1. < Caregivers: Dementia

I feel like start running and not look back!

Posted by mariana739 @mariana739, Aug 10, 2024

Hello,
I haven't been back here for a while. Today is been a bad day seeing my husband behavior. He was diagnosed with MCD on Jan 2023, he’s been taking the pills since then, I never expected the pills to do a significant change BTW, his memory has gotten worse but it's not that what is driving me mad.
He spends all his waking hours, which sometimes go until 1-2am, working outside in the yard (this is AZ, 3 digits heat now) on his "projects". The problem is those projects always result in leaving the yard worse than it was, look at the photos. These are from the latest one: a water feature he was going to built among the retaining wall rocks. The first one is from when I thought he was finished with it, is nothing like you'd expect a water feature to be but I thought thanks God he’s done with it. The second photo is from today when he’s undone all that and he keeps digging
around for what? I don't know. Then he’s breaking the cement on the border of the patio bricks, if I ask why he draws a blank.
Selling the house would be the only way to get money in the event he lives long enough for the disease to get to the last stage and I won't accept to be his only caregiver since we have no family to rely on. I feel so stressed thinking how his doing will decrease the value of the house.
What can I do?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

nathandavid | @nathandavid | Dec 20, 2024
In reply to @celia16 "Indeed, trying to manage the behavior of someone with cognitive deficits is exhausting. It’s like herding..." + (show)
@celia16

Indeed, trying to manage the behavior of someone with cognitive deficits is exhausting. It’s like herding cats. Direct and constant supervision seems to work somewhat, but is still contentious. It’s so mentally draining.

I’m looking at facilities next week for my dad, which is not ideal, due to holidays, but the only time I’ll be available due to work. Caregiving, plus my business is taking up so much time. It’s overwhelming. Because my dad is so resistant to home health care, I have to be there to supervise and support my mom. My dad normally listens to her, but not on this. She is majorly stressed over it. When I can’t be there must get a friend or family member to be there…..a major disruption due to resistance to care. Just not sustainable.

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Has the Home Health Care agency sent different staff members with different personalities to see if one clicks with your Dad? I doubt the others are harsh or disrespectful but maybe a different approach with him would work. I dealt with this with my Dad but one clicked with him and they'd chat about different things and he allowed her to shave him etc. She was sent by God! Mom was different as she loved anyone who helped her life be better.

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nathandavid | @nathandavid | Dec 20, 2024

Do you know someone who kind of does this type of "work" and can speak with him and draw up a plan of sorts and see if he will follow the suggestions all the while actually building something even small that is pleasing to his eyes and everyone else's. Let him draw the "plans" and show it to the other person first.

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mariana739 | @mariana739 | Dec 20, 2024
In reply to @nathandavid "Do you know someone who kind of does this type of "work" and can speak with..." + (show)
@nathandavid

Do you know someone who kind of does this type of "work" and can speak with him and draw up a plan of sorts and see if he will follow the suggestions all the while actually building something even small that is pleasing to his eyes and everyone else's. Let him draw the "plans" and show it to the other person first.

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Hi,
Actually, by now he has abandoned the project which is good. But thank you for your suggestion.

REPLY
celia16 | @celia16 | Dec 21, 2024
In reply to @nathandavid "Has the Home Health Care agency sent different staff members with different personalities to see if..." + (show)
@nathandavid

Has the Home Health Care agency sent different staff members with different personalities to see if one clicks with your Dad? I doubt the others are harsh or disrespectful but maybe a different approach with him would work. I dealt with this with my Dad but one clicked with him and they'd chat about different things and he allowed her to shave him etc. She was sent by God! Mom was different as she loved anyone who helped her life be better.

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That’s a great idea, but this CNA is ideal. He’s religious, friendly, laughs at daddy’s jokes….couldn’t be a better fit. Daddy even resisted help from the housecleaners who came several times. And they were long time family friends who he has known and loved since their childhood! Still fussed about them being in his bedroom. No one could please him. Both of my patents are control freaks.

My brother was firm with him and he seems to be a little better. Last visit I had work and couldn’t be present, so one of my nieces came to be with my mom.

These last couple of days have been very overwhelming. It’s too much work for me. I’m going to look for a place for them both. Unless in bed, they need continuous care. I had to cancel my work day to accommodate last minute plans she made without consulting me to entertain most of our family for a holiday celebration in the home today! I thought I had until 25th. So, last minute shopping, cooking, banking,…..

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celia16 | @celia16 | Dec 21, 2024
In reply to @mariana739 "That's exactly what makes me loose sleep. My husband has always been very stubborn and proud..." + (show)
@mariana739

That's exactly what makes me loose sleep. My husband has always been very stubborn and proud of his independence, if he lives long enough for the dementia to advance I'm sure he'd still refuse to move anywhere.
Everybody tells me the way to make it easier is to take advantage from a hospital or ER stay and instead of bringing him home have him transfer to the care home. But how do you do that if you usually have to put the person's name on a waiting list in advance ?

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Based on what I’ve seen, in these situations, the hospital social worker helps a lot. Once they know the situation and what the long term plans are, they will reach out to the places that may have availability. Normally, the patient is transferred for rehab. That’s required for Medicare to cover the initial stay, from my understanding. They know the staff at these facilities and seem to work magic. In my state, most of the places that have rehab are nursing homes, but they may have an attached Memory Care or their own dementia unit.

For people who are unmanageable and resistant, there are legal remedies to gain control, but it’s not ideal. Still, an option though.

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | Dec 23, 2024
In reply to @rubyredkate "mariana739, Hi, my heart hurts for you. Is there any friends or family who can help..." + (show)
@rubyredkate

mariana739,
Hi, my heart hurts for you. Is there any friends or family who can help him look at his projects and create a plan? Maybe he will be accountable to them? I know somedays he will be stubborn but perhaps at times it will help you.
I too experience many same issues. My husband asks for my opinion but rarely takes it. I told my friend its like being verbally badgered until he gets the answer he seeks. Very exhausting. Im learning to let go of an organized home, or home improvements.
I think the one characteristic that hurts the most is how he truly believes I'm at fault for an argument when im not. I do have too many days when im grumpy and that’s on me. But when he is irritable and his memory can’t see the situation correctly i feel so helpless. All i can do is get out of the house. He thinks I'm his personal assistant and at his beck-n-call every minute if the day, even when he’s being a jerk.
I tell myself he can’t remember conversations but it’s still very lonely and frustrating.

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I totally get it! Caregiving is one of the loneliest jobs you will ever be tired of being his victim when I don't deserve it!

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | Dec 24, 2024
In reply to @rubyredkate "mariana739, Hi, my heart hurts for you. Is there any friends or family who can help..." + (show)
@rubyredkate

mariana739,
Hi, my heart hurts for you. Is there any friends or family who can help him look at his projects and create a plan? Maybe he will be accountable to them? I know somedays he will be stubborn but perhaps at times it will help you.
I too experience many same issues. My husband asks for my opinion but rarely takes it. I told my friend its like being verbally badgered until he gets the answer he seeks. Very exhausting. Im learning to let go of an organized home, or home improvements.
I think the one characteristic that hurts the most is how he truly believes I'm at fault for an argument when im not. I do have too many days when im grumpy and that’s on me. But when he is irritable and his memory can’t see the situation correctly i feel so helpless. All i can do is get out of the house. He thinks I'm his personal assistant and at his beck-n-call every minute if the day, even when he’s being a jerk.
I tell myself he can’t remember conversations but it’s still very lonely and frustrating.

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It sounds like you have alot on your shoulders. My heart goes out to you. I experience the things that you describe. Sometimes it's feels like you are with a person who is very manipulative and sometimes so mean! If it was not for the fact that he was not always like this I am not sure what I would do! Sometimes I just need someone to understand! Hugs to you !

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