Introductions: Are you caring for someone with dementia?

It really helps to know that we are in this together and can support each other in good choices, if there are any to be made. .We also learn a lot to share with others and not feel so alone in the journey. Dorisena

@dorisena Your reward may be in heaven, but it’s also here on earth. You set such a good example to us and to others about doing what’s right. In caring for someone who couldn’t care for himself. I believe that he knew you were there and he loved you for it. And probably regretted his prior behaviors. You and your spirit are definitely an inspiration. Tank you

@jshdma Hello, I’m just adding my 2cents worth to @hopeful33250 says. I am so sorry things are so difficult for you. I agree with seeing a counselor or therapist. Therapy helped me so much in dealing with my illness and it’s effects on everything. Maybe a therapist could give some helpful advice to you. Maybe your brother would talk to someone.
Have you also sat down with his siblings to explain your needs and some things they could do to help. Like some meals for your freezer, or staying with him a few hours so you could nap or run errands. Maybe, also ask them to consider helping to cover some of the costs.
Does your brother see a psychiatrist for his schizophrenia? Or is there a mental health agency in town? You might ask him/her for suggestions. You must also think about yourself and your family. Such a difficult situation you are in. Let us know how else we can help

You are misunderstanding my story, so perhaps I shouldn't be so straightforward. It was never a situation where he couldn't care for himself nor did he ever feel badly about his attitude. He never said he was sorry. He thought he knew best about his health but was ignorant about things, thinking that his control of everything showed his power and strength. He was in denial about any illness because he thought it showed moral weakness as a man, which his grandmother taught him. He thought women should be controlled at all times and told me if he was nice to me it would ruin me. He only liked that I cooked for him and pouted in later years when I cut out so much dessert because of his obesity and diabetes. I had no idea I was marrying an addictive, control freak because I noticed no signs of it before the marriage. I stuck it out for 50 years because of my marriage vows. It never got better. He spent time with other women in our small town and everyone knew it but me. When it did not cause me to leave him, he gave up that nonsense because he didn't like to spend his money on women. In his grandmother's culture, men did not provide for the household. Women had to earn the money to run the household with labor or selling produce. Men in that culture spent the farm income on whatever they wanted: two houses, race horses, automobiles, gambling and alcohol.
Lack of education and social learning keeps some cultures from improving and progressing. Women had no votes or rights and were dominated. This is the culture my husband brought to our marriage. I should write a book. Dorisena

dorisena. my heart goes,out to you. What a backward way to live. Praying for you to feel better about yourself...What a story.

Dianajane, I don't feel that my life was backward at all. I learned so much about my marriage from the stories my late husband's grandmother told me about her culture, and then figured out how to move forward with some success in maintaining some sanity in our modern attempt at farm life and business. Looking back, I think my husband was told that he would become rich farming, and he soon realized that wasn't true, so he pushed everyone involved harder until he made us sick trying. Actually he sort of drove himself nuts but he never really broke my self esteem or caused me to feel suicidal. He kept the same bad habits while I developed plans to succeed and get things accomplished while trying to understand his need for total control. But yes, I think his poor education and cultural influence from his grandmother who raised him slowly drove him nuts as he made wild decisions to boost up his sense of power and success.
He became a Narcissist and then declined into some type of psychopath in the end, and he told lies every day to impress himself and everyone else. He was mentally ill, but could speak in a way that sounded somewhat normal, if you didn't know the facts involved.
I had to avoid him, and that became easy as he wanted me gone from his life. Cancer did the job for him. I have studied for years and even spent ten years in college with my adult children to understand and restore myself. I am doing fine and feel a mission to help others
navigate the world of mental decline. I do not possess the proper credentials to direct change, but I sure can understand the problem!
I have been blessed with financial security in my late years, so I want to be a solution kind of person when possible. Some health problems can't be fixed, I realize, but I can offer helpful ideas to pursue. Each person is a different challenge. Dorisena

I will list several worrisome habits I experienced that could be a precursor to full blown Alzheimer's, as I have learned it from my study. The experts say it can take years, however I had one friend whose husband had early onset AZ. I have read that loss of sense of smell is sometimes an early sign. I have read that loss of taste of food can be an early sign. The TV documentary about Hoarders reports that hoarding can be an early sign. Collecting things can develop into an irrational habit that overloads a home. Rocking side to side while walking can be a sign of mental disorder. Picking scabs off the body and eating them can be a troubling sign of mental problems. Some habits are signs of OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, which can be genetic in families. I have experienced all these signs in my late husband and my sister and her family. It is often more than just the loss of rational speech. I continue to study. Dorisena

@dorisena You are a dedicated learner. While knowledge is power, that same knowledge can be very depressing. This is all the more the case when you really can't do much with it. That happens when the intended benefactor rejects everything; also when knowledge does not lead to improving things.

I do not really get depressed. I try to use the knowledge I learned for the future, and hopefully that improves lives in the future. Children need to learn empathy by the age of five or six, according to the experts, and then they can grow up to have stable personalities to work with others in their lives. It is the key to good mental health as adults. We must begin the teaching very young as it is easier to accomplish. My children are successful adults despite the influence of their father. They loved him very much because he taught them vocational skills at a very young age. My past was not a totally black picture. They learned as well. Dorisena

Hi everyone,
The time has come to open a new group dedicated to caring for someone who has dementia. Many of you have already participated in discussions centered around dementia, such as mild cognitive impairment, Alzheimer's, long term care, medications, activities, self care and more. Those discussions have been moved to the new group.

See the Caregivers: Dementia group here https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/.

- Follow the group
- Browse all topics
- Add a reply
- Start a new discussion

If you’re not sure how to do any of these things, see this step-by-step guide https://connect.mayoclinic.org/get-started-on-connect/