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Cancer destroying what's left of our marriage and life
I need to vent and hopefully get some help. Hubby was always mean-spirited, controlling, acerbic and very negative; I am the complete opposite ("yin and yang", if you will). We've had a splendid time together, lots of fun and memories. It all came crashing down w/ the diagnosis of T3 esophageal cancer February of this year.
Chemo & Radiation started immediately, and he did really good with both! I was not working, so, I was his full time nurse and caregiver, friend, ally. I took this role on with glee, because, he's a strong dude and I know that even w/ it being stage 3, there is still hope.
Surgery in May removed "everything"; recovery has been slow, but - going very well. Was released home 7 days later and just got his feeding tube out. Is trying to maintain weight.
The problem is, I cannot take his meanness, insults and generally very angry, hateful abuse any more. I started working a week after his surgery (lots of reasons, but let's just say it's a MARVELOUS job and it was much needed after being homebound for so long). I can "escape" now while at work. But when I get home at night, and oh lord the weekends... I have almost taken the dog and stayed at a hotel just to truly escape.
He will follow me (slowly...) around and yell, I've had things thrown at me, he's punched the dog. Threatens suicide non-stop. I was HOPING that since he's been blessed with this recovery time and eating food, AND I have this great job now - that he would have SOME happiness. It's all shot to hell and just gone.
I tried to explain how I feel. I do NOT want to leave him. I want my husband back! But my fear is, the cancer is showing 'who he really is', and this monster is going to be here forevermore, until death.
I also made a promise (vows are very serious), til death do we part, and I intend on following through. I guess I just miss the old him, and, according to him - the old him is gone, our life is over, he will never get better.
The 3-month scan is next week (to light up anywhere the cancer may have traveled)... it was in his lymph nodes, and, the tumor itself was still 30% "alive" when it was cut out.
I am on pins and needles, because I know the 'new him' will be super negative even IF the scan shows "no tumors" or spread. And it is tearing me apart. I feel he should count his blessings, be happy he is still above ground.
Go outside and look at my beautiful flowers, walk the dog with me, even just go for a ride, go sit at a park like we used to. I have been doing what others have told me to do --- carve out "me time", do things for myself, do NOT forget that I am still alive to. Trouble is, he's given up... and I feel like I have to, too.
I did put my foot down re: the violence, and that I would call 911 if I need to. Cancer or not, violence is not welcome in our home. I at least can outrun him (he's lost a LOT of weight and is very weak) when he gets his anger outbursts.
Sorry for the long post, just hoping to hear from other Caregivers who are living in a nightmare, looking over the shoulder wanting what once was. Looking at our wedding pictures around the house and our past 18 yrs together is heartbreaking.
It's like Cancer already killed him, and he's just waiting for Death to carry him away. I am so sad. 🙁
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Sorry! Thought this was in reply to my husband throwing hospice out. I agree this person is not acting right at all.
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1 Reaction@allie9124, I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping that palliative care might have a pain management solution.
Another suggestion, might be to inquire about oncology social work. Read more here:
- How an Oncology Social Worker Can Help https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/cancer-education-center/newsfeed-post/how-an-oncology-social-worker-can-help/
Oncology social workers offer help to family members, not only the patient. Here's an excerpt from the article linked above:
"People living with cancer have questions about how their treatment will affect their relationship with their spouse or partner, as well as with their children or other family members. An oncology social worker can provide couples and other relationship counseling, during which people with cancer and their partners or family members may talk about the emotional changes they are going through, how they want to handle those changes, and what kind of support they want from each other and from other people."
Additionally, a social work might be able to help with the insurance.
Allie, it's hard to deal with this on your own. Do you think it might help to talk to someone?
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2 ReactionsSo sorry to hear that your marriage ended this way. But you did say that his personality wasn't the nicest. You deserve relief from this type of lifestyle. No one should have to put up with this kind of abuse. I realize that your vows are important to you, but not at risk of your own safety. You did the right thing. I would have done the same thing also. My husband has stage iv lung cancer and sometimes he will say hateful and hurting things, but he is not abusive. Not saying that the cancer treatments will never cause him to be abusive. He does apologize afterwards. He has not always been easy to live with. But not to the extent of what you had to put up with. I pray that you and your pup will be safe and enjoy your life without worrying about him.
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1 ReactionI am so sick and tired of dealing with my husbands stage four sclc. Even though I have been dealing with his stage four sclc with him for almost three years, my lack of support has made me feel suicidal. I keep thinking of ways end my life and I AM IN THERAPY but all I can see is no way out of this nightmare but death. We don't have friends and few family members and they aren't understanding. We never took vacations and now it isnt possible. I FIND MYSELF RESENTFUL OF ALL THE COUPLES RUNING AROUND HAVING A GOOD TIME when we are stuck and cant go or do things because of it in his brain and needing a walker.
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3 ReactionsI understand fully what cancer does to the body and mind. My husband has had Stage 4 prostate cancer then it went to pelvis and now the spine. When diagnosed I called my sister (16 yrs younger than me) I am 74 yrs young and asked her for her Love & support. She doesnt even call to see how He is doing Also have a 47 & 50 yr old sons. They hardly come.
The younger one thinks selfishly about his scheduled social life. The older lives 2 hrs from us. He says he cannot come d)own every other week> We wonder how he is teaching our high school age grandson about Life & Death.
I also developed Fibromyalgia about 1 yr ago with severe pain including anxiety and depression.
We wonder where is the Compassion in this World! We finally found a church that has wonderful caring indi iduals. We certainly dont find it in the people we have known for 50 years. I also go to two therapists. Now the doctors want to do a drug that possibly have bad side effects for him. I am feeling emotional and burning out! I also do not sleep. My husband sleeps like a baby. He will cook but do nothing else. What to do? It is very difficult to be the sole support and caregiver. I pray for anyone or all in this situation. By the way, I am blessed that doctors may give my husband more God Given Life. I was ready for him to go the last time they said that the cancer had spread and they couldnt do anything more for him, I should Not even Think This Way. I Need Help.
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3 ReactionsLeave him and save yourself. No one should put up with violence or the threat of it. No matter what.
@wendymykkanen
WE HAVE ZERO SUPPORT. We tried a different church and it is non denominational and we have mixed feeling on this. We didn.t go today but went last week, I am in a serious depression
and am constantly feeling suicidal, I made my husband my whole world and now I am having trouble coping with this, no children, Early 60s. I think everyone on this board is older then me
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1 Reaction@wendymykkanen Oh I'm so sorry you are going through all this! How about your family, are they any help? It must be so hard to keep doing all you are doing. I don't know your beliefs but maybe there is a church nearby where you could talk to someone?