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wife thinks I am her father-in-law and asks where her husband is

Posted by DanL @tunared, Sep 5 9:50am

a new step in my wife's progression and I don't know how to handle it. My wife thinks I am her father-in-law and asks where her husband is. She even got out a photo album of our marriage ceremony (50+ years ago) and points out my father and says that's me. then she asks where her husband is. I'm very careful with her questions but sometimes I'm confused as to how to answer her. She has an appointment with a new neurologist in 2 weeks and I'm wondering if I should ask for a quicker appt? I called our son and asked him for advice but he's also at a loss on how to answer some of her questions. any hints?

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1995victoria | @1995victoria | Sep 7 10:40am

How about filling the wine bottle with grape juice? I'm so sorry for your situation. I also learned trying to correct doesn't get you or your spouse any where. Change the subject, my cousin doesn't know who I am, but it's ok. When she asks a question, I'll ask her what she thinks and tell her she is right. Makes her calm and relax. My brother didn't know me the last 2 years. I always thought he was preparing me for his departure.
Big hug, accept the things you cannot change.....

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jehjeh | @jehjeh | Sep 7 10:42am
In reply to @jprust "I am a retired Speech/Language Pathologist that worked with people with dementia. There is something called..." + (show)
@jprust

I am a retired Speech/Language Pathologist that worked with people with dementia. There is something called Validation Therapy that is very helpful.
First though, dementia robs the most recent memories first. So if they think you are your father it is because you look like them now. They remember the younger you. Usually the recall is best from when they were in their 30’s to 40’s.
Rather than trying to correct them, which is scary to them, try to empathize. Saying, “what would you say to (name) if they were here right now?” Or, “If (name) were here what do they do that you really like?” Then you can do those things-like brushing hair, holding hands, going for a walk, doing a simple task together.
If they say that their spouse would take them home, you can ask them what do they like about home.
It is difficult when they don’t remember you especially if you feel like all those years together are gone. It has nothing to do with the value of those years. It is destruction of their brain.
Talking with people that are caring for a spouse at home helps. They have told me that a very rigid schedule that is the same every day really helps. “Now we eat breakfast. Now we wash up. Now we go for a walk at the Y. Now we have coffee and visit.
I hope some of this information is comforting and helpful. As my friend said with a spouse with early onset dementia, “It’s not fair”

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Lately, my husband has thought I was a caregiver who happened to have the same name as his wife. He says I kind of look like her and yesterday he realized I was wearing a blouse just like one she wears. There have been a few of these episodes and yesterday I finally remembered not to try and explain that I am his wife. The last time I did that he became very upset and cried because it confused him. It wasn't easy coming up with stories to answer his questions but I'm learning. I can't distract him or steer the conversation another way, he's persistent. The silver lining is when he tells his "caregiver" (me) all about his beautiful, wonderful wife. 😀

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blip4891 | @blip4891 | 5 days ago

Thank you all for your experiences and perspectives. I am anticipating this to happen eventually, as I have been with my husband for about nine years but married him less than 5 years ago when I thought the glitches I saw were just ADD (there is no family history of Alz). I am his third wife and I know at some point he will ask for wife #2 and then perhaps to wife #1. Right now I am trying to record when he says sweet things to me on my phone so I can return to them. Maybe they will be comforting, though I anticipate they will be too hard to listen to for a while.

Not dissimilar to "When the brain is broken, logic doesn't work" is something a psychiatrist friend told me which is "Every day is normal for him, but you see the differences. And you're not wrong." It helps me feel less crazy when his brain cycles through what seems pretty normal, and then not. It also helps me to be patient when he transitions between these states.

@jprust Thank you for your ideas and recommendations too.

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billiekip | @billiekip | 4 days ago

Throw logic out the window. When my husband wanted to visit his mom who has been dead for 20 years and also didn't know who I was, I got out certificates of proof. I showed him his mom's death certificate, our marriage certificate; all in the hopes of helping him back on the rails. His comment was, "You have made a good case for yourself." I realize looking back, I could have saved myself frustration and angst by just smiling and going along with his skewed thoughts. No matter who your loved one thinks you are, you bring comfort by being there and taking care of him/her. Let it go and save yourself the aggravation.

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elliottw | @elliottw | 4 days ago

We have a second bedroom in our house for guests and my wife keeps it sparkling. Every few weeks at about 9pm she'll ask, "Are you staying over? I've made up the bedroom" and she has turned down the covers. I tell her calmly, "Oh that's okay, but I'll be sleeping in our bed tonite." And she'll nod and say, "Oh, I like that better." Every dinner time she'll ask how many are coming for dinner and I say, "Just you and me tonite."

I have a daughter with an autistic son who's 7. She told me one day when he says something like "Blue Giraffe" while they are riding to school that she realized that is just something he will say and so she replied to him, "Yes, Blue Giraffe" in an affirmative voice. My daughter and I have learned to accept what is. (and her son taught himself to read by 5 and when he was 2 he would whisper in my ear and count to 100).

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joedeb | @joedeb | 20 hours ago

Medicallly called Capgras syndrome I think. My wife does it all the time. There are 2 of me. She doesn't fear the other guy, she does talks to me and says Joe is going to do this or that. I at first would get frustrated or just tell her she is wrong. That just produced frustration. She's convinced she's right. I picked up a term somewhere, in my search for answers, called theraputic fibbing. Sound like its what your doing. I think it helps me and my wife.

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