Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

@briarrose, I added your question to the Mental Health and the Caregiver support groups to help you connect with other parents coping with adult children who live with mental health challenges. I'm tagging other members like @ihatediabetes @criss @lissu @mamacita @georgette12 @razorclams @bonniethompson1234 @irene5, who may wish to chime in.

@dottiecc also shared helpful information about NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) http://www.NAMI.org https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/326485/

It must be so hard to see your son isolating himself when he clearly needs support. @briarrose, are you familiar with NAMI and the resources, information and more that they offer parents?

Hi there, have you thought of sending cards to your son? That might be an easier way to communicate with your son at this time. I keep a box of cards on my desk and send a card out once in awhile. That makes me have to focus on what I say. I also think it's important to take care of yourself. Keep the rhythms of life going. Our kids are always watching us because we are still Mom. They still need us to be pillars. It helps them feel more stable when they see us being stable.

@briarrose I am so very sorry you are anguishing over your one and only son. I can’t imagine your pain because my husband and I have many children so we could at least get our heads onto something and someone else. I can tell you that walking on eggshells does become a way of life and not an easy way to go through a day. There is a book with that title. If you haven’t read it it may be something you might want to read. Our oldest daughter who is bipolar and brilliant has finally found life again and is happy. She has struggled since she was a child as she was abused by a babysitter. Our youngest, an adopted Chinese daughter has finally found her way as well after many years of struggling with mental illness. The anguish I have felt over these children literally tore me apart. Please know the very best you can do for them - for your son - is to pray. When they are too old for you to “intercede” it is so hard and frustrating , and for you so many miles away it is downright impossible. And as someone mentioned NAMI is a great support . Please also know that God cares for your son. I found that to be a comfort because I always felt so helpless and it was literally making me ill. I don’t know that I can help you but please know I do understand and am sending support by way of caring from afar! Sometimes just knowing there is another human being who has been there is a comfort. And please take care of you as someone else mentioned. You can’t be good for someone else unless you are good for yourself. And I know that is hard! I truly feel for you. Irene5

The only other thing I could suggest is that you go there and see if you can get him committed. Unfortunately, it’s usually only a few days hold and he would have to agree. Maybe then you could let yourself off the hook and not feel like you didn’t try everything you could. It is really too bad about his therapist. At 69 you are having too much stress on yourself ( and understandably so) and it is so harmful for you. Praying for you both.

I have been there with one child who I did have to get into a hospital and was able to because they had expressed suicidality. It is true they can leave after 3 days unless the hospital goes to court. Luckily mine stayed.

I have two friends dealing with adult sons in very similar situations to yours.

It is encouraging that your son was willing to try meds, but not sure those were the best ones. For example, he might need Lithium or a mood stabilizer like Lamictal. Without those a person with bipolar can become worse on an anti-depressant. If he has paranoid schizophrenia that would seem to indicate a need for an anti-psychotic. And so on.

I am not suggesting any of these disorders or diagnosing, just saying that med choices are important and need to be tailored to what is actually wrong. Hospitals are the best for that but it can be done outpatient. Any chance he would see another psychiatrist?

Sending a loving card or text or whatever once a month worked for me for awhile. I think that was a good suggestion. NAMI helps some too.

Yes, I am familiar with NAMI but never needed their support until now.
Hopefully they would be able to help me...there is a local chapter not far from where I live.
This is so frightening...I reached out to him again, very kindly of course.
He did respond back but it was very cold and mean. I completely ignored it and responded back very concerning but it was short and sweet. Clearly he is in control of me. But after reading a lot of literature on PPD, it appears this is the only way to stay in contact with him. Never to confront him no matter what he says or does. Just go along...but so difficult to do. I can't believe this is what happened to him. And no one else would too if they knew the truth on what is happening now. Thank you for your support.

Thank you. Yes, good advice. I understand what you are saying and trying to be just that.

Thank you dearly Irene. You understand completely. When he was here at Christmas 2023 I was literally, physically ill watching his behaviors. I barely could eat. I felt like a hostage in my own home but just went along with what was happening. I didn't want him to go back home - yet, I needed him to. I will look into the book you recommended. I have been praying so strongly for him for the past 2 1/2 years...mostly I feel God is not listening to me. But I must overcome that feeling. God is there, I know. I am asking Him to take this burden into His Hands. It does make me feel better. God is in control here - not me. And yes, I must take care of myself. It's only fair to my husband also and, if course, myself. I must stay well for my son. My job is not finished with him yet despite his age. I ask God to please not take me now...my son needs me - even though he feels just the opposite. Thank you again so much for your understanding, support and reaching out to me. It does help me feel I am not alone.

I did think of that...and ironically I am a former psychiatric RN. I know first hand how that can go having done it myself for my patients in need of immediate psychiatric services and in a crisis.
I would have to call his clinic and state he is a danger to himself or others. They told me they would call the police to go to his condo. If he does not answer the door, they would break it down. Of course, he would refuse any intervention because with PPD he doesn't think anything is wrong with him. It's everyone else. Depending on his actions, most likely he would have to be handcuffed and taken out of his condo, an ambulance will be called to take him to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation. He would certainly know it was me...and this would be unforgivable by him to me especially if he is released from the ER. I am trying to speak to his psychiatrist but the clinic says I can't if he is not a danger to himself or others. I don't believe he is suicidal although no doubt he might have passive suicidal ideations...having lost his best friend of 30 years suddenly, without warning at the age of 39. Best friends since age 8.
I actually have a video appointment with his psychiatrist in November - posing as a "patient" but wanting to discuss my son. My feeling is his MD can not tell me anything about him due to HIPPA laws BUT I can report to him. When I was working many times I had family members call me to report their loved one was in a mental health crisis. I listened but did not report anything to them. Of course, there were times the crisis team had to be called (by me) to go to the home. Very, very often the family does not want to be the "bad guys"...& call the police. Now I truly get that. I am in those shoes now. But I do get you. And yes, I am very sick over this. I am trying to help myself. All I do is think "what can I do". No doubt he is lying to his psychiatrist and saying all if "fine"...which it is in his mind. I don't even know if his MD diagnosed him correctly. I believe it's depression and ADD. But that is not what is truly going on with him...yes, depression for sure but the PPD is overtaking everything. Many thanks again for your thoughts and help.

Yes, I fully agree with you. I have told my son I don't feeling his current medications are helping him. The right medications are the key here but with personality disorders medications can be limited in helping them...but also worth a try. And yes, I tried to get him to change doctors but he is not listening. I believe he may be abusing the Adderall (which is highly abused by young people especially in college) - he can snort it and also has a history of using cocaine in his 20s when he was working and living in Italy. Of course, now he denies any drug abuse. But this psychiatrist continues to prescribe Adderall which was horrifying to me since he did have a history of abuse when he was in college. No doubt, he lied and encouraged the doctor to prescribe it now. Thank you kindly for your thoughts.