Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

My issue is not as severe as those I am reading about but….. we have an adult son in his 40’s. He is hard to communicate with. He lives across the country from us but his work enables him to visit frequently, for weeks (or occasionally a couple of months) at a time. While he a a very good guy with a big heart he is also quite fixed in how things should be. He says things like:
Our yard isn’t as well cared for as others in the neighborhood, my husband leaves everything to me, or if he does something it’s only done half way, why don’t we get something repaired, and so on.
He is on us regularly when here about home maintenance, our relationship (hubby and me), how we organize things ( or in some cases don’t organize them), why we live with some things not working ( fan over the stove is an example). We eventually get things fix but unless something is critical we don’t rush right out for repair. It is very hard to communicate to him that we have 52 years of marriage behind us, raised 2 successful and kind children, are ok with how we relate to each other and with the time we take for getting things done. At 75 years old we don’t much care for what others think about our yard, how efficient we are, or how we act with each other. . You can’t argue with him, he’s always right. This post is because this AM we had a blow up and I just can’t take it. He will be here for 3 weeks. He says he comes so he can help us. Yet, I asked him to go to a Dr. appointment my husband about a 45 minute drive away on day he is free. My husband is having some memory issues on occasion and can also be uncomfortable after these visits, so I always drive him. First he wanted to be sure his dad would drive the car, then if they could stop on the way home at a couple of places in that area, then, if not, could they leave earlier so they could stop at the places, then eventually, it was his “off day” so he would might get up early to go to the gym and should be home to leave on time (10:15 AM). I finally said to forget it. I’d cancel what I had to do and take my husband. That started our the blow up. I usually just go with what my son wants so to avoid confrontation since I know he will be going home, but at this stage I’m just tired of putting up with it. Ended with him telling me I was passive aggressive and should look at my ego and how I respond to things, closing the door and saying kindly he wanted to give me some time to myself.
Any advice for dealing with regularly occurring differences of opinion, or dealing with adult kids who think they are right and you just don’t do much of anything right, is appreciated.

Well, I can certainly relate to a lot of what you wrote, ead. My son is 40 and there is so much going on with him but I certainly understand it when you say - your son is always right. My son is the same way. If I do gently criticize him or have a different outlook on an issue - he is like a time bomb and will always throw my words right back to me.......when we had our blow up I said "I am tired of walking on eggshells with you!" His reply??
No surprise.
He threw the same words back to me and reversed it. This is his MO now. Never like this before but if you been reading my posts you know the seriousness of his situation and my heartbreak. When he was here for 12 days last year for the holidays, I was actually physically sick because of him. I could barely eat. I had to go along with his behaviors which bordered on rudeness and disrespect. My husband (his step-father) kept telling me to "keep the peace" as he didn't want my son and I in an all out war because I am not well and my husband was trying to protect me from stress. Which I had anyway. And there certainly could have been a war, I was so fed up with him. I, too, felt he was leaving to go back to home and wanted him to leave on a "good note"...so I let things go. But how I suffered! Ironically my son says I am "dramatic" and also passive-aggressive...during our blow up he actually said I was "abusive"...I was beyond shocked! But the fact is I am dealing what apparently seems to be a serious mental health issue with him. So my problem is different than yours but there are similar characteristics in both of our sons. Especially their feeling that "they are always right"....I could go on.
I don't have an answer for you. But it is certainly not fair or right for our adult sons to make us upset especially now we are "seniors"...dealing with health issues and aging, etc. But we both know life is anything but fair.
Take care of YOURSELF. You must. And the heck with his "why don't you do this, why don't you do that" baloney.
Gently stand your ground with him and hopefully he will understand you and your husband. And accept both of you just as you are at this point in your life. You are not alone by any means!

@briarrose and @ead, As with my son, he also argues EVERYTHING I say. If everything points to something being the color black, he will somehow argue it is white. I feel like it may be due to him not feeling like he has a lot of control in his life, that the universe is against him, and that's 'just the way it is" and has "excepted it." (Whoa is me). This has shaped his personality, lacking the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. If he is feeling crumby than others should too. As with Narcissism, behind the mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. I have started to ask "what" questions. Example: What has you wanting to belittle me? What has you wanting to hurt my feelings? What is it about that, that has you raising your voice?
Or perhaps turn the tables: "Not having the fan work over the stove (or whatever isn't working) must really bother you, for you to have to mention it. Feel free to head to the store and buy what you need to fix it. Your dad and I really appreciate you noticing and your willingness to help." Just a thought.

I love my son but he is hard to live with (always has been)! I so appreciate your response and the advice. Today my mental health is much better. Yesterday the whole thing really upset me because as much as we try we keep not meeting the other one’s expectations. My son does listen and he does apologize when he should most of the time. I agree about the insecurity. I have often felt he feels he doesn’t measure up. Such a shame since at heart he is a soft and considerate person. He just can’t deal with things that are not the way he thinks they should be. Thank you again for the response.

Thank you! I get what you are saying. It is hard to put ourselves first over our children. I just said to my husband yesterday that I cannot deal with the stress anymore. I'm working on peace for myself. And I do intend to find a way to have it! Actually most of the time I do, but the son story seems to be like those many season shows on Netflix with many episodes. Thank you again. Be well.

Kelly62...thank you kindly for your thoughts on this subject with "our sons". I often think my son should have been a defense lawyer b/c he excels at arguing and can twist things so very well.
I actually have printed out your "what" questions. Your thoughts on this issue is spot on!
Not confrontational - because we know...been there, done that - and it doesn't work.
But getting to the heart of the matter. Yes, I certainly feel my son lost control when he was gaslighted by his new boss and lost a job he loved. Simply b/c he excelled in it and his new boss wanted all the accolades. Yes, he feels the entire universe and everyone in it is against him now resulting in paranoia - even towards his parents. He is so very sensitive and clearly lacks self-confidence. He is now completely self-involved - b/c he thinks of only thing all day, every day. Himself. He is bitter and I believe full of rage. He never listens to me...and having worked in mental health for 25 years I know of what I speak. He is so unhealthy in every way and continues on the path of self-destruction. A time bomb, a heart attack waiting to happen (heart disease rampant in our family).
He did a complete 360 with his life and personality. He went down the rabbit hole and is not coming back up.
Unbelievable to his parents...and those who love him because we remember the "old Joe" - a great guy in all ways.
The joys of parent-hood. The sorrows of parent-hood.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

Our son, now 34 years old was diagnosed with Schizophrenia 16 years ago.
He was compliant for a year taking medications then whet on a vacation with a friend and stopped taking them. He moved in with a girlfriend with her parents 500 miles from home. He managed somehow without taking medications to work partime and finish his certification in welding.
They moved into an apartment but after another year they split up.
He quit his job and then fell apart. We helped him move up to our house, tried getting him involved with activities and a therapist. Then Covid came.
He started regressing more, personality changes (alpha male). Some days good others horrible. He got out of control driving, verbly, and damaging walls in .
We had to do a 5150 in order to get him help.
Most difficult but necessary move in our lives.
After two weeks in a hospital to get him stabilized he was placed in our city’s Behavioral Health system and began a program to rehabilitate. Unfortunately he met a girl there and they took off on a California journey. They returned, got an apartment with our help and seemed ok for 9 months when she (personality disorder) called for help but the police took him to our local detention jail awaiting trial. Once he got out 3 days later we took him to a hospital to get help as we couldn’t take him back to our house. They sent him to another hospital to get treatment. He returned to the program where he started the year prior, this time he stuck with it as his girlfriend had committed suicide when he was in jail. He spoke to a grief counselor weekly.
He was moved to two other houses with more responsibilities and freedom.
After a year they found him an apartment in a new complex that is for homeless, AA, Drug abuse, …..he became assistant manager there gaining skills. Met another very young girl there, and they got the 1 bedroom fully equipped kitchen with W/D too. He is still taking his medications, and talking to his case manager and psychiatrist monthly. He and Lily moved into a different complex that was less stressful housing families with issues.
After 1 month she called us late at night saying he hadn’t been acting himself.
Apparently during their move he left behind his medications and a good portion of both their belongings were still in their previous apartment
We brought him up to our house that night, got him back on meds, and he was given a 3 month medical leave from work until he stabilizes.
She then broke up with him.
He is hopeful to return by January to start a different job helping kids.
Meanwhile he is living with us (we’ve been away for almost 6 weeks and relying on his sibling, Aunt and uncle to fill in to make sure he’s eating, exercising, and not isolating which he does when depressed. )
So , relapses can happen even when on medications.
Fortunately we have always been able to get him to sign the Release of information (HIPAA) from his doctors so we can talk to them.
That is a BIG plus in helping your loved one.
We need to find him a place to live when we return , he doesn’t cook much, eats poorly when on his own, and won’t take care of himself as well as when around a roommate or us.
It’s a tough life for everyone. I can’t imagine living in his shoes. He has gained some insight to his illness even though he is still unsure his medications help. He keeps his appointments when he is reminded.
It’s a Day to Day challenge to move forward.
We took the 12 week NAMI course which is invaluable.
They also have local weekly chats with others on a zoom, that I highly recommend .

I hope my story brings hope to others and support.

Thank you meri8181 for sharing your story. Yes, mental illness can be devastating. Hopefully your son will stay on the best possible track. I completely understand it’s one day or one moment at a time.
Such a heartache for parents and, of course, him. I never asked my son to sign a “release of information”…my sense is he won’t allow it. His paranoia so strong. I will be going to my local NAMI chapter for meetings. I hope I will get the help there you recommended. I worked in mental health for 25 years. I know your struggles very well. Now I am the one needing help & my poor son, needs the right help! Which so far isn’t happening. I hear you loud & clear. One never knows what cards they are going to be dealt in life.
Be strong. I wish you, your family & dear son only the very best.

I’m a psychiatrist and am wondering what medication(s) he is currently taking. There are medicines called LAIs - long acting injectables. Some are designed to last a month and the newer ones 3 months or 6 months. If he is not taking an LAI I suggest you talk with son and try to see his MD together to discuss. I have seen great success with patients on this.

He decided on his own to stop trintellix as he felt it was not working after 2 years. I don't know the dose (it was po) or why he decided it wasn't working. He has a "snore" app on his phone (he uses a CPAP) and discovered he is grinding his teeth and talking lots in his sleep. Full sentences, not gibberish. So he felt Buspar (po) would help this and his psychiatrist agreed. He also is on Adderall - all po meds. Personally I hate this drug for him. He abused it in his senior year (last semester) of college to get through his exams. He later told me he was very stressed, unfocused as he was returning home to divorcing parents. He was never diagnosed in all his school years as having ADD. In fact, he was always at the top of his class. Suddenly he tells me in his senior year of college he went to a psychologist for testing and was diagnosed with ADD. No doubt, he told his psychiatrist this is a good drug for him. I wanted him to get off of it and he said "no". My 39 y.o. son would never agree to a meeting with me present w/his psychiatrist and b/c of HIPPA I cannot speak to his doctor. I feel he has been misdiagnosed and, therefore, on the wrong medications. He does have OCD and tried Luvox which did nothing to help him but he is now better with his trichotillomania. He has anxiety/OCD for sure and probably dysthymia. My main worry now is his paranoia. He has completely isolated himself from all friends and this is a guy who loved his friends, fully engaged in a full social and working life, traveled the world, speaks 3 languages, loves to laugh and have fun. A leader, who loved to lead. But no more. And even more concerning is his obvious behavior of slowly but surely isolating both his parents (he's an only child). If you read my initial story you know he had 2 major triggers - the loss of a job he absolutely loved and was on a fast track for promotions (no more due to a jealous new boss, transferred to a job he hates) and the loss of his best friend of 30 years who died suddenly at age 39. And to boot, he lives alone in the mid-west and I am on the east coast, his father lives in the south. So there's a great distance between us all which is a major negative factor. I asked him to move closer to me - as did his father, and he won't. Right now I feel he has Paranoid Personality Disorder. Trusting no one - not even his parents. Arguing over the silliest of issues. Full of anger and rage. Does nothing healthy for himself physically or mentally. He is always "right" and everyone else is "wrong". I feel completely helpless and heart broken over this. What he was - and what he now has become. Unthinkable this would happen. Someone said to me he has "schizophrenia"...but to my knowledge he does not heard voices. He probably has delusions though. But he continues to work full time - from home. Another negative factor. He is/was a people person who needs to be around people but that is not happening now. He is engaged in basic ADLs.
What LAIs are you thinking of? When I worked as a psychiatric nurse (so ironic, isn't it?) the only long-lasting injectables we used were the typical/atypical anti-psychotics. After reading everything I wrote, starting from my initial post - what do you think his diagnosis is? Is it possible you can make a "guess"?
Thank you kindly for your thoughts.