Stubborn partner

I hear you. I really hear you. It is so hard and frustrating when they don't seem to want to help themselves. Of course, I might be the same if I was in that position. It is hard to say. I would hope not, but when your life takes a turn like that, maybe you just figure it is not worth it.

I am my brothers caretaker. dealing with an angry & depressed brother who is about to have BMT. He cusses a lot, blames everyone from government to family for life issues. He complained a lot before he got sick and now 10 times worse.
My heart goes out to anyone who is in similar circumstances. Hugs❤️

What does bmt mean? It must be very frustrating for you to deal with this. today, I am beginning to feel like a servant. all i heard was "get me this, get me that. dont forget an ice cube in my milk. the soup is not warm enough there is too much broth." and on and on. well tomorrow I am going shopping with my mom and I can't wait. I asked him if he would be OK and he said yes. I did msg my son and asked him to check in on him either in person or by phone. In the 27 years since my husband moved from pittsburgh to where I live, he has not made any friends. He is not a social person and never tried to be a friend to anyone. NOw when he could use someone to sit with him for awhile, there is no one he can call. Sad but true. Hang in there. Have you tried duck tape? lol

Hi @jsea and welcome to Connect. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the brunt of your brother’s anger and depression with his cancer journey.
You mention that he is scheduled to have a bone marrow transplant. We have a growing number of members, along with myself who have had bone marrow transplants (SCT or BMT). One of the many special things about Connect is the ability to talk with members who have first hand experience with many illness, cancers, surgeries, and treatments such a as a bone marrow transplant. It can be so helpful and comforting to speak with someone who has walked the walk.

What can I help you or your brother with as he prepares for his transplant? I can provide you with links for information for Caregivers and patients.
What type of cancer does he have which is requires the transplant?

Haha! like your duck tape idea..just kidding. BMT is bone marrow transplant .
He has a 50/50 chance of surviving it & up to a year to feeling back to a “normal “ life. Sometimes it helps to change the subject if he starts talking critically of others, etc. or sometimes I just have to leave the room. Btw how was your shopping trip w your mom?

"It's hard to be a wife when you are in charge of doing everything by yourself. "

That's a perfect sentence to describe the way I feel.

I'm new to the group, and have been reading through posts, and this thread caught my attention. My husband has had lung cancer, COPD, spine surgery, heart problems,ED, leg swelling .... starting with the lung cancer diagnosed in 2011. It's been a slow death of his capabilities, and our relationship. I'm not at all maternal (no kids), and I have never felt the need or desire to be responsible for or control another person's life. But now, I'm responsible for both of us ... and everything around the house and ... everything, period. But yet, I never seem to do anything right, in his opinion. I get so angry ! His frustration at not being able to do things manifests as super-controlling behavior toward me. And then he wants to be intimate! (Which is kinda tough, considering ....)

It does help to "spit it out" ... thanks for listening

Wow! You have been doing this for a long time. You must be exhausted. It does not help when they yell etc. Thankfully, I only had to deal with all of that since September of last year. Sadly, my husband passed on Sunday Feb. 23. I guess I never quite grasped the horrible pain he was in as he tried to downplay it. When he was first diagnosed his cancer was already in the last stages and had started to spread. The doctor told him with treatment, he may last 2 years but without, he may have 6 months. Joe took two treatments and decided he could not do it anymore. Hospice was called in and thank God they were. They began coming in January after he decided not to go for any more treatments. They came twice a week and last wednesday they said that they wanted him to go the good samaritan house. He agreed and I drove him there that day. They had 10 beds there and he was the only patient and so he got the undivided attention of the nurses. They were so kind and they all had great faith in God. It was a beautiful house. I was happy because I could not give him the care he needed at home. I saw him again on last Friday and was planning to go on Sunday when I got the call that he had passed. It all happened very quickly. But it was the best thing that could have happened for him and me. They can give lots of pain meds there and anything else he might need or want. So he died comfortably and in peace. But for you, I don't know how I could have dealt with what you are going through for all those years. I would probably be in the nut ward. God bless you and give you the strength you need. They do have caretaker zoom meetings on here. I believe the link is under the caretaker blog. You might find some comfort in that. If not, drink heavily. (just kidding) 🙂

So sorry to hear you lost your husband. Sounds like it was his time, and he accepted that. I'm glad for both of you that it was quick . I can imagine that you feel a combination of sadness, grief and relief all at once .... and probably feel guilty for that.... but don't!

In my case, I think I've been grieving for 15 years... initially, I was ecstatic when his first lung cancer treatment had very good results, but the effects of that and the other impacts of COPD have just stripped him of all the things he ... and we ... loved to do. So I grieved the loss of the life we had. Unfortunately, he hasn't really tried to replace those things with others, and hasn't done as much as he could to improve his quality of life (in particular, he refused to exercise, which apparently is the one thing COPD patients can do to keep themselves viable).

We recently talked about how the end would happen for him ... not knowing what to expect is tough. We both fear he will suffer.

Thank you. If your husband ever reaches the point where the doctor says that he has 6 months or less to live, call in Hospice. They came twice a week for about 4 weeks before they decided that he should go to the Good Samaritan house-which is part of hospice. At first he said he was not going but when I asked him to please try it for 3 days because I needed a break, he said OK, I will go because you need a break. But my husband was beginning to get really confused, he could not walk and kept falling all the time because he still tried to walk. I don't know how many times I had to get him up and I knew I could no longer do it on my own. In fact, after the hospice nurse got him in the car, she came back into the house and told me that she did not think he would be coming back. And she was right. But I am so thankful for them. I don't know how old you are, but my husband and I were both on Medicare and Medicare paid for it all. He was considered a inpatient person. I don't know if my insurance would have paid for it if we had not been on medicare. But is definitely something to keep in mind, Pallative care did not really do anything except prescribe meds. The appts. were done online so they had no one to really assess him at home. We had visiting nurses for awhile. THey were nice but they can't do as much as hospice can. Hospice won't let your husband suffer. my husband also had advanced COPD as well and they also handled that at the good samartan home.
Blessings to both you and your husband.

Hi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m not sure if you had tried getting a caregiver and a nurse to help you at home. There must be a social worker or case manager who is assigned to your husband. If you’re not sure, I believe that you can let his primary doctor or oncologist know that you need help caring for him at home so you can get started learning the different options you have.
There is a caregiver support group on this site that may be helpful to you in dealing with your frustrations and getting more information. There are professional therapists to help you with what you’re feeling along with all those frustrations and anger.
I hope that you continue to seek help. This is a good start. Take care.