wife thinks I am her father-in-law and asks where her husband is

My ex husband's grandmother used to ask “where’s Jack” - who had died previously. Her daughter would patiently explain that he had died and she would cry and cry. When we were watching her, we told her Jack went to the store and how about a little glass of wine. I think the objective becomes peace of mind to the extent that is possible.

Welcome to my world. My husband accepts my presence but really doesn't know who I am; how I fit in here; or even my name. We have been married for 57 years. "Where are you sleeping tonight?" I read over and over how ALZ lose the connection with the closest person first. Why is that? No idea, but it is tough to take. I've sobbed plenty over it but seem to have accepted the situation now. I just wonder why I don't count as a past memory since I've known him for 60 years. Our kids went to Shutterfly and made him a small book of pictures. Each person and then family groups are in the book with labels to help him sort it out. He looks at pictures of us and wonders how I got into the picture. He does know our daughters so far. I'm sorry..but this is a realty and a blow you have to take in the chin. Be happy that you can look back yourself and know that the two of you have a very good run up to now. It is out of your hands. You can't make your wife remember something she can't.

Billi
Thanks for your support and advice. It’s a tough disease for the whole family.

Thanks. Wine appears to turn my wife into someone very mean. And it’s gotten to the point that if she gets a 2nd glass of wine, I tell her I will leave the house.

Ok. The wine was really just pointing to the value of distraction when they get stuck on something and based on my limited experience. Sorry that wasn't helpful.

Hello, @tunared In my experience, mental changes were always times of struggle for me with my wife. While I know every caregiver and their patient is different, I always had to remind myself of some words I took to heart from her neuro-doctor:

"When the brain is broken, logic does not work".

Consequently, I used lots of misdirection, subject changing, and at times lying -- often saying "Gee, honey, I just don't know. I'll have to check. Would you like some tea?" as my response.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Your quote... "When the brain is broken, logic does not work." is just so hard. We want them to get well... to at least get better.... to understand..... all those things. My hubby is not as far along as many but in the night he often wakes up and doesn't know where he is.. or who I am. So thankful that during the day he knows who I am and still can do much of what we used to do. I suppose sometime it will be our turn... and I will remember this quote. My thoughts have always been toward the positive.. and "each day better" but I'm getting more realistic and thinking... "each day peaceful and as happy as possible."
Hugs for all.

Scott, Thank You! I've used your recommendations more than a few times over these past few years.

I am a retired Speech/Language Pathologist that worked with people with dementia. There is something called Validation Therapy that is very helpful.
First though, dementia robs the most recent memories first. So if they think you are your father it is because you look like them now. They remember the younger you. Usually the recall is best from when they were in their 30’s to 40’s.
Rather than trying to correct them, which is scary to them, try to empathize. Saying, “what would you say to (name) if they were here right now?” Or, “If (name) were here what do they do that you really like?” Then you can do those things-like brushing hair, holding hands, going for a walk, doing a simple task together.
If they say that their spouse would take them home, you can ask them what do they like about home.
It is difficult when they don’t remember you especially if you feel like all those years together are gone. It has nothing to do with the value of those years. It is destruction of their brain.
Talking with people that are caring for a spouse at home helps. They have told me that a very rigid schedule that is the same every day really helps. “Now we eat breakfast. Now we wash up. Now we go for a walk at the Y. Now we have coffee and visit.
I hope some of this information is comforting and helpful. As my friend said with a spouse with early onset dementia, “It’s not fair”

Jprust, thank you very much for your help. I will try your suggestions and I'm sure others will be trying them too.