Spouse denial of MCI destroying our marriage

That sounds very difficult. I might get a legal consult to find out your rights, responsibilities and options.

It may be that she’s not able to process the information. It’s sad, but resistance to care is quite common. It’s unfortunate that she refuses to get a diagnosis. Some causes might be treatable.

@mdcatlin Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I can see that you’ve been on Connect for almost 6weeks but this is the first time participating. There are a few things that you could do to help both of you and to save the marriage. *Try calling the Area Agency on Aging in your area to see if there is someone to talk with who might guide you. * You can also ask if there are any support groups for dementia caregivers. Those in a group such as this could be of great help! Read through these discussions to see what other people have done to solve similar problems. *if your wife has any friends, see if one will come over. You can use this time for mental health. *Find out ALL that your city or town has to offer to see what might work for you. *You can continue to ask questions here. Many of the members will be glad to help.!what concerns you the most about you wife’s behavior?

My mom had these waves .. one day she was sending me a pecan pie from a fave vendor and a week later she accused me of stealing her jewelry (because she saw me when I was wearing jewelry she had given me). She was quite vain about her intelligence and refused to admit she had any issue. Even when she could hardly see in the bathroom mirror for all the postit notes there.

Its a hateful disease and I have made arrangements for a friend who is a hospice nurse and who has my healthcare POA to admit me to whatever care level is necessary and appropriate so my children don't have to be in the position you are.

Does she have a healthcare POA? My mother would never sign one, certain that someone could and would steal her assets.

Will she let friends visit so you can get out some? Becky’s suggestions are superb as always. I’m afraid I have nothing to offer but sympathy.

I am going to loudly suggest you see a estate attorney if you haven't done so to protect both your assets. I had an uncle who met a scam artist posing as a pastor who wiped him out financially. My aunt had to hire attorneys and recovered some but still lost a lot.

I guess I’m saying think defensively from a risk management perspective.

Good evening @mdcatlin, welcome to this wonderful avenue that is willing and able to Connect you to folks and volunteers who just might be able to provide you with some cues to resolving your current struggles with your wife. Actually, you have chosen one of our most caring mentors in Becky.

I labored a bit before jumping in. Everything Becky has presented qualifies as helpful. The only thing missing was the opportunity to hear from someone who is actually walking down the same road and who in the last week or so has discovered some experiences that verify Becky's suggestions.

Here's a brief introduction. Twelve years or so ago I found myself in a small mountain village alone and worried about my future. Perhaps it was time to sell my gallery and my house and search for a new life. My history had been one of tackling the Glass Ceiling, over and over again. I worked in an East Coast collegiate environment, and then a Canadian computer company as the sole female in my role. Being a beach lover and gaining more IT experience led me to Hawaii, & then back to California where I opened my own business.

When I found myself once again single, I decided to try out "E-Harmony".....hoping to have more choices. It worked and I am now with a wonderful man and living on the Mississippi River in MN. Not an ocean but our home is on the Mississippi and my days begin with feeding a batch of chipmunks.

Shortly after meeting him, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and of course, became a Mayor Clinic patient. During my attempts at caregiving, I was overwhelmed with the expertise and excellence of this medical institution. I also joined Mayo Connect and found the mentors to be compassionate and supremely helpful to both of us. It wasn't too long before I was invited to become a Mentor, one of the best decisions I have ever made.

And after a couple of visits, I decided to pack up and relocate to the Mayo Clinic home in Minnesota. Wow! What an adventurous change for me. Here is an important note to remember. As we were packing, I found a graduate school textbook that I treasured about counseling. When I unpacked it in Minnesota......I went to place it on the bookcase and found that my new partner had the same textbook......"On Becoming a Person" by Carl Rogers. It turned out that we were both Rogerians with common philosophies about mental health.

You will probably be able to predict what just happened to come next. I was diagnosed with SFN (small fiber neuropathy) and increasing mental stumbling. We stopped sharing and attempting to understand each other. I attributed his thinking and behavior to his upbringing in Minnesota and he attributed my behavior and "lack" of thinking to being a glass ceiling advocate.

Our first shared decision was to begin Couple Therapy with a young and very intelligent lady originally from Lebanon who had no problems living in Minnesota. Once we began to feel like we were making progress, I had a major stumble and my partner felt he needed to have his own counselor as well as our couple therapist. He will begin that next week while I stay home and train my chipmunks.

Please don't just give up. Let some professionals listen to you and your wife........there was great love and value for each other. That can be reviewed and hopefully renewed. If you have questions, let Becky and me know. We are here to help and to see you rediscover the essence of your beautiful relationship with your wife.

May you be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.

Chris

I do understand your situation a bit but I too don’t know what to do. I’m 71, married since 2001 to a wonderful man, but, & it’s a big “but”—he has several disorders that he denies & refuses to admit to, refuses to get treatment for, of any sort. He has Tourette Syndrome, Anxiety disorder, & more, but right now I dont remember the others because in 2019 I was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. He’s having an extremely difficult time with my neurological disease & can’t deal with it, won’t read anything about it, refuses to listen to me trying to explain to him what LBD is like. Instead he gets angry & argumentative when I’m having a particularly hard day. He refuses to talk about it & just insists that I’m not paying attention when actually I’m just not able to remember the particular thing he’s talking about because of my dementia. I know that medication would help him with his extreme anxiety disorder because years ago, for a short time, I slipped clonazepam (1 mg) in his coffee each morning because his anger & anxiety had progressed to the point where no one could tolerate being around him. The results of just 1 mg of clonazepam turned him into the relaxed easy going person that his whole family said was the person that he would occasionally be, when he was not cooking up reasons to flip out about. His mother commented on how relaxed he was, & not the perpetually angry anxious person he usually was. I know it was wrong for me to medicate him without his knowledge or permission so I did eventually tell him. He was furious & refused to take it anymore even though he admitted that it had really helped him tremendously. Now that I have Lewy Body Dementia, his anxiety & Tourette’s is really taking a huge toll on me. The stress from his constant argumentative behavior is really affecting the progression of the dementia & repression & isolation that goes with having dementia. In other words, he’s making my neurological disease much worse, & extremely more difficult for me to live with. I no longer drive & the anxiety he develops every time I have to go to the doctor makes me cry & ruins everything. At the doctor’s office he puts on an extremely caring attitude. As soon we’re back in the car, he turns back into the freaking out neurotic mess who he really is. He blames me for anything that goes wrong now. I really don’t want to live with him anymore because he’s making my disease so much more complicated & depressing for me. He still refuses to get therapy or treatment even though he knows it helped him a lot. I’m 71 & it’s a nightmare to think that the rest of my life is going to be like this. I want to live alone & hire assistance but I know that will never happen. I’m stuck in this awful world with him. I feel your pain.

@rottenweather123 Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry that your marriage has turned to this. You say that you can’t drive, but is there a bus system in town or a cab/Uber program? You really need to be able to get out of the house and care for yourself. Do you feel safe at home?
Are there any support groups for LBD in your town? If so, and you can go, you might be able to find someone that you can talk to.
I feel so awkward here because I don’t even know what to say or what suggestions I can give you that you could research and then take care of yourself.

Ann Lander's advice line gave a litmus test for marriage: "Would you rather be alone or wish you were." Personally, given your situation, I would rather be in an assisted care facility with long term tiered nursing help available when you need it later on. Much of your husband's anxiety and anger now may manifest in anger toward you, but it is underlying fear that is the back story here. We all have so many years on the planet, you have to decide your bottom line and how you choose to spend it. With LB you will be needing more and more care; it isn't going to come from your husband. Do whatever it takes to make the most of your years ahead. You matter.

This is no way to live. I imagine you will do much better in a different living situation.

Can you schedule an exam with a trusted doctor for a gynecology exam so that he will not be in the exam room with you? Then, you can have an honest conversation about your home life. Adult Protective Services may need to get involved. Given your disease and your total reliance on him you could be in a very unsafe situation.

Please ask for help from anyone you can and be persistent until you get it. It might help if someone else witnesses his behavior toward you and can back you up with the doctor.

I'm hoping you will get the help you need. jeh

@mdcatlin I am so very sorry. Augh! I understand there are cycles of better functioning (ironically called "regression") and worse functioning as one spirals in their decline. I don't know for sure, but it makes sense to me that this would happen in the MCI phase as well as later phases.

I don't see much about the MCI phase either so I was grateful to see your post and wanted to let you know that I relate to what you are saying. "Cycles" is a good word. I get the feeling this is the easier phase (?) and that makes it more daunting.

@blip4891 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! And I’m glad you joined this group. Are you caring for someone at home with similar behaviors? Can you tell us more about your situation?