Will I ever not hate myself?

I am glad that you found my post helpful. As I look at the calendar I see that my 90th birthday is coming up in 22 days!!! I pretty much have resigned myself to being alone. It is too much effort to go anywhere and then come home to realize that yet again no one had any interest in pursuing a friendship. I do have a couple of friends in the community where I live and we go to lunch every 3-4 weeks. At any rate according to the Cleveland Clinic after reaching 90 we don't have many more years. It's fine with me.

sadnat3
Just popping in to say 👋👋. I, everyone here, is on your side and want to be of any help that we can.
If you are still reading the thread, please post a quick note. Would love to know if you have found any relief and to know that you are still reading the posts.
Some of us, meaning myself, are struggling through the self hatred x7, right now. Please let us know how you are doing. Good luck with your journey, cuz I have found , found, right now, that I have to rely on old fashioned luck, to help myself. I can't find a doctor, of any specialty that is willing to take the time to really understand and help. 🫂🫂, that is why we are all here, trying to help each other and that includes you.ShelleyW

thisismarilynb,
Just checking in, how are you feeling? ShelleyW

Actually I am feeling quite rotten. I have been in my pyjamas for about 8 days. No shower, no clothes, no nothing. Lots of dirty dishes sitting around and I don't care. I don't care about anything. I don't care that I am dirty, don't care that the house is messy, don't care that there is mail waiting for me - just don't give a damn. Tomorrow I will have to break down and shower and shampoo because I have to go to the eye doctor Friday morning. Have 10:00 AM appointment. Then I will go back to not caring.

thisismarilynb, I am so glad you replied to me. I sure wish I had a good answer for helping you feel better. I don't like it when people say "they know how I feel," when there is no way they do.
So, when I say to you, that I know how you feel, I DO KNOW. Of course we have differences: you will soon be 90, I am 65; you live alone, I live with my hubby (he is 80), you have lunch friends, I have none; your relationship with your children is not what anyone wants; my children relationships are all different, 1 daughter blames my health for ruining her life (she lives on the other side of the country; one daughter is more loving, my son....well hell, tolerable, hell, to calling the sheriff to see if he was in jail somewhere-he was, hellllll, then he became a father @19, the mother abandoned him and my grandson (was a great thing to have happen, for everyone), our relationship is as good as it can be.
My health makes me wish I were dead, I made attempts, but it takes too much energy so I use self harm to let some of the gremlins loose.
I am sorry you feel so lonely, it's a very ugly feeling.
Okay, I really understand the pjs all day, dirty house, my hubby keeps it clean, all the laundry and shopping. My last shower was 55 days ago, I couldn't cool down and stop sweating and shaking, I was outside in 95 degrees watching the fire...there was a big fire that could have burned down the office building we own, we lucked out, but 30 homes were destroyed by an arsonist, they caught him. I tell you this dumb little story just to give you someone else's non-showering routine...maybe you can LOL at me. Have a good shower and eye appointment tomorrow. When you get home, if you find a good movie on TV, let me know what it is. 👋🩵🤗ShelleyW

Marilyn
How are you today?.Wishing you well.