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I’ve Really Done it This Time
Hello, in late October, after my then great therapist unilaterally decided to drop me as a client, I was beyond beside myself. I hit my head on my kitchen cabinet while getting something out of my oven,
. After it happened,I just kept moving, which is what I do… later while on the phone with my friend I reached back to the top of my head and realized it was “ bloodier than a stuck pig, at which point I called my insurance company “ virtual 24/7 care service.” The woman admonished me for taking 4 Norco in a 16 hour period ( i have chronic back pain and will be having surgery soon), and and said “ well you did not lose consciousness so you don’t have a concussion..” I knew better, but it was late, raining and the person I usually call “ just in case “ had dumped because she thought I had joined the wrong church…I recently joined the episcopal church in an effort to meet like minded people etc. In any case,I spent Election Day in the ER , and the CT SCAN was negative. However, the meds given by my neurologist caused early glaucoma, and now I have to get laser treatment. It’s all good, except for the fact that I feel like a wind up toy. My already existing anxiety has increased tenfold and I’m unable to relax. I’m walking five miles a day, it’s helping; however ,given it’s holiday season, I feel more depressed than normal, even though I my father died on Boxing Day in 1995. It’s just never been the same. And I’ve been staying with my big sister for the past three weeks, and we had the first argument ever. All because I was trying to help her…she screamed at me,” it’s your fault that you don’t have any family, just me..” Later I asked her, “ if all you feel is pity for me, then I don’t want you in my life…” Oh goodness, I have another sister who disowned me five years ago, and suddenly I feel totally abandoned and alone. I’ve made arrangements to try to connect with yet another therapist, but right now all of my feelings feel magnified by hundreds, and I know it’s because of my concussion. Does anyone have some suggestions for me? I’m listening to some great podcasts, walking eating the best stuff, but I’m so sad that I can’t even describe it. I’m sorry, I rarely feel so desperate, usually figuring out how to get through this, but right now I feel really alone and lost. Thank you for reading my post.
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I do not know want to say much expect I am sorry. With me when a string of negative events happen I remember STOP. Stop take a breath observe proceed with caution. Of course I have more skills. They involve focusing on changing me. No one else.
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1 Reactionin reply to @kb2014 Thanks. The walking and that thing where you do the "five senses" has proved very helpful. I really need to learn how to take care of myself, of a change. it is a process....And with the holidays, I think I am just going to stay inside with my dog's olive tree and talk to her. LOL
I am sorry you are experiencing this. In 2015 one year after my craniotomy I got involved with a church that was controlling judgemental etc. I was discussing with my husband today about me having any female friendships. Our discussion was insightful for me. We agreed " something" has happened to society where thus may be no longer realistic. I guess I am trying to say there are unsafe people . Once something unfortunate happens your vulnerabilities can place you at higher risk for other occurrences. Do you have a dog? I have 2. Anyone you can talk with via phone? Can you walk daily and safely where you live? What type of neurological or psychological issues might you have? I had to learn mine after my craniotomy. Some psychological issues were present before. Do you drive and could you go to see a Christmas display? Buy a small gift for yourself?
Family members who blame me are a red flag. I have had more than my fair share of it.
Yes, indeed. Even though my sister has a lot going on, I do believe she was being truthful about her comments about family. And for this reason, I am taking a step back from her and I will spend more time with people who treat me like a human being. My “ family “ seems stuck in the past; however, I have evolved from the past, and even though it took a lot of time and money, it was worth the sacrifice. I would rather have no family than constantly be reminded about the “ mistakes “ I may have made over 40 years ago. And that husband of hers, let’s just say that “ karma “ is real
Thank you. I’m doing a pretty good job walking 3 miles a day, trying to eat the right amount of food, but noticed I’ve lost weight, probably due to the stress of my family and the upcoming holiday. I’m still having trouble with concentration, spelling and things like that. I’ve joined the episcopal church, which has a very diverse group of people who don’t really care what I believe etc. Not like some churches that are judgmental about who does what or why. The meditation for the headaches was a huge mistake, but things are improving and I’m able to sleep at least seven hours a night without even taking the melatonin.
Because of my recent interaction with my sister, I am arranging to speak with yet another therapist after the first of the year. I would be lying if I said that I was not anxious about my health, given that I’m having a breast MRI on 12/27. Every female relative on my mother side of the family has either had breast cancer or died from it. I’ve had nine biopsies and I have been lucky enough that I don’t have cancer, and I don’t have the gene for it. Only the primary immune deficiency, for which I will be having further genetic testing in an effort to determine whether or not I am susceptible to the leukemia that killed my father the day after Christmas. Thank you for your support
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1 ReactionMammograms are tough. My mother died of breast cancer at 68 (I'm 70). The bloodwork is pretty easy to determine if you have MGUS or other susceptibility to blood cancers (I have MGUS). Cancer treatments are much better than the old days of a few years ago, and not knowing is still stressful. I hope that you can find ways to escape the stresses of life. I spend a lot of time with puzzles and other games because my word finding ability was damaged by a moderate TBI 31 years ago (left temporal lobe). Please give yourself a big hug for addressing your health issues, and hopefully you have a nice and stress-free Christmas.
I hope your upcoming testing goes well. I understand your comments about your family. To stop the transmission of transgenerstional trauma is very important to me. I let go of my birth family too. It has a cost but the cost is freedom. Self care was selfish whike I was raised. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself. If I could find a church where I felt comfortable I would go. I made several more attempts after the church experience I mentioned. It never worked. I may try again where my husband and I live. I did try one here already but some of the members referred to adverse childhood events as " Jesus is in control". I had an issue with that.