My father is increasingly verbally abusive to my mother: What to do?

@essieb What a tough situation for both your Mom and you.

Have you had a frank discussion with your Mom about what is going on? And has she explained to her doctors what her home situation is like? My guess is that when they ask her "Are you safe at home?" she answers yes, and does not tell the ER staff or her care team what life is really like - she may feel ashamed or embarrassed.

This is what happened in our family - Mom only complained to us and to her sister, she "didn't want anyone else to know." And Dad put up a good front while we were there, but started his verbal abuse as soon as we were out of earshot. One day, she just showed up at our home (200 miles away) and said she couldn't do it anymore. As the only child, it fell to my husband to help get Dad moved to a care facility. The neighbors and his brother professed shock, and we explained it was "nobody's fault" he just was no longer himself and too much of a physical and emotional strain for her.

Do your parents have family, friends, a religious or other support group nearby? Do you have siblings you can call on to help?

If Mom has no nearby support, someone may need to make a trip to Florida the next time she is hospitalized and help with the situation. Attend a doctor appointment with her and hold her hand while she tells them what is really going on. Ask for intervention if her home situation is dangerous to her health - emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. Help her get your Dad to the doctor for a complete physical and mental evaluation - maybe tell him "I'm are worried about you and how you are doing. Can we see the doctor and make sure you are on the right medications? It would give me so much peace of mind, since I am far away." An alternative would be to get her written permission to talk the doctors and work out a plan.

Please come and talk about how you might approach this - being so far away must be very hard for both you and your Mom.

It’s really difficult to have reasonable conversations and negotiate fair treatment with someone who has cognitive impairment. Even if they promise to do better, change, seek help, etc. they often forget they said it or change their mind. Resistance to care is common. I’d likely suggest that your mom seek legal advice about her rights and responsibilities as a spouse so she will know her options. Protecting her safety and health is paramount.

@celia16 and @sueinmn , Thank you so much for your help. You are definitely helping me start the conversation with my mother. Celia, you are exactly right--I don't see much possibility of a reasonable conversation. This is all exacerbated by the fact that my father is a heavy drinker.
Sue, thank you so much for your compassion!

My husband has Parkinson’s and MCI and we now suspect full-on dementia. Experiencing the same as described above by essieb. We have a close friend, a psychiatrist who has consulted verbally with my husband’s neurologist and referred us to another psychiatrist who has us meeting with a social worker/counselor in her practice. Anyway since we now have the neurologist/psychiatrist/counselor connections going on I’m finally feeling heard and can speak freely about the craziness. I met with the counselor myself (because my husband refused to go last time) and I felt validated in the midst of the chaos. This has helped me be more confident in setting boundaries with him when he is abusive.

Also, I recently had to travel to England for a new granddaughter being born. My other daughter and my son traveled to stay with him and also got help from his sister. They observed the MCI/dementia HOWEVER they were not subjected to the abuse that I experience. The spouse dynamic is different and generally much worse.

Dear @essieb

oooooo PROBLEMS?
Having problems of this or that is hard so I ask just this one: is he a drunker? Beating a pushing his wife? Yelling & cussing between them? Just watching TV by itself or going somewhere else like a bar?

ooooooo PROBLEMS CAUSED BY ALCHOL USE?
The bad alcohol drinkers is within my part of families & good friends; it’s a horrible place. Some hits there wife’s; leaves their home going to bar-friends; hitting their children. The past of their problems is hard today even their dad’ died & have been gone decades before. Some the same things today. Getting drunk every day or by week is there and all the problems against to good families.

Well, thx
Greg D. @greg1956

An idea- take vacation days now, go online and rent a VRBO near your parents, invite your mom to come for a “girls’ get-away”. She’ll be excited at seeing you, being part of a “girls’s thing (all the rage now) and (secretly) grateful for the break, but not too far away in case trouble happens at home.
Talk to her, really talk to her, make her feel safe to tell you how she really feels. Everything else is just details, which you and family members can sort out. If she decides she no longer wants to live with him, arrangements can be made for incoming services for him, a safe and quiet place for her. No need to talk of divorce, legal separation or just living apart, reassure her there is no need for guilt or embarrassment, however she’s feeling.
I visited people in their homes for my job in Home Care. I visited a home where the husband had dementia, was mobile, strong, and angry. His wife looked scared. Later, I was sent out again, the adult daughter was there, but not the wife. I asked gently, just in case she had passed, and the daughter told me that her mom had had joint replacement surgery, had come to her house for recuperation, and was refusing to come back. All I could think of was, “Good for her. Her life and chance for happiness counts too.”

Abuse is abuse. What would you have done? If you discovered your father had been physically beating your mother? Getting cranky every once in a while is not what you were describing. Verbal abuse is what you’re describing.