Just can't handle this any more

Oh my dear kartwk--first, when he makes you miss your support group--there are volunteers and agencies that take seniors to doctors. Find one--we have Via here, a small van that does that. Who makes these appointments? If he doesn't himself, he should; that might slow down their frequency. Out of love and duty, you are doing too much to support his hypochondria (in my opinion).
Second, just say no to the grocery. When he asks, "What else are you doing?" say you are seeing your boyfriend. That's extreme and mean spirited of me, and probably just venting over your situation. Maybe just saying, getting away from you for a bit. But you must stick up for yourself. And see a doctor for yourself--by yourself. Even his doctor, when you can be honest and ask for help for him; the doctor seems to have noticed your weariness. You need outside help; you are such a articulate and interesting--and even humorous some times-- writer (someday you should put these posts together and publish them)--and trying so hard to get through this situation--but you are most likely immobilized by the stress and just hard work. It's not easy to muster up the energy to do something for yourself, but THERE'S NO ONE ELSE to do it for you.
I have a friend who has a similar situation, but her husband is not mean. He sees doctors all the time, wants a new one when the old ones tell him he has to soldier through his aches and pains--they have done everything they can (pain mgmt device and sleep apnea device implanted, for example--then they don't work right of course)--she takes him to physical therapy; he takes medication for dementia; etc. I wonder if these characteristics are similar to some of those mentally challenged. I get grumpy with her too for doing too much...
Obviously your husband is scared to death and realizes on some level that he has lost control--and has negative ways to deal with it. If you have any financial resources of your own and can get out of there--or at least make plans to--think about it. Martyrdom is not all it's cracked up to be. Give yourself some positive ideas that you are in control of. You deserve a life too, with just the normal stresses of age, health, etc., not the overwhelming tasks of dealing with a physically--and worse, mentally--ill person 24 hours a day. Don't wait for a crisis; you can do this. We all care about you, Carrie PS--put up one little Christmas decoration--to encourage yourself.

Oh my dear kartwk--first, when he makes you miss your support group--there are volunteers and agencies that take seniors to doctors. Find one--we have Via here, a small van that does that. Who makes these appointments? If he doesn't himself, he should; that might slow down their frequency. Out of love and duty, you are doing too much to support his hypochondria (in my opinion).
Second, just say no to the grocery. When he asks, "What else are you doing?" say you are seeing your boyfriend. That's extreme and mean spirited of me, and probably just venting over your situation. Maybe just saying, getting away from you for a bit. But you must stick up for yourself. And see a doctor for yourself--by yourself. Even his doctor, when you can be honest and ask for help for him; the doctor seems to have noticed your weariness. You need outside help; you are such a articulate and interesting--and even humorous some times-- writer (someday you should put these posts together and publish them)--and trying so hard to get through this situation--but you are most likely immobilized by the stress and just hard work. It's not easy to muster up the energy to do something for yourself, but THERE'S NO ONE ELSE to do it for you.
I have a friend who has a similar situation, but her husband is not mean. He sees doctors all the time, wants a new one when the old ones tell him he has to soldier through his aches and pains--they have done everything they can (pain mgmt device and sleep apnea device implanted, for example--then they don't work right of course)--she takes him to physical therapy; he takes medication for dementia; etc. I wonder if these characteristics are similar to some of those mentally challenged. I get grumpy with her too for doing too much...
Obviously your husband is scared to death and realizes on some level that he has lost control--and has negative ways to deal with it. If you have any financial resources of your own and can get out of there--or at least make plans to--think about it. Martyrdom is not all it's cracked up to be. Give yourself some positive ideas that you are in control of. You deserve a life too, with just the normal stresses of age, health, etc., not the overwhelming tasks of dealing with a physically--and worse, mentally--ill person 24 hours a day. Don't wait for a crisis; you can do this. We all care about you, Carrie PS--put up one little Christmas decoration--to encourage yourself.

Carrie 40 - THANK YOU. Just when I needed something this morning.

You said: "If you have any financial resources of your own and can get out of there--or at least make plans to--think about it. Martyrdom is not all it's cracked up to be"

I have been thinking about that very seriously. Have a few lawyers I am calling tomorrow. This can't go on.

I hate to moan, but I just can't take it any more. This morning was another battle. Of course he never is wrong, it is me. Because I confronted him, he now is going to get a lawyer tomorrow. GOOD! He has no feelings or concerns about what this is doing to me and my health mentally and physically. I am embarrassed to write the next because I know better. A few months back he was going through his usual litany and I asked about all the inhalers he gets and then refuses to use. He actually said: "What do you know, you are f***ing useless!" Yes, I know and I was shocked. He has never apologized even when I told him how much it hurt me. And it sure has changed things with me. He had never said any such thing to me before and we have been married 30 years!

Without getting too much into it, and please allow me to talk here, his daughter scares the begesus out of me. Has for a long time. He always brushes off her behaviors and nothing, I am just picking on her, etc.

Several years back I had something she wanted, a set of crystal paperweights. I was selling them - hey we all need cash in our old age and they are expensive. When I didn't give them to her, she waited until I was next to her and then deliberately hip bumped me, so I almost fell over (remember I am unsteady as it is) and walked away. I confronted her and she claimed I was mistaken. H, well he just shrugged his shoulders and said she said she didn't do anything. I have already posted some of the other things. Do you know she didn't invite her own Father (or me) to her son's wedding! Yep. Now that she is trying to get executorship of his will she claims that never happened. And guess what, H goes along with what she says? Carrie, I am not crazy and I don't make things up.

When I told H I was afraid of her because of her past actions his response was: "well, that was in the past forget it". I couldn't get him to understand that the way someone acts to you in the past is how they act to you in the future.

There is something definitely wrong with his daughter. I am not just saying that because I am a SM or have a grudge, something is off.

I am thinking about a separation and HE is going to be the one leaving the house, not me. IMHO, possion is 10 10ths of the law.

My dear, as Nike would say--JUST DO IT! Make one step forward.
Can you imagine what your life would be like without "them." Daughter is scary--and if money is involved, even scarier. Love and courage, Carrie

Carrie 40 - THANK YOU. Just when I needed something this morning.

You said: "If you have any financial resources of your own and can get out of there--or at least make plans to--think about it. Martyrdom is not all it's cracked up to be"

I have been thinking about that very seriously. Have a few lawyers I am calling tomorrow. This can't go on.

I hate to moan, but I just can't take it any more. This morning was another battle. Of course he never is wrong, it is me. Because I confronted him, he now is going to get a lawyer tomorrow. GOOD! He has no feelings or concerns about what this is doing to me and my health mentally and physically. I am embarrassed to write the next because I know better. A few months back he was going through his usual litany and I asked about all the inhalers he gets and then refuses to use. He actually said: "What do you know, you are f***ing useless!" Yes, I know and I was shocked. He has never apologized even when I told him how much it hurt me. And it sure has changed things with me. He had never said any such thing to me before and we have been married 30 years!

Without getting too much into it, and please allow me to talk here, his daughter scares the begesus out of me. Has for a long time. He always brushes off her behaviors and nothing, I am just picking on her, etc.

Several years back I had something she wanted, a set of crystal paperweights. I was selling them - hey we all need cash in our old age and they are expensive. When I didn't give them to her, she waited until I was next to her and then deliberately hip bumped me, so I almost fell over (remember I am unsteady as it is) and walked away. I confronted her and she claimed I was mistaken. H, well he just shrugged his shoulders and said she said she didn't do anything. I have already posted some of the other things. Do you know she didn't invite her own Father (or me) to her son's wedding! Yep. Now that she is trying to get executorship of his will she claims that never happened. And guess what, H goes along with what she says? Carrie, I am not crazy and I don't make things up.

When I told H I was afraid of her because of her past actions his response was: "well, that was in the past forget it". I couldn't get him to understand that the way someone acts to you in the past is how they act to you in the future.

There is something definitely wrong with his daughter. I am not just saying that because I am a SM or have a grudge, something is off.

I am thinking about a separation and HE is going to be the one leaving the house, not me. IMHO, possion is 10 10ths of the law.

With that daughter in the mix, please get out. My husband is just like yours, but our son who lives in the house protects me and helps. This sounds like you are not safe. Please think of yourself and protect YOU.