Adult Grandchildren ungrateful or what?

We have 3 granddaughters, 5-19, and 3 grandsons, 8-16. We live within 40 miles of each other, and have always tried to support the grandchildren in sports, birthdays, holidays, etc.

My husband used to fly fish and golf with my sons. We love them dearly but they don’t stay in touch with their Dad much anymore, he’s 67 and physically fit! Recently, my husband said he’s becoming disenchanted with being a grandparent because the gr. sons don’t seem excited to see him anymore. It concerns me because he used to enjoy them so much and is such a good G. He said more than once he’s beginning to feel disrespected unless he spends money on them. I’ve tried to get him to understand the gr. kiddos are growing up, and our sons have friends to golf with.

We are retired, my husband sub-contracts occasionally, we do have a few social friends, I do volunteer and belong to a good church. Socially and in this political climate, good friends are hard to find, and if you’ve got a good family, cherish them.

Perhaps it’s time for G and Nana to travel and focus on one another?

Does anyone else feel this disconnect?

EXACTLY!!
"...it’s time for G and Nana to .... focus on one another?"
Healthy Connections are Not Transactional: we give others, grand children or strangers Without expecting Anything in return, even respect. To expect thus is as in a Mutually negotiated relation as in a work or even family.

What do we the older people need (myself, an octogen)?

Let's be with People who Want each other. Actually this is the recipe for All rewarding connections, aka Friendships. As friends there is NO obligations; we come out of our Mutually Nurturing reasons, whether to talk, play, eat, walk.... We also, it means, accept if someone No Longer finds the connection / friendship interesting enough, without any Judgement. This makes Friendship the noblest of all human connections. This is why, perhaps, Aristotle has said, "Life without a friend is not worth living." (I was really surprised when I saw this)

So folks, let's find connections that truly make us feel good about Ourselves. Let's connect with others what We like most, or second most for our limited time on earth.

I passed one opportunity today because I had a better use of my time if only to find out what is best for tomorrow and next week. This way, I won't have much reason to tell myself "You didn't do best use of your past hour or day or ...."

I'plan to attend a church-for-every-belief this Sunday. I'd like to be a member of humankind...and then find who among them share my particular interests. Wish me luck. I Wish You Luck!

@judyingenes I don’t think you are being unreasonable. If your gifts are not being acknowledged, stop giving them gifts. I wouldn’t even bother giving or mailing cards!

This was helpful to make me feel not alone in this situation. This week I got a call from my grandson who is almost 20. He yelled at me I make it all about me when I asked for a "thank you" for paying his college tuition for the last 3 semesters. I am retired and have a teacher's pension and no soc. sec. with the offset rule. The 529 money comes out of that pension monthly. He says he didn't have time to thank me because he had to work and take care of his dog. He won't even let me know if he gets gifts I send. Hurt to my core, I did a lot of soul searching the past few days. Listening to many of you, these poor kids are missing out on the life qualities of thankfulness and gratitude that lifts up the giver and the receiver. I find those positive behaviors are so helpful in interactions with people everyday. If my husband goes to the market for me or with me to the doctor, I let him know I appreciate his effort and him. I sent a thank you note and candy to a hotel manager who took the effort to help me locate a 3rd party booking to get me a $400.00 cancellation refund. I believe in lifting up people with even a few words of gratitude and appreciation. Unfortunately, so many of our kids today do not have these qualities and are not taught how they enrich the human spirit in both directions with a few simple words. Unfortunately, grandma is tired of crying and my grandson will learn a life lesson the hard way by paying for his own tuition while grandma enjoys going to New England to see the fall leaves with that money.

It's really sad seeing so many older family members here (I am 84 myself) feeling left out of the...I don't know what to call it...the heart?...of the family now. I feel that I am being "Left out/left behind/not included" with some of my family members, too. Elders, as older folks were called, were respected when I was young. Not so much anymore. Why is that? Have we lost our usefulness? Have we nothing more to contribute? Are we too demanding? Want too much from everyone? I don't think that's the case but that's coming from my 84 year old perspective remembering when people my age were respected and helped in any way that the family could.
And, you know, we raised these people who are not respecting us, didn't we? So did we somehow miss the mark? Did we not impress on them that "our family" is respectful of Nana...we don't say things like "that" to her! Or in "our family" we help Gramps whenever he needs help and he has don't so much for you Honey!! And (giving him that look) "Say thank you to Auntie Millie, son!"
I think Social Media has taken over the minds of our loved ones and is holding our dear ones prisoners. Gotta blame something!!

It's very confusing........and sad,

@judyl48
Welcome to Mayo Connect. As you can tell by reading some of the comments, your not alone in not feeling appreciated by next generations. It is a shame when we do things to help make someone life's easier only to be treated like it is expected.

I applaud you for stop paying for his tuition and spending the money on yourself.

It is amazing when you do little things for a stranger, like holding a door or giving directions, they thank you, yet when do big things like give money to family, they do not even acknowledge.

Enjoy the fall colors, here in MN they trees are just starting to change, it is late this year.

I can identify with almost everyone’s comments on this topic. Lost sleep over it too.
Finally, I just let it go. Decided though to keep the door open. Was glad I did, because one granddaughter had decided to keep in touch again, and now I enjoy occasional phone calls and texts.
Have lost touch with my favorite granddaughter, had a hard time not to remember her on special events, but decided to do so after not receiving any recognition for what I thought were thoughtful gestures and gifts.
But,
I had asked everyone for a framed everyday picture for my 80th birthday, and lo and behold, I received those from everyone!! I was overjoyed.
My relationship with my grown kids, who don’t live in my town, is not easy either. I know they are busy with work, etc. So as long as I’m able to drive, I go see them, trying my best to take turns, being considerate, paying my way, keeping my opinions to myself - not easy, lol, but that seems to work.
So far so good.
Letting go….

@margotcc
When gifts went unacknowledged, I switched to just sending cards on special occasions, birthdays, xmas, etc .... No money; just cards.
It showed I still remembered them and they were not forgotten. It is one way of leaving door open to future communications.

It was so nice they all replied for your 80th birthday. That was a wonderful idea.

Good for you! That is terrible how your grandson treated you! You are right about kids today not having any gratitude or manners. I've even noticed it in the grocery store. They cut right in front of you and don't even say, "Excuse me." I think that's great that you are going to New England to see the beautiful fall leaves! I live in Washington State and our fall leaves are pretty but very dull colored compared to New England's. That's mainly due to our mild winters. Have a wonderful time!
PML

I will be, as per usual, the dissenting voice. Yes, you are being unreasonable. Gifts should be given free of any expectation. You actually set yourself up for failure by giving a gift and knowing that it would not be acknowledged. And you sought justification and received it from many on this post. I am pretty sure that in the long run none of these responses will solve the core issue.

The only thing you can control in this situation is how you react to it. Let it go and focus your energy elsewhere.
Best always,
s!