I survived suicide attempts

@overwhelmed

It's been a long time since we communicated, and I wonder how you're doing. I'm thankful for the pain relief from the spinal cord stimulator, though it hasn't totally eliminated it. Right now, after a day in town for an appointment with the ENT doctor, and hours of shopping with my wife, my feet are hurting. Last night, I ate 3 cannabrownies before bed, and it certainly helped.

I like my therapist. He's a great listener, and has been a real help getting me back to a safe place and getting the depression level up enough so I can function. I had the stimulator trial implant, then 2 cataract surgeries, and the implant, and after each thing, I couldn't bend, twist or lift any weight for a week, and 6 weeks after the implant. That really set me back with all of the yard work, so I finally was able to mow the ankle high lawns, and pull knee high weeds from the garden, orchard, multiple flower beds, and at the same time, deal with 14 traps in the pasture to reduce the huge ground squirrel population and the gophers and moles in the yard. I'm still fighting the moles, etc., in the yard. By now, I spend a lot of time watering and weeding. It's been so hot here that I can't skip a day.

I know I ramble. I really started this note just to find out how you're doing. So, it's time for me to stop writing and go outside and move hoses.

Jim

Perhaps we are too depressed to communicate anything helpful or positive...or, could be everyone is busy. If wishes were horses beggars would ride.

I am glad to find this group. My heart goes out to those who become convinced that ending their life is a better alternative than the pain of the hopeless darkness that lies ahead. I totally and unexpectedly lost a wonderful son at the age of 20 to suicide. I too have been affected by what I refer to as the "demons of darkness" (depression). I too have felt experienced the feelings of hopelessness. Following our son's death, I question the entire meaning of life. My entire belief system was turned inside out. I don't know what to believe, who to believe, etc. I live in constant fear that another son who has struggled for years with addiction and alcoholism will end his life over the guilt of his brother's death. I simply ask anyone who has considered suicide or who has attempted it to please consider the impact it would have on so many people. Clearly, the mind convinces us that nobody would care, and people would be better off -- but it simply is not true. I know. I am truly amazed to find out how many people contemplate the decision at points in their lives. We are not alone. If someone in that situation is reading this, please seek help. Please talk with someone. I know your pain is great, but consider for a moment the pain of the lives you leave behind. I have mixed feelings writing this, because I have know the hopelessness you feel. Hang on for the people in your life. We owe it to them.

You're right, @parus. I've been more depressed lately, and after I went to the hospital lab this morning for a blood draw, I came home and am in bed. I feel weak and tired and flat. I'm only going to respond to your post and take a nap. I know, @tbaxter33, that several people, especially my wife and adult kids, would have a hard time dealing with my death, more so if it came by my own hand. As I've said before, when I'm deeply depressed and suicidal, my brain somehow just manages to look right past the reasons for living, as if they were invisible or didn't exist.

Jim

Part of (I hope) what is going on for me is a new PCP playing around w/ my thyroid medication. Numbers don't lie...bull twinkies!!! I only take one med-probably have mentioned this before-can't change it, can't fix it". Forget trying to make any sense...be compliant and don't ask questions. My thyroid was murdered when I was 28 saying I had hyperthyroidism...gained 20 lbs. In 2 wks and wondered why. I have no symptoms of hypothyroidism-yet.
Can't say something good then say nothing, "NOTHING"!
Truly am sad so many of us are struggling. Going back to my bed and beat a pillow. Yes, the mind is our enemy at times.

Hello @tbaxter33 and welcome to Mayo Connect

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your son. How very difficult for you and your family. Please accept my condolences. I appreciate your entering into this conversation. As we share our experiences, as difficult as they are, we can learn from each other.

If you care to share more about yourself, we would like to get to know you better. For example, how long ago did your son die? Have you found any helpful coping strategies that you could share with us?

Teresa

Therapy is going well for me. I have established a good relationship with my therapist and she adjusts the frequency of how often we meet based on how well

I am doing.

Hi Jim, thanks for thinking of me. I have not been on in a while even in some of the other groups. My health has been deteriorating more & more lately. I also just finished getting the last three of my teeth removed ( a result of having severe dry mouth, a side effect of my medications). I have been told that dentures for me will be approximately $30k!!! This Once again is due to the medications giving me dry mouth. Since I barely have any saliva my mouth cannot hold in normal dentures!! I need bone graphs & almost snap like things that hold the dentures to the top & bottom of my mouth. I am not sure that I have that kind of money to spend, especially on myself. I have had to get a lot of work done around my house & that is not cheap. I am also trying to stay in my house as long as I can but unfortunately it is a two storey so I am going to need an electronic chair to get me up & down soon!! The stairs are the hardest thing for me! Before I can do that I need to redo all of my floors (more $$$) not just because my house is almost 20 years old and the carpet is really due. Plus I can't use my scooter on carpet. So far it h as been difficult doing an

Hello@overwhelmed

Thank you for your response to Jim's @jimhd post to you. I'm glad that you updated us. It sounds as if you have been experiencing a lot of problems, including many that require large expenditures of money. We all know how difficult those kinds of problems can be.

You say that you want to stay in your own home as long as you can and that is certainly understandable. Are there any options for you to move to a one story condo or house that could be more accessible for your current needs? Do you have family or friends who might be able to help you to transition to housing that would be more accessible?

Teresa

It can be hard to explain to someone who's never been there, how things can become more and more difficult as they pile up on us. When we moved into our new house 11 years ago, we were just happy to have a place that we owned again, but it soon became apparent that some things needed attention. We signed up for a senior and disabled energy audit, and after their inspection, a crew showed up one day and super insulated the crawlspace and attic. For free! !!! Then they sent someone else to look at health and safety issues, and ended up doing a bunch of work. Carpet was replaced with Pergo flooring because previous owners had animals that soiled the carpet, and it wasn't helping our allergies. The roof was rapidly deteriorating due to windy environment, doors and windows were old (aluminum) and inefficient, and we couldn't afford to use the electric furnace. So, we have a new metal roof, new doors and windows, and an oil-fired stove in the family room that heats the whole house. We had enough roofing left to do the detached garage, as well. They also added a second set of stairs on the deck.

There was no way we could have afforded to do all of this, but they gave us a low income loan, with interest based on our income. (I think it's 1%, to be repaid after 20 years, or if we sell the house. In the meantime, we don't have to make any payments! ) I don't know your financial situation, but senior services might help you with finding ways to do everything.

Habitat for Humanity came one day with a big crew of volunteers after I'd been in the hospital, and did a bunch of work that I wasn't able to do at that time. They put up a fence around the garden to keep the deer out, built a shed that enclosed our pressure system for the well, and did some landscape projects around the place.

God has blessed us through some good people. If I lived near you, I'd work with a group of fellow volunteers to help you, and I know that I'm not the only person who'd be happy to do so.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know that God does, and he'll provide for you as he has us.

Jim