Siblings don’t seem to care

It’s amazing how many of us caring for our loved ones, are essentially abandoned by our siblings, adult children, family members. I am the mother of three biological children, and five stepchildren, all eight are successful adults, and have adult children. And there are 15 grandchildren.

One would think that my home, which has always welcomed all of them, would have visitors, or phone calls or…Not so. The phone almost never rings, the visits are nonexistent and every thing is on my shoulders.

Whenever I take my husband to a medical appointment or other assessment, an update goes out to everyone with a day. I keep asking the kids to call, come over, what would they like to do for dad’s birthday. Usually I host a get together but now the Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point where it is two visitors at a time. So, I made out a time sheet for two weekends and his birthday and said take a look and tell me when you’d like to come. Two came. Two of my three. My son lives in Ottawa and came on the following weekend.

The lack of involvement by my stepchildren : seeing, and talking with their dad makes me angry and very sad. But, and here is where I’ve ended up: this is my stepchildren’s problem and issue. And I will not let other people’s behaviour rob my loved one and me from sharing a joyful life in the time we have left. So we laugh, play, hug and kiss. And I celebrate each day.

May G-d bless and keep all caregivers safe.

Just based on my 14+ years of experience as my wife's caregiver I came to understand it was a tremendous drain on, and waste of, my limited energy to worry about anyone else caring about my wife's condition, needs, etc. Making someone care, or wishing they would, is akin to trying to make someone have a different favorite color, not hate (insert your favorite vegetable), etc. Caregiver or not, we cannot control anyone else's life choices.

As hard as it was, I had to just move on, let others be who they chose to be, and focus my energy where it really needed to be -- my wife's needs.

Even now, years later, it does sadden me that some of our family members and longtime friends made the choice to just walk out of our lives, but realize it was their loss.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

I am learning and trying to do the same. Thank you for your helpful take on the situation-
Family members blame you for not calling them and having get togethers. I sometimes feel im hardening my heart -which i do NOT want to do but - but why do i want them at my house when they dont visit call or seem to care its as though mom is already gone to them. - Only way to get a visit from them to her -is to call -and practically beg- say hey why dont you come see mom take her to coffee or to lunch - they know she will want to treat. Others just stay away all together i have four siblings and im the baby moved mom in when noticed signs. Its the hardest thing ive done in my life but will most likely be the most rewarding in the end. Its my mother no-matter how mean she can get.( mostly dementia related) Respect.

So well said and so very true. The one other thing I’ve come to realize is that I tend to put others ahead of myself. I keep trying to fix the kids so that later they won’t have any regrets. Of course it’s not working and only leaves me depleted. But as with any personal issue, awareness and acceptance are the first steps,to healing.Hopefully there is hope for this woman yet. Thanks so very much for your post. And stay well!

Maybe you should stop giving updates, just let them know when appointments are, and let them wonder what happened, it might precipitate phone calls. Who knows......wishing you the best....

Update - My mom passed away the week before last. As all in the forum can attest, caregiving isn’t easy but I can honestly say apart from the difficulties, a large reward that the time caring for mom allowed me was the opportunity to develop a closeness with her that didn’t exist previously and I believe mom grew closer to me as well. Mom went peacefully. I miss her a great deal. Please know, I truly appreciate all of you.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom. Please accept my condolences. It’s good to see it was peaceful and that you had gotten so close. Your caregiving was crucial and that must bring you enormous peace and comfort.
🙏💐🧸

My most sincerely condolences to you, @alzdaughter !

I have come to realize that lots of families (maybe a majority of families) find themselves in a similar situation as the one you were in with your mother.

For the past ten years and a half, my husband and I have been caring for my mother-in-law, who's Alzheimer was very mild and progressing very slowly at first, until a fall in August 2022 seemed to provoke an accelerated deterioration. We sacrificed our garage and part of our garden to build her an appartment, and it has changed the look of our house, which has affected its market value.
My husband has 1 sister and 4 brothers (the eldest died of a heart attack at the end of June this year). His sister lives 500 miles from us, but she calls her mom every day and tries to visit at least every three to four months. The brothers live near, but are very absent. The 2 eldest haven't visited nor called in years; the eldest died without having spoken to his mother in the past 6 years at least. We celebrated her 90th birthday at a restaurant this year. They were invited. They did not even answer the invitation. The 2 youngest have been more or less present this year, because I had to have a complicated surgery with a two-week hospitalization and bed rest for a month afterwards, and my sister-in-law forced them to be a little bit present. They alternate to bring her lunch on most Sundays, if reminded. They serve her her lunch and sit in an armchair watching their phone while she eats; they don't converse with her. I know conversations with my MIL do not make sense most of the time, but she likes to be treated like a regular person.

At first, I was very upset that my husband's borthers didn't help and had forgotten their mother. Now, I really don't care anymore. It's a matter between them and their conscience.

I hope you are at peace now, knowing you gave your all to care for your mother. Big hug.

…yes they do…care first what have you go to lose…if i am wrong i am sorry…

…i hope you find peace…

I am so sorry for your loss, this is never easy. Your mom was blessed to have you. I know it is not easy taking care of a loved one but it sure is rewarding knowing you did the best you could for her. God bless you and comfort you.