If your messages are legal, the MD can write back, but otherwise they won't. You can still write the MD. Sometimes we had phone appointments and my mother would just say hello and then I would go to another room. My mother had to be present legally.

I did a lot of white lies over time. My mother wanted gin and I always took her to a store that did not sell it!!! I also would say "Let's do that tomorrow" and she would forget.

Money and checkbook were the biggest hassles in terms of control. It sounds like your wife may not be there yet for a fake checkbook. I let my mother fiddle with her checks and check register but I actually did everything.

I suggest checking for an in-person support group. In my state the local councils on aging run them. Some therapists are trained to advise us on this situation too. This is a big loss for you along with the subtleties of dealing with control and autonomy issues.

Jump to this post

With my father, I would write out the checks and then have him sign them. He still felt in control. I got a check book with "carbon" copies, so if he did write out a check I would know where it went and how much, in a NEWLY created checking account. I had to let the other old checking account stay open for 6 months, to see what might come through, he would write checks and not record them in the check register....

REPLY
1 reply
jimdianne | @jimdianne | Jan 22 1:26am

My wife was diagnosed with aMCI about a year ago and is on Donezipril which seems to help. Her long term migraines have completely ceased with this medication but I do know the same concerns you mention. She now has smaller headaches occasionally but when these occur her condition worsens noticeably. Months ago we agreed to add a "parental control" app on her cellphone so I could monitor when she may try to download inappropriate apps (which she had done). Yesterday she forgot we agreed to this and accused me of trying to control her life. I had to calmly explain to her the situation and told her the app name on her phone was insenstive; i.e. I'm not her parent and she's not my child. She seemed to accept this.. for the time being.

REPLY
deniseheart | @deniseheart | Jan 22 8:35am
In reply to @1995victoria "With my father, I would write out the checks and then have him sign them. He..." + (show)
@1995victoria

With my father, I would write out the checks and then have him sign them. He still felt in control. I got a check book with "carbon" copies, so if he did write out a check I would know where it went and how much, in a NEWLY created checking account. I had to let the other old checking account stay open for 6 months, to see what might come through, he would write checks and not record them in the check register....

Jump to this post

This is the same course that I had to take with my mother. As her memory loss worsened, she would then phone in her payments on her bills on the day they were due, but often were very late. She finally agreed that it was best that I act as her "bookkeeper" and take care of the bills. It has worked out OK for us.

REPLY
ekelly | @ekelly | Jan 24 4:28pm

An excellent source of information is" Teepa Snow's Positive Approach to Care - YouTube." I wish you the very best.

REPLY
1 reply
pcetng0202 | @pcetng0202 | Jan 25 6:14am
In reply to @ekelly "An excellent source of information is" Teepa Snow's Positive Approach to Care - YouTube." I wish..." + (show)
@ekelly

An excellent source of information is" Teepa Snow's Positive Approach to Care - YouTube." I wish you the very best.

Jump to this post

Overwhelmed by serious setbacks for my wife and myself, I thank you for this reference and I thank as well all those who have made helpful comments on my query. I read--and appreciated all, though lacking the time to reply individually. Three emergency room visits for my wife have underscored her courage while intensifying our bond. Even "virtual" support is resolve-strengthening. We shall overcome.

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.