To move near family or stay put

I was approached on that subject by my daughter and she certainly didn't make the offer sound too attractive, more like an order. I just ignored the offer at the time. I might mention I am a widow in my early 80's. I have no family other than my 2 daughters and the eldest one is disabled and living in a rehab hospital. I live all the way across the U.S from them and so far am mentally and physically able to live on my own. If I moved I would be moving to Ca. and I lived there for 50 years so I know how it would affect me. I couldn't afford a car or ins. So I would have to give up that part of my independence, rent would be way too expensive and the cost of living there would be out of my budget. Basically if I moved there I would be giving up everything my husband put in place for me, so I could feel secure. That same daughter manages to visit about every 2 years and plays with her phone the whole 3 or 4 days she is here.

Whoever thought this would be such a difficult decision? I struggle with this, too.

Thank you for this honest assessment of your life as it is and as it would be in California. I think you have your answer. I am faced with a similar choice. These choices aren’t straight forward, but an opportunity to assess our needs, happiness and self worth. Thanks for putting your story out there. It helped me.

It's realistic to plan for a decline in our ability to be independent as we age. Not all of us have family that are willing and able to meet those changing needs. If you have an Office for Aging in your county they can help you make a plan. Whatever you decide I wish you thebest.

We love Oregon, where we live. Our son is a horse vet in Phoenix. We won't move unless I die first, and my wife may move. Unless we're needed, we're staying here.

But . . . he's getting married to another vet and they want a family. With child care costs today, he and his fiance asked us to move near Phoenix to help keep the kids they don't have yet so child care isn't an issue. Of course, we'll go, since they asked for help, and that's what we'll do when the time is right.

For me, I have CHF, a tumor, maybe an adenoma, in my brain, and a very sad case of arthritis everywhere. I will be so glad to become a Mayo patient.

If you simply want to move (to a drastically different environment) to be able to see a future grandchild frequently, go for it! But caring for grandchildren is tiring. I am 72 and physically in pretty good shape. I watch my granddaughter ONE day a week (she’s 3 now but this has been going on for 2 1/2 years) and at the end of the day I am tapped out. If you and your wife would be full time sitters and your son and his wife are dependent on you, think it through. Just my two cents, of course.

Best wishes to you both,
Cindy

Vets make good money, so they can hire a nanny if needed, visiting with a grandchild is one thing, babysitting for them daily is another with your health issues is totally another.

I would not jump at this opportunity.

For each relationship in our life there is a certain optimal degree of closeness/distance.
We need to do our best to discern that distance and realize it as well as we can.

Employment necessities have not given us many choices about being nearby to our grandkids.
On the one hand that has often left us with a degree of yearning for the babies, but it has protected us from emotional complexities with the parents and in-laws.

Some friends moved here to be close to a single parent daughter with three kids. It is a complex balancing act to enjoy the kids and not be completely used up by a daughter who can take the free babysitting for granted. They have found the balance, but it wasn't easy.

By all means, move if you want to be close to family and Mayo, but please don't sign on for fulltime child care!

Eight years ago, I shared care of my infant grandson with another "grandma" - her best friend's Mom. Neither one of us was up to full-time care for an infant, then toddler, even then. I love my "littles" to pieces, and love spending time with them going on adventures, doing projects, reading, or just hanging out. They often ask to come over just to hang out with us.

Now, older & slower in my mid-70's, we care for our now 5 and 8 year-old boys, sometimes for several days at a time, even take them on trips. But it would be very difficult to do fulltime. And they are at an age to help with food prep and cleanup, dress and toilet themselves, put away their own toys, and are able to play by themselves or together for hours with basic oversight and refereeing.

Let me refresh your memory - babies, toddlers and little children need feeding 4 or more time a day, with the attendant preparation, coaxing, spills & cleanup. Then there are the schedules parents want you to maintain - naps, walks, tummy time, playtime - and modern childrearing ideas are not like you remember. And the endless changing of diapers and clothes, the crying and whining, the constant eyes-on when they are awake, the eternal picking up of toys. There are no lunch breaks, coffee breaks, uninterrupted phone calls or conversations. And when would you and your wife fit in your own appointments?

Maybe you could offer is "emergency" care when a regular caregiver is unavailable?
Also, have you spent a full year in Phoenix? The 6-month summers can be brutal.

At our ages, and my husband and I are not that far away from yours, it makes no sense, and I believe we still retain a very clear sense of what is good for us- I say stay put. I had to take care of my aging parents when they were beginning to show signs of shutting down and their finances DEMANDED they come near us. They didn’t want to be a burden as they often said but it was a necessity. I took care of them, their medical needs, their transportation and everything else imaginable. I loved them dearly and miss them still. It was a huge health burden on me as I’m the only child. I think our adult children mean well but ultimately we ARE a burden and then there is form of “loving” neglect” if that makes any sense. The promises and good intent are there, but they still have their own lives to lead.
You have a good thing going even tho distance makes it sad and disconnected. Right now, count your blessings and stay in close contact.